Urgent help needed!

[Katie101]

Ok desperately need advice: been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 months, he's in the army, we met when he was on r&r from afghan and got together when he was back from his tour, so the 1st 3 months of our relationship we were together a lot due to leave, then he got relocated to germany for 4 years, we've struggled on for the past 7 months now but are currently in a good place as he will be back in the uk in 6 weeks for a 5 month course and will see him most weekends, on average we have seen each other at least once a month for a few days occasionally more depending on leave/holiday/money and talk all the time. But my problem is as soon as I have to leave or he has to leave I am an emotional wreck for at least 12 hours before. I try so hard not to get upset in front of him as I know it is probably beginning to annoy him. I am normally a very emotional strong person but for some reason cant keep my emotions under control when it comes to saying bye even if I know like this time I will be seeing him in a fortnight for a long weekend. Does anyone have any tips as its really beginning to annoy me and him. I've contemplated ending the relationship numerous times because of how much it hurts when I have to say bye but I know I cant and iv never felt like this with anyone before because I have always been so independent. I am planning on moving out there middle of next year but know the relationship is not going to last that long if I carry on doing this every time.

[lyonsgirl]

I try so hard not to get upset in front of him as I know it is probably beginning to annoy him. I am normally a very emotional strong person but for some reason cant keep my emotions under control when it comes to saying bye even if I know like this time I will be seeing him in a fortnight for a long weekend.

I skimmed because your post was hard to read. But I did see this. You know it is probably beginning to annoy him. Have you talked to him about it? Have you told him that you don't understand why it's happening? (I know why. You don't want to leave each other, simple as that.) If you think that ending your relationship is the best thing to do for you, then you might as well. I haven't heard though, in my time on LFAD, of anyone ending a relationship because their partner was too emotional before the end of a visit. Though I do suppose there's a first time for everything...

[Katie101]

Yes I admit I was babbling quite a bit as emotions are still raw.
That's the thing I can't bear to end it was just looking to see if anyone feels the same as me and for some tips on how to cope with it better, but thank-you for the reply

[Unconditional]

I agree with lyonsgirl.
It seems as though it's you getting in the way of yourself. If you both want it, this relationship will work out just wonderful.
Can I say something?
It's okay to miss him. It's okay to feel like an emotional wreck. Missing someone is completely normal for a relationship.
I'm an emotionally strong person as well, and I don't like to cry, or whine, but that's one of the reasons I use LFAD for. When I can't help but want to cry, I talk to people who know a bit of what I'm going through, it helps a lot. Also may I suggest something? I suggest writing in a journal, it helps me keep my emotions in check when they get crazy.
If you ever need to talk, shoot me a message, I'd love to talk.
Welcome to LFAD btw =)

[lyonsgirl]

Oh I see. You're looking for one of the thousands of "how do I cope" threads? Hey, all you had to do was ask. Go to your handy little search box at the top of the form. (There's a magnifying glass next to it, in case you can't find it.) Or, there's the "advanced search" option - but I'd start with the basic search. Type in "how to cope" or "how do I cope" or "coping mechanisms" and you'll get thousands of other users, just like you, who have asked the same question. No, no situation is exactly the same, but you will get the same response.

[Ahava]

I get really sad on the last day/last evening too, but have managed to not cry in front of my SO. I sometimes go in the other room/bathroom if I can't help a few tears. I can usually hold myself pretty well until I get home after seeing him of to the airport. It is hard, but not a reason to break up over.

[Hollandia]

First of all, I apologize if being told to go find one of "those threads" is as snide to you as if comes off to me. If you want to make a thread, no other poster here can tell you to go just use a search box except the admin, her name is Michelle.

To necro thread or not to necro thread, it is your call. You'll hear both sides on here, so just do as you wish. I personally think it de-personalizes a thread if one poster makes it to ask for help and then a year or so later someone else is told to go hijack it for the same questions. If you want your own thread, then do it, plus you can moderate your own threads here so that makes it helpful so if you decide to close it at some point.

Welcome to LFAD, I did not really have that difficult of a time reading your post. It does indeed sound very emotional. My head is pretty close to where yours is right now. I have been able to spend the better part of half of our 3 years together. I have also spent about half the time apart. I have to leave him every 3 months or so and it still aches every time. MY SO hates how emotional I get when we have less than 2 weeks left. Sometimes I just go in the bedroom and cry quietly or put my sunglasses on and the wipe tears so he can't see them. I don't do it not to annoy him, but not to hurt him. This is how I try cope with knowing the time apart is coming again. Don't get me wrong my SO will still see me upset from time to time, but I don't let him see me upset everytime it hits me.

It hurts him to see me cry, it hurts him to see me sad. It depresses him and makes him feel bad that he could not change it. He is sad about it too but he does not dwell on it as much as I do. He tells me he knows that it hurts to say goodbye and he knows that I am sad, but please don't let it not ruin the time we have left together. And to be completely honest, when that time comes, I turn to here, more than everywhere else. You will find shoulders to cry on here, ears to vent to and fun people to laugh with, cry with and even debate with, if you choose. You have come to the right place.

[lyonsgirl]

Holl, I agree with you that necro-ing a thread depersonalizes it. And no, I have no idea if she has searched for other threads similar (or not) to her situation. But when I joined LFAD, no one told me about the search box and that little thing is frigging useful. I use it frequently - not to necro a thread - but to see if there are other threads similar to the one I want to post, or if others have been in similar situations to see what (if any) resulted from it. It's not that I don't think users should post their own threads so they can moderate them and what-not, but I'm not sure everyone knows about the search box, or uses it.

I wasn't trying to be "snide", as you put it. I personally think I was being helpful.

To the OP: There are also groups on here as well. Some groups aren't that active, but it's also nice to know that there are other users like you that are in military relationships. I understand that with one (or both) partners in the military it gives the relationship different qualities civilians can't quite understand. We can try, but I know we won't ever truly "get it". (Just like domestic relationships won't ever truly "get" the challenges of international relationships, and etc etc. FTR: I'm not saying any relationship is better than another, just that they are different, and they all have different challenges.) Anyway, OP, I'm glad you found (and joined) LFAD.

[Curly]

You make me think of myself.

Here I am. At home, watching sappy movies in a Friday night, crying.
No way can I tell him that. I get angsty about us about on average one text a month.
I KNOW it irritates him. And I hold SO much of it in.
We had what I consider our first argument over one last week.
He said, 'I needed to stop the insecure BS' - that's soldier speak for 'your irritating me woman' (my interpretation, not his.)
I've vowed never to do it again.
It doesn't help anything.
So I keep my tears to myself. Hold back a little.

I do the same on our trips.
But am better at not letting the water works out.

Usually they start a day before I leave.
I usually end up crying in the shower or bathroom.
Or wait til he drops me at the airport, and go inside and cry. (Oh the crazy lady looks I get.)
I'll admit in order to hold it together that long, I get distant when it's time for packing or driving me to the airport.
But then - he does too.

This last time, we only had hours together. I closed the door, watched him leave through the window and wept.

When he asks if Im ok...I just say, 'yep. Just being mushy.'
It's code, and he accepts it.

I wish I had better answers, but Ive never dated an active military man before and I make it up as I go.
He hasn't ditched me yet.
Fingers crossed we make it til I see him next.
It'll be a year of this.

And don't think I haven't considered hanging it up.
I have. I do.
But the fact of the matter is, he still makes me happier in the moments Im with him, or when he occasionally reaches out with sweet words - than any other time.
And that's more than I have without him.

[Petals]

Hi there! Welcome

I had the hardest time dealing with leaving my SO after a 2 months long visit. The first 2 weeks were so hard and I cried everyday! I wasn't sleeping more than 2hrs each night. He sat me down over skype and said

" listen babe, I need you snap out of it...this pity party...I need you to be strong and fight for us as I cannot carry this relationship alone. It's ok to be sad sometimes and cry! Heck, I get so depressed at times that I can barely move because I miss you so much, but I carry on and prepare for us to be together...I'm doing everything on my end to make this work. you are my life, my love...I can't stand to know that you are unhappy and it makes it harder for me to function. So, do this for you, for us...be strong...find a healthy way to pull it together...find a way to cope please"

It was a bit harsh, but I needed to hear that! I have snapped out of it lol since then. There was so much emotion in his voice when he spoke to me that made me realize that it is really hard for him too and I need to find a happy medium. I have since focused my energy on getting ready for 5k races, work and just positive things. I still share with him how much I miss him and he does too, but I am sleeping better even if it's in the couch lol. When I feel really down, I write in my journal and it helps to center me and I can be less emotional when I speak to my SO.

My advice: force yourself to cope better. Like my SO says, it is harder to cope when one person is 'melting down' all the time and needs to be propped up constantly.