Advice please :)

[Em89]

Hi All!

This is only my second post on the forums. The first post was the day after my SO left for the Middle East for 4.5 months. He is in the Air Force. This coming Sunday, we will be half way.

We had only been dating for 3 months before he left, but we were intensely serious about each other. Neither of us (myself having limited experience, him having been around.. :P ) had ever felt that way before. Before he left, I discovered this site and told him about it and said all the things we needed to try (like date nights!). He was so happy that I wanted to go to this much effort, as he said he and his ex never did the two times they had to do military LDRs (she was also Air Force). I've been on school holidays (I'm an art teacher) since just before Christmas and I still have 1 week before school goes back. So I know all this free time, plus spending Christmas, NYE and my Birthday without him, is making me feel a little down. However, I feel I need a little advice from those who are in the same boat.

When my SO first left, I used to do so much for him. Send care packages with food, letters in a letter book I made, magazines, USBs with videos and I'd get photos printed out of things I was up to. I am one of those people who show their love with giving. I can't help it. The first care package was actually one I hid in his suitcase. He never thanked me for it until I called him up on it. He was so excited about the first one he received in the mail though. But he never really returns the favour (I know he cant go to the same extent as me, but as he has internet in his room, he can at least email photos). It got to the point where I had to ask for him just to take photos for me, as it is what make me feel special. Otherwise, our only form of contact is Skype 2 or so times a week, and mostly Facebook messenger to chat everyday. I trialled sending him sexy photos as a reward for any old photo of him, but that soon failed. I stopped doing as much as I felt a little resentful that it was all one sided. Though he has improved a little with sending photos.

My last care package arrived 2 weeks ago. He ate all the food almost immediately, but when I asked two days ago whether he had even read the new letters, let alone replied to them, or watched the videos I sent of Christmas, he admitted he hadn't. I felt resentful when he wasn't putting in equal effort, but I was down right hurt and felt completely taken for granted when he admitted he hadn't bothered to go through those. I realised then that I am way too available for him. He knows he can send me a message at any time, and so I guess he hasn't had a chance to really miss me. If he did, he would read my letters. One of the letters in the last parcel told him about a surprise voice memo I had recorded on his phone the day before he left which he hadn't found. Those are the little things I like to do...

He says its hard to do anything romantic in an LDR, but I completely disagree. However I am creative and I am good at coming up with these sort of things. He is surprisingly very romantic, but isn't so creative. I've tried to take more control and set him a photo challenge (he hates taking "selfies" because he thinks he looks terrible, though I disagree 100%) but he hasn't bothered to do that either.

But here is the catch. He adores me. I know he is in love with me and I think it came as a real shock when I was upset yesterday and told him I'm deleting Facebook off my phone for a few days. We have only ever gone 3 days of no Facebook messages since May last year. I didn't talk to him for a day and a half. And we spoke briefly before his shift tonight but I'm not sure if he realised how serious this is. I told him we need to have a talk. I think he thinks I'm going through a phase, not that its something he has or hasn't done.

Basically, I feel like his taking me for granted is beginning to rub off on my feelings for him. Though he doesn't think he is taking me for granted. I want to be with this man, I have never clicked with someone so well, but right now I don't feel loved. I feel guilty though, because I know he is going through a tough time and feels the separation as well, and it is always me that has a problem with our relationship. I feel guilty that I'm complaining when he is the one away from family and friends. I also feel guilty that he just spent $600 on a birthday present for me. Shouldn't that be enough? But I've never wanted money, I've always wanted those little thoughtful things. And finally, is it just because I've reached that dreaded 2 month mark (2 months yesterday and I only just noticed!!!), or that it's this time of the year, or that it's that time of the month... :P

Sorry that was so long. Would appreciate any feedback or advice. I'm going to try making myself less available. But I'm concerned that if it doesn't change, I will start losing my feelings for him. I need some romance back...

[lucybelle]

Gift giving is important in relationships, not because of the gift but because of the gesture. If you want him to send you cards or something TELL HIM. When an important date is coming up, I always tell my SO "get me flowers!" because I would rather have to tell him and actually get the flowers, then to be disappointed when he forgets. My SO is not creative either and I basically made a list of little things he could do for me to make me feel special. Because he can't do it on his own, and I love the little details. You need to communicate exactly what you want from him, being "less available" will do nothing but confuse him.

[Em89]

I have tried hinting subtly and then also just telling him straight out. And I know he IS trying. There have been things that I have told him to do and he simply didn't do them. But actually I think writing a list of things is a great idea. I've never felt comfortable with being that blunt, but if it helps, I'll try anything.

Thanks!

[cuban_girl]

Hi!! I dot have the exact citation, but something like it. My SO it's also in the air force, he is not over seas, but we are apart. He is very Romantic when we see each other and from time to time, but he is always busy, and sometimes I feel the same way you do, he slacks on the little things from time to time. It took me some time to understand that the military life it's busy and complicated, they are always busy!! Also man don't tend to be as detailed as we are, they adjust with time, so give him some, and if you change your ways you will confuse him. In my opinion wait until he comes back and then have a face to face conversation, that way there won't be false interpretations. Hope it helps!!

[stormy]

Hi Em,

I am sorry that you are going through a rough time, it does sound as if you care for your SO very much!

My SO is in the Navy across the country (US) from me. When we went went through our first full underway together (when they are out to sea for about two weeks at a time) it was rough for me. Being that they are on a ship, there is really no telling when he will be able to contact me. If the server is down on the ship, he can't even e-mail. I cried my self half way to sleep a couple of nights and I was frustrated to find out that he had been on facebook, but had not replied to my two e-mails. The second of which was me sharing that I would like us to close the distance by a specific time, and continuing the conversation on how we could go about doing that...

Here's the thing... when he got back he shared some of what happened while they were out there. Not enough food, not enough sleep, tempers flaring, serious injuries, a man overboard (he's the one with the job to go and get them). I could see that he did not look like the man who facetimed me a day before they left. He had lost a bit of weight, he was exhausted, and he missed me terribly.

I did bring up that I felt a certain kind of way about some of the things I felt down about, but I did it very delicately yet still to the point. I have had to ask for selfies ("Can you send me a picture today? I miss ya face!") I sometimes remind him of the time difference if he was supposed to call ("Hey sweetie, it is starting to get late here...")
I am not excusing the fact that your SO is not making you feel the way you need him to. That is different in every relationship and in every relationship those people have to figure that out (the balance)... as others have said, tell him.

Tell him.
I need you to read those letters.
Tell him exactly why!
Maybe it is because if was so heart felt that you feel that those emotions are now just hanging in the balance without a reply of some kind... tell him.
Tell him gently but matter of factly, what you have told us.

I hope it all works out for you!!

[differentcountries]

Oh, you have to be blunt. Hinting is so not doing you favours. He admitted he is not comfortable doing some of the things you want so much. Work with him to see if there are others that will work better for you as a couple. And you can ask for lots of stuff, not just letters, pics and gifts. I am more comfortable asking for the other stuff. My so does not do so much of these things, but I think he actually enjoys being pampered like a girl lol. If your so is not so interested in the stuff you do for him, do something else. Remember, it is supposed to be for his enjoyment. So in addition to telling him what you want, there is also talking to him about what he cherishes.Stretch conversation with that hard Army guy to find the needs we all have

[piratemama]

My SO isn't into anything to do with words. He loves me and shows it in his way, and I've learned to appreciate all his efforts. He doesn't write long emails, only very brief ones when needed, but he calls and Skypes. I write long emails, love letters, poems, send ecards, and more, because that is me and what I'd like to get. He can't stand writing, though, and the writing I do doesn't mean as much to him. If I send him cookies, he likes that. If I send him pictures (of me or something funny online), he likes that. If I need anything, he's right there. more than willing to help. We all show love differently; that is what the love languages are about. It helped me to understand that. If I want to know what a German-speaking person is saying, I had better try to know what those German words mean. It's the same with love. If he spent $600 on you, he must love you.

It still hurts not to get love in your own way, so I agree with the others here that said to tell him. I asked my SO to send me a love letter, and he did. It was perfect and meant even more, since I know he hates to write. I will always cherish it. Simply tell your SO what you need, but you can be careful of his feelings. Don't forget to appreciate all that he does do for you.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I'm active duty Air Force and while I haven't deployed yet, I have many co-workers who have and my favorite co-worker is deployed right now. I think you need to cut him some slack! I know that's going against what all the others have said to you but here's why, when you're deployed you are very busy and have little time to do other things!

For my career field, desert schedule is 6 days on, 1 day off and 12 hour shifts. That gives you 8 hours to sleep, so you end up with maybe 3 1/2 hours to do other things because you can't wake up at 6 a.m. and be at work for 6 a.m. Do you know what your SO's schedule is like over there? Do you know what he does career-wise? Some AFSCs (that's AF code for career field) have more downtime at work than others and if he's in one of the career fields where he is working the whole time he is at work, he won't have a lot of time to write letters and do the things you're looking for. I think he's doing a great job at Skyping you a few times a week and messaging you each day! That takes a lot of commitment! My co-worker who is deployed now, told me that he was losing sleep because he was skyping people from back home most nights and that he was having to cut that back. When you're deployed, you are there to work! That's the reason why they are shorter in the AF and that you receive 2 weeks off after returning from a deployed location. As for him sending you care packages, some deployed locations the members are not allowed to leave the base! At others, they can go off but only for certain amounts of time.

I understand that military LDRs are different than others because of many factors. I think you have to try and understand that he's tired, probably over worked, and doesn't have a lot of free time. Now when he isn't deployed and you do similar things and want something in return, tell him! Hinting won't help like others have said but for right now, try and cut him some slack. Many people do not understand what all deployments entail in reality.

My advice to you, is to ride it out during the remainder of the deployment and see what happens after he is back and rested. There's a common phrase that people "ride out their vows" during a deployment because that's the true test of a military relationship! It's a whole different ballgame during that time. If you want to let him know that you're feeling taken for granted, tell him! I'm sure he will try to communicate more and improve even more once he is back. I just don't want you to think that he's acting a certain way because he doesn't care because from where I'm sitting, he totally does.

[itwasmeanttobe]

As someone who was married to a man that deployed to the Middle East, I can feel your pain. But trust me, it's not that he doesn't love you, it's not that he doesn't care. He simply probably does not have time or the resources available to make you feel as special as you would like to feel. Also, he is a man. The reality of it, is that most men just don't have it in them to be romantic and lovey and gushy. Cut him a little slack. If you love him, you will love him, gifts or not. You should love him "in spite of", not "because of".

[CynicalQuixotic]

You should love him "in spite of", not "because of".

...what does that even mean?

[differentcountries]

It is kind of simplistic to say most guys are like this, most girls like that. At the same time there can be some truth in it. Still it is about the person. And the time /energy they have available. I guess in spite of refers to having a fixed bit of faith and generosity when looking at your so's actions or lack of them. Of course there has to be a because of, too, and perhaps even more so.

[itwasmeanttobe]

...what does that even mean?

It means that you should love someone no matter what they do "in spite of". Not love someone because of the things they do for you "because of".

[CynicalQuixotic]

It means that you should love someone no matter what they do "in spite of". Not love someone because of the things they do for you "because of".

Wow, that's a slippery slope. There are certain things that no one should have to put up with. The very reason why you fall in love with, and continue to love, anyone is because of what they do.

[RedWhirlwind]

Please don't play the 'availabilty' game during a deployment. You will regret it when you miss a call or skype from him and he doesn't get a chance to call again for awhile. He is deployed. Working LONG hours, generally in not the best conditions, stressed, exhausted, and I'm sure worried how long you will wait for him or if you'll meet someone else (even if he won't admit to this worry).

He IS showing you love in the best way he can right now, by making the time to contact you regularly. That is a LOT for everything else he is dealing with. And he remembered to send you a birthday present! It's not the money he spent on it, but the time he spent to pick it out & have it sent, and that he remembered it to begin with (I'm always impressed by people remembering birthdays. I'm horrible at that!). It's the time he spends talking with you that matters more than anything he could send you. He is showing you love by spending his limited free time to talk with you.

I think someone else mentioned the love languages book, and that is a GREAT tool to help you learn to recognize the ways he shows his love if they aren't the same way you show your love.