Trust Issues

[dgg1]

Lately I've been feeling very insecure about my relationship. When I went to visit he hid the fact that two girls gave him their numbers because he would rather me not find out and not be upset rather than tell me. He told me that the first thing he told them as they talked to him was that he had a girlfriend and also showed them a picture but I had no clue of any of it. So I found out and lied to me at first about it and then told the truth. This was the first time that he had ever done something that really hurt me in a way and I guess thats why I can't get it out of my head. It's hard enough being so far apart from but now having worry what else he may be hiding from me makes it so much harder. I am a very intelligent young woman and it doesn't take me long to figure out things. So for him to hide anything from me is just making it worse for himself. I'm obviously the one who has his heart, the person his family and friends know about but to me it's still that uncertainty that gets to me. I can tell myself all day long I have nothing to worry about but once I get alone and my brain starts to wonder its all over. I think about the worst possible thing happening and that might not even be something that had phased him but all this comes from my overthinking. He has apologized for lying and hiding those things but he honestly just wanted to keep me happy while I was there and for me not to worry and thought it was harmless. I just picture him getting lonely while away and resorting to someone he may have met out there but he assured me time and time again he would never cheat on me but the thoughts won't cease to enter my mind. I have been cheated on and I've been in a relationship with someone who was not mature that would resort to texting other girls when he would be upset at me. I have to say that that has really shaped my perception on my relationship and I hate that it has. I want to believe that my boyfriend is all for me and that nothing will happen that he can help but you really just never know. I really have a lot to work on with myself as far as trusting, not being insecure, and stop thinking he will be like my past relationships. I have talked to God and cried because that I really want this relationship to be my last but I am afraid that I will mess up what a wonderful relationship I have just because of my stupid past messing my head up. I know I am not alone in this world with my insecurities so maybe someone out there can speak some advice to me or share common stories. I want to feel better, I hate worrying and crying because he makes me so happy the happiest I've ever been and doesn't deserve my craziness.

[Wolv]

Hello and welcome to LFAD. I noticed you have posted this in "Military" as well as "College", but only one thread is needed. I just wanted to say for future reference that you only need to post in one forum and we will see your thread so posting the same thing in multiple sub forums is discouraged. Also when you are typing your thread it makes things a lot easier to read when you separate your text into paragraphs.

Regarding what has happened between you and your SO...you have a difficult situation here unfortunately. I've had to work with my SO because I wasn't truthful with her and it's been a year now and I'm still working on regaining her trust. When trust in a relationship has been broken it is EXTREMELY difficult to work thru (even more so in a LDR) to regain the trust that was lost, and for the person who was lied to it is hard to trust again.

The most important thing during this time is going to be communication. You need to tell him what you feel, and let him know he needs to be honest with you no matter what. Tell him he needs to be truthful even if he knows the truth will hurt you. It's going to be up to him to make sure he doesn't lie again, and there's nothing you're going to be able to do to ensure that he is honest. All you can really do now is communicate your feelings and hope for the best. If he loves you he'll do everything he can to make sure he regains your trust.

I think for you it's going to be important to try your best not to allow your insecurities affect your judgement and behavior towards him, especially now since this just recently happened. Keep your guard up, and listen to your gut when it tells you something isn't right. Make sure if something is bothering you to try and think about it and maybe sleep on it before confronting him. When you are communicating your feelings to him let him know in the future if something doesn't feel right with you that you will ask him about it and you don't want him to get defensive every time you have something on your mind that just doesn't feel right. He should have no problems discussing anything that might be on your mind.

I don't know how much this will help since as I said I'm still working on a trust issue between me and my own SO, but we're still together and we talk about everything, even if it causes an argument and causes us to be upset we still bring it to light and discuss it and we are still together so we must be doing something right.

[R&R]

When I went to visit he hid the fact that two girls gave him their numbers because he would rather me not find out and not be upset rather than tell me. He told me that the first thing he told them as they talked to him was that he had a girlfriend and also showed them a picture but I had no clue of any of it. So I found out and lied to me at first about it and then told the truth. This was the first time that he had ever done something that really hurt me in a way and I guess thats why I can't get it out of my head.

He was trying to hide it from you so you wouldn't get upset. He was exactly right in his assessment of your reaction. Once you found out, yes, he should have been up front about it but it shouldn't have been a big deal that women gave him their numbers. Men are going to hit on you and women are going to hit on him. How the party that is involved responds is what's important. You can't stop other people from finding your SO attractive just like he can't stop men from looking at you or finding you attractive. Personally, I don't need to know when a woman makes a move on my SO. I know what his response will be and that he will handle it.

I think we've all had a relationship at some point where a partner cheated. That is a reflection on their character and not on you. Though it makes you feel horrible, you've got to put it in perspective that it had everything to do with the person that they are and not on the person you are. 19 is a tough age. Technically an adult but still so much life experience ahead of you for you to learn who you are. Maybe a professional to work with and to help you sort your feelings out would be a good idea.

[dgg1]

I apologize I was trying to post in the military one when I realized I posted in the college one and forgot to go back and delete. We have talked about the situation and we know one of things we both need to work on is our communication. It's so much harder not being together to not have good communication skills because if we were together when were upset you could clearly see if we were but being far we actually have to talk it out.

He has said it was a horrible mistake and has promised not to do it again but I have a problem with having to be reassured time and time again to make sure it won't happen again. He wants me to trust him and not worry so I think he isn't going to do anything else to jeopardize my trust again.

You did help me and I thank you and hope everything on your end gets resolved as well.

[dgg1]

I do have guys that come up to me and TRY to talk to me but I curve them by saying I have a boyfriend and they back off. I know how persistent guys and girls can be and so the reason I worry is because people are just very bold and you can never be certain how a person will be. After this incident it makes me question what he would've done in more situations like that but he claimed it was harmless but if it was so harmless he wouldn't have had to hide anything from me.

I do have a lot of life experience ahead of me and maturing so maybe as that goes ill become a stronger person and learn how to handle situations better.

[R&R]

When I was in my 20's my bf's brother was a bar tender and the man was gorgeous. He would come home after his shift and empty out tons of numbers that had been given to him. Just because they were handed to him didn't mean he was going to use them. His gf got a kick out of it that so many women wanted her man but she knew he was all hers.

I went to a local, small karaoke bar with a previous SO while he was visiting me. There was a woman eyeing him and when I got up to use the ladies room, she made her move. She was sitting in my chair, her boobs all hanging out as she leaned over trying to get his attention. I could hear her stating "she'll never know" and his "I am quite happy with my gf and you need to leave." I went over and sat on his lap and told her off. She left and we got a laugh out of it. This same SO, when he was working in HI and I was in NH, had an employee who wouldn't take no for an answer. He ended up transferring her to another location. In both situations, he made it clear he wasn't interested, no matter how aggressive they got.

The point of the scenarios is that there will always be aggressive and forward people out there. It can happen if you are CD or LD. You have to trust your SO to do the right thing. In my relationship, I don't need my SO to tell me every time he gets hit on or someone tries to make a move. (He owns his own business, so his phone number is right on his van. No need for a woman to even ask for his number.) He doesn't expect me to tell him either. If someone handed him her phone number and he doesn't tell me, I don't consider it hiding something from me. For us, it's just something that doesn't warrant a conversation as we have complete trust in each other. I know others feel differently.

[dgg1]

Its not so much of him receiving the numbers they asked him to call them so they would also have his numbers and he did so. So when they texted him he responded. I wouldn't be upset if he just got their numbers and never used them but they had actually texted him and he entertained it.

[R&R]

Yes, that's a little different of a scenario. If he had just received numbers and not used them, that's not a big deal. If he's started talking/texting with them, that should have been brought up even if it was simply that he had been out and met some new people and who they are. People are going to make new friends in life, both male and female. When in an LDR, it may be a little harder when they are of the opposite sex, but it does always come down to trusting each other.

[dgg1]

Thank you and that's what we are really working on. He has always trusted me but I know how people are I never open a door for anyone to come and mess up what I have but its different for a guy sometimes they don't always think with their heart or mind they think with their private part. But I have to get over that he is a good guy and I know he has learned from this mistake and he wants to keep me happy and for me not to worry about anything.

[whatruckus]

If he had just gotten the numbers and didn't do anything with them, that's one thing, but he called them and then texted them. No. No, no, no. No. That's very wrong. He effed up. Plain and simple.