Feeling a bit torn..

[NavyWife]

As you all know, once my SO and I get married I can go with him where he is stationed (where that is we don't know until he finishes "A" school). He doesn't want me to go if he's going to be deployed right away so i'm not in a strange place by myself with no family or friends. I tell him ill be fine and there is plenty of others on base ill make friends with, because I want to go. On the other hand, I feel awful leaving my family in NY. Has anyone else been torn like this? How did your family take it? How did you tell them? Or, should i just stay home???

[stormy]

I am dealing with a similar situation. My SO and I have begun making plans to get married and close the distance. I have a career to think about (leaving my friends and family is not a huge deal to me besides my mom and the family dog, I have so many very close friends all over the country that I am OK with it... mostly). If he gets to the end of his contract and is offered a good position, he is going to extend it at least another two years. That is a little less than two years from now. The idea is to get married around that time. A huge part of me wants to just stay here and continue my career here, but I am ready to be a family with him so if he does extend the contract, I will have already attempt to put many things into place that will allow me to not only continue what I do somewhere else, but also have something to come back to if we do move back here or if I unfortunately end up coming back home alone for some reason (I'm a teacher).
I have not told my dad, but my mom is super excited for me. She wants me out there in the world and happy! But I am also 25, with a masters degree and a career path, so she comfortable with me up and moving because I have done a lot on my own already.

I can't tell you what you should do, but I know that personally I am ready to work as a team with my SO... I think that we're both at a point where we want to be together so badly that we're going to work with whatever we've got.

Oh, my SO is also in the Navy so... I just had to respond. I hope this at least gives you something to relate to!

[Heavenly_Love12]

What are the chances he would deploy right away? I don't know about the Navy but in the Air Force we are non-deployable until we finish our on the job training and usually CDCs (career development courses). There are some career fields where you can deploy prior to CDC completion especially if you have a lot of volumes but the majority of the time, only special ops and security forces deploy quickly after getting to their first base.

Are you having a hard time wanting to leave your family in general? If so, you need to figure out what the best path for you is. You can be in an LDR for another couple of years if you are extremely torn on leaving. If you're only concerned about what would happen when he deploys, a lot of spouses go home for all or part of a deployment to be around family and friends. There are groups for spouses at each duty location and deployed spouses groups too so if you stayed where he's stationed while he is deployed, you would have support. At some point, he will deploy and if you are married and there with him, you will have to decide what you're going to do. Do your parents not know of your plans yet? I think it is important to include them so they aren't blind sighted and they would probably offer some good advice.

Do you have plans on what you would do if you marry and go to his first duty location? I see that you're 19 so would you attend schooling or work? Both of those will factor into how soon you integrate and feel like you have a place wherever he is. The more involved you are, the easier it will be.

I can tell you that when my SO was in the AF, I was a bit torn because I wanted to marry him and go wherever he was but at the same time had to cope with leaving my family. I felt that being with him was worth it though. In the end, it didn't happen but now we're in the opposite position where I'm the one who's serving and he's wanting to be wherever I am. It is extremely different now because we're 4 years older, 25 and 24. I was a full time student back then and would have transferred schools and gotten a part time job if we would have married. He would have just been starting out in the military. Neither of us had as much life or work experience like we do now. Our parents are so much more supportive because they trust our judgment because we have aged. I've been in the AF for 2 years now and am working on my Master's and he's been working with a company for a year and a half while also going to school; huge differences from before.

I think that you should do what is best for you. Your family should love you and support you in either case. It's normal to have jitters and worries with major life changes and you are young which plays a part too. None of us can tell you what to do but I will say that the military is known for young marriages and just because you can legally get married doesn't mean you have to.

[ErinKristine]

Like Heavenly Love mentioned there is usually a wait time until someone can deploy. I am not sure how it is for the Navy, but for Marine Corps my guy can't deploy for up to 90 days once he first gets to the Fleet. His platoon is mostly voluntary deployments at this point.

There are spouse groups on bases, Navy FFSC does a lot to help new spouses. I did some work with them as part of my last internship and they do a great job with a lot of services for families.

Like others have said, if you are going to work and/or go to school then those things will keep you busy while he is also away. Really it is up to you, do you do well when you are by yourself or do like to have people around often? Are you ok being alone by yourself at night? (They seem like silly questions, but definitely worth thinking about). Will you live on or off base?

I haven't really been torn in a situation like this. I'm moving soon to where my guy is stationed, if he gets deployed I will likely stay there because I am hoping to have a career there. My family is supportive of me moving there and staying because they know that is what I have to do as a military spouse. I'll be moving to NC so if he gets orders near there you can contact me, I'm open to get togethers or just chatting if you are looking support.

[NavyWife]

Thanks guys, that helps a lot. I have included my parents in, but not a lot. I basically have decided to go with him once we know more about what's going on. Then ill talk to my family. I would just get a job to keep me busy. I'm not in school right now, but that's a possibility also. Thanks for the advice