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    #1

    advice needed

    I only post over in the international area but thought perhaps I could get a different perspective from someone who's in a military LDR. Back story here is, I met my SO online 9 months ago, have been in a LDR for 5 and we have yet to see each other, although the plan for the last few months has been him coming to see me in June.

    Leaving out some details here but, my SO has is now all of sudden worried about us having anything long term. He's always been the optimistic one, so it's very unusual to hear him tell me that he's scared that this will all be for nothing. He was at one point in the British army, until he got hurt in training and was forced to leave. He never really expressed a real interest in re-joining, but I always assumed there was a possibility that he would want to try to go back. And I knew what that would entail, being with someone who is in the military isn't easy. I don't have any prior experience with it, but I know that it comes with a lot of sacrifice. He is worried what will happen if he re-joins, he told me he's "not sure he can do this again", he was in a relationship (long distance) that failed because apparently she wasn't very faithful, and a liar.

    I've done all that I can to convince him that I know what I am taking on. That I am not looking at this through rose colored glasses. Personally, the military life doesn't scare me as much as losing him does. And while I feel that his concerns are valid, the fact that I'm here, and have been here for all this time..that I still love him and willing to stand by him and support his decision to go back (which realistically probably won't happen for at least another year if not longer)..should be enough for him.

    I feel like I'm losing him to fear and I am desperately trying to stop this before it's too late.
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    #2
    Being in a military relationship is quite hard. It takes lots and lots of patience, blind trust, and optimism.
    As for his fearing that this will end up like the last relationship...he does understand that you're different than that other girl right?
    You are NOT her, meaning you aren't going to chat on him, or lie for that matter.
    For one, you're already in an ldr...so I feel like that will make you a little bit stronger coming into a military style relationship, because you already know what it's like not to be with him all the time, whereas a close distance relationship, you won't know how hard it is until he leaves. Was the other relationship close distance?
    "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

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      #3
      No, his other relationship was long distance, but only by 3 hours. Where as, I'm in the states and he's in the UK. He told me a in a previous conversation we had that I couldn't be more different from his ex (in a good way). I feel like he's thinking way too far in advance, we haven't even met yet in person. This is a bridge we can cross when the time comes...because who knows what will happen between now and then.

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        #4
        Originally posted by standingoutsidethefire View Post
        No, his other relationship was long distance, but only by 3 hours. Where as, I'm in the states and he's in the UK. He told me a in a previous conversation we had that I couldn't be more different from his ex (in a good way). I feel like he's thinking way too far in advance, we haven't even met yet in person. This is a bridge we can cross when the time comes...because who knows what will happen between now and then.
        Perhaps he is thinking way too far in advance. I would say just to take it one day at a time. He should just be happy with what you guys both have right now, in the moment. =)
        Who knows, it could lead somewhere very late
        "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

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          #5
          Cherish the fact he is keeping the open-communication with you and letting you know exactly how he feels! Listening and paying attention to his emotions are just as important as responding and nurturing your own. He's admitting that he is vulnerable to heart break with you. Which is definitely a good thing, girlie!
          LDRs can be difficult. Definitely when the military is involved. The blind trust can sometimes make the most confident begin to question. But! Reassure him! There's only so much you can do from so far away but being and staying there for him, in the end, will prove to him more than anything else could that your relationship could get through it.
          The military is rough, but as mentioned before, stay positive! Neither of you know what the future holds! Maybe if he's interested in joining it would be the perfect opportunity for you both to work on the biggest goal for your relationship...seeing each other!

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            #6
            Thank you. Your words of encouragement are so helpful. I recently spoke to someone (who doesn't know my SO) but has been in a LDR who said my SO is probably just scared, and letting his fears get to him. That I need to get him on Skype and push him to book his flight. To push him past these fears, because he thinks my SO is thinking...best to end it now so it won't hurt as much later. Which I believe that's what my SO is thinking. He's mentioned "he doesn't think he can do this again", (I believe in terms of being in a relationship while in the military) and he said that after spending time together, and nights in each others arms, it would destroy him if it didn't work out.

            We're still talking thankfully. And he doesn't seem as sad about everything. But I am so on edge. And I'm really unsure if pushing him to book his flight is the right way to go. Should I just sit back and be here, and wait until he makes up his mind, or what?

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              #7
              Originally posted by standingoutsidethefire View Post

              We're still talking thankfully. And he doesn't seem as sad about everything. But I am so on edge. And I'm really unsure if pushing him to book his flight is the right way to go. Should I just sit back and be here, and wait until he makes up his mind, or what?
              Pushing him to book a flight might put too much pressure on him? Atleast that's what I'm thinking. Perhaps gently nudging him towards the direction of purchasing a flight ticket. Like maybe mentioning how you can't wait to finally be with him, and that it would make you so happy to see him. Also, perhaps trying to convince him that you're gonna be there for the long haul?
              That's all the advice I've got this early in the morning. ^-^
              "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

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                #8
                Aww thanks

                That's what I was thinking too, that maybe it would push him away. *fingers crossed* it will work out. I'm trying to keep positive.

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                  #9
                  Originally posted by standingoutsidethefire View Post
                  Aww thanks

                  That's what I was thinking too, that maybe it would push him away. *fingers crossed* it will work out. I'm trying to keep positive.
                  I'm sure everything will be okay =)
                  "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

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