Emotions or rather lack of please help feeling really depressed

[whatruckus]

Hes almost 3 years into the army and he is not deployed right now. He had been last year for 6 months. And it was a two week vacation and not sure if he goes in the field when he was deployed.

So, he is stationed in Germany? Or, that is where he lives? I'm confused now.

Again though, I'm going to say that it's starting to seem maybe you guys rushed into the relationship, or he has the post-visit blues. Either way, I still think you need to talk to him about it. What's the harm in talking to him about it? That he distances himself even more? He's already done that. If you're afraid it's going to make him break up with you, wouldn't you rather know now than later? It's not fair, or nice, the way he's treating you and acting towards you.

[madamerouge]

Huh. Well if he is a mechanic, then I have doubts that it's PTSD. Now, it seems more like he doesn't know how to deal with the distance after seeing you. Aka the "post-visit blues", as we call it. Unless, he's a mechanic that travels with the units out in the field. Still need more info. How long is his deployment? You said he's 6 months in. Is it 6, 9, 12, 18 months? He could also be realizing that he's still got a few more months before the next visit, because of his deployment and when he gets home. I assume this first visit was during his r&r?

Hes almost 3 years into the army and he is not deployed right now. He had been last year for 6 months. And it was a two week vacation and not sure if he goes in the field when he was deployed.

[whatruckus]

I am scared talking to him will make it worse the day he left I cried a little and he left 30 minutes sooner then he had been planning becauae it was to hard on him so I am afraid if I put my emotions out there he will draw further away. He has served in Afghanistan for 6 months but his job is not an overly stressful on he is a mechanic of sorts.

Huh. Well if he is a mechanic, then I have doubts that it's PTSD. Now, it seems more like he doesn't know how to deal with the distance after seeing you. Aka the "post-visit blues", as we call it. Unless, he's a mechanic that travels with the units out in the field. Still need more info. How long is his deployment? You said he's 6 months in. Is it 6, 9, 12, 18 months? He could also be realizing that he's still got a few more months before the next visit, because of his deployment and when he gets home. I assume this first visit was during his r&r?

[Unicorn26]

I would advise to always be open with how you're feeling. He is not a mind reader.

My SO suffers from anxiety and depression, it can be really hard on me when he shuts down as I always think it's something I've done. Recently we had a long and difficult conversation about it and now things are so much better. I now understand him a lot better and he feels more comfortable talking to me about his issues.

We tell each other "I love you" a lot. Lots of times a day. It's just what we are comfortable with. I don't think you can say it too much but that's just what works for us and we are both happy with that. I don't think we've come out of the honeymoon phase yet lol!!! He still tells me I'm beautiful and sends me soppy tunes and love letters and things. Hopefully that's a good sign that this will last. But, we have taken this whole thing really slow. Maybe you rushed things a little? I hope you can rekindle what you had. Good luck...

[madamerouge]

I am scared talking to him will make it worse the day he left I cried a little and he left 30 minutes sooner then he had been planning becauae it was to hard on him so I am afraid if I put my emotions out there he will draw further away. He has served in Afghanistan for 6 months but his job is not an overly stressful on he is a mechanic of sorts.

[madamerouge]

Ya, in some ways

[Harlequin]

Whattruckus:
Oh no, I know that PTSD happens due to many different things of course. I just wonder if Iraq has more diagnosed cases of PTSD though. Hmm. It's crazy to think about. It's a sad thing to think about really.

According to this, about 11-20% of soldiers who served during the Iraq War are diagnosed with PTSD yearly. Gulf War vets clocked in at about 12%, and Vietnam vets are at about 15%, but they think the number is more around 30%. I imagine the statistics are probably around the same as Vietnam for WWII and WWI. I'm not too sure about the Korean War, though.
I imagine the numbers are generally higher overall, because these are only for the people who are diagnosed, and not everyone seeks out help/is able to seek out help. I feel like the reason Vietnam vets got the added estimate is because we REALLY dropped the ball with them.

As for who is most commonly diagnosed with PTSD, it's abused children. Military vets are actually only the 4th most common.

[whatruckus]

Communication. Do you have open communication with him? I sometimes find myself getting in the business of mind-reading and trying to figure out what other people are thinking or feeling, but most of the time open communication helps a great deal.

Do his actions match his words? Do his words match his actions? If not, I would have to trust my gut about what is going on here.

I served in the military. I had some things to sort through, but for the most part when I was distant or aloof, that was on me. Today, if I need space, I ask for space. If I need time, I ask for time. I reassure my partner by telling her when I will contact her after I've taken my time. "It's not a good time to talk right now. I need to think some things over. I will be back to you within a day." Then I get back to her in a day. I keep my word. That's what I do for myself and for my relationship. However, if I am distant and aloof and choose not to talk about it, and do not ever initiate any contact with my partner, then I reap the consequences of being distant and aloof without any communication.

If I were you, I would try opening up communication. I would wait for him to reciprocate initiating contact. I would wait for him to reciprocate telling me that he loves me.

I told my partner that I love her. In response to me telling her that I love her, she told me that she loves me. We had a couple of discussions about it where each of us said we love the other. But, no, we do not say that we love each other every day. In fact, we haven't said it outside of the couple of conversations that we had about how we feel. So, I am waiting for her to reciprocate. When she is comfortable telling me that she loves me before she hangs up the phone, I will reciprocate. Until that day comes, I know how she feels because we've already talked about it. We've had extensive conversations about not rushing things. And I believe that for us to wait until each of us is comfortable with saying I love you before saying goodbye or good night is keeping in line with not rushing things.

One day at a time.
Communication.

Edited to add:
I read the title of your post again.

You know what? Don't define your self worth by how someone else treats you. The title of your post really makes me think that how you are feeling is dependent on how well someone else treats you. Your life is your life... and it is possible to still have a positive outlook even if you don't have contact (or the kind of contact that you want from your SO). Get out there into the world, do something positive for yourself, meet with friends, color or paint something, write a poem, do something that validates YOU.

For me:
I will think things, say things, and do things that make me feel good about myself.

That is all!

This is very good advice. My SO and I say "I love you" just about every day, me more so. I don't say it to get a reply back, mostly it's just to keep it in his mind. It makes him happy. I agree that you should talk to him about this, in depth more. Because, I do feel it is a bit odd that this is happening so early for you guys.

[whatruckus]

Whattruckus:
Oh no, I know that PTSD happens due to many different things of course. I just wonder if Iraq has more diagnosed cases of PTSD though. Hmm. It's crazy to think about. It's a sad thing to think about really.

I wouldn't be surprised since it's now more "accepted" (?) I guess you could say. It's not as shunned as it was during WWI/WWII/Vietnam. Hell, even the Gulf war it was still "meh" about it.

[Unconditional]

Whattruckus:
Oh no, I know that PTSD happens due to many different things of course. I just wonder if Iraq has more diagnosed cases of PTSD though. Hmm. It's crazy to think about. It's a sad thing to think about really.

[hmrambling]

Communication. Do you have open communication with him? I sometimes find myself getting in the business of mind-reading and trying to figure out what other people are thinking or feeling, but most of the time open communication helps a great deal.

Do his actions match his words? Do his words match his actions? If not, I would have to trust my gut about what is going on here.

I served in the military. I had some things to sort through, but for the most part when I was distant or aloof, that was on me. Today, if I need space, I ask for space. If I need time, I ask for time. I reassure my partner by telling her when I will contact her after I've taken my time. "It's not a good time to talk right now. I need to think some things over. I will be back to you within a day." Then I get back to her in a day. I keep my word. That's what I do for myself and for my relationship. However, if I am distant and aloof and choose not to talk about it, and do not ever initiate any contact with my partner, then I reap the consequences of being distant and aloof without any communication.

If I were you, I would try opening up communication. I would wait for him to reciprocate initiating contact. I would wait for him to reciprocate telling me that he loves me.

I told my partner that I love her. In response to me telling her that I love her, she told me that she loves me. We had a couple of discussions about it where each of us said we love the other. But, no, we do not say that we love each other every day. In fact, we haven't said it outside of the couple of conversations that we had about how we feel. So, I am waiting for her to reciprocate. When she is comfortable telling me that she loves me before she hangs up the phone, I will reciprocate. Until that day comes, I know how she feels because we've already talked about it. We've had extensive conversations about not rushing things. And I believe that for us to wait until each of us is comfortable with saying I love you before saying goodbye or good night is keeping in line with not rushing things.

One day at a time.
Communication.

Edited to add:
I read the title of your post again.

You know what? Don't define your self worth by how someone else treats you. The title of your post really makes me think that how you are feeling is dependent on how well someone else treats you. Your life is your life... and it is possible to still have a positive outlook even if you don't have contact (or the kind of contact that you want from your SO). Get out there into the world, do something positive for yourself, meet with friends, color or paint something, write a poem, do something that validates YOU.

For me:
I will think things, say things, and do things that make me feel good about myself.

That is all!

[whatruckus]

I also wanted to add, if this is in fact part of it...I would advise you to do as much research as you can on military with PTSD. It helped me a WHOLEEEE lot. And, my SO appreciates it. It also helps when I start noticing him getting this way, that I distance myself a little and give him space. Sometimes, that's all he needs.

But, I'm able to pick up on these things better than he is, and better than anyone else. I know when he's starting to get in the funk before he even does. It also helps if you're able to read people. Not just physical behavior, but how they talk to you. I can even tell when my SO is having a bad day from the way he writes to me when we're not together, before he even mentions it.

It's hard for me to say if that is what your SO has, not just because my questions haven't been answered yet, but also because you guys haven't been together for long.

Unconditional, it's pretty much any time they've seen combat, or been in combat. I've read of Vets who don't even have a combat MOS, but have seen gunfire/been in gunfire/seen a humvee get blown up, that have PTSD. Iraq or not. I'm just glad mine doesn't have TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) from the IED, because that would be a-whole-nother can of worms. Like, mine can't even be around fireworks. And, we can't be in a crowded place where he doesn't know anyone for too long. It's crazy. He's hyper aware all the time.

[Unconditional]

@whatruckus: I was leaning towards PTSD being somewhat a cause for this as well. It also might not be though it could just be that's all she was to him or something, I'm not sure. Also, ot but, it seems like most PTSD cases I have heard of so far have been mostly from tours in iraq, how weird/interesting/horrid.

@op: he needs to make time to talk about this with you. Plain and simple, otherwise you have no idea what is going on.

[whatruckus]

Is he US based? Do you know his MOS (job in the military)? These are factors too. Depending on what he does in the military, it could affect his behavior too. How long has he been in the military? Do you know if he's ever been in combat? Ever seen combat?

I have a reason for those questions, trust me.

My SO and I rushed into our relationship too, but things didn't start cooling off until 6+ months in. We "met" on Plenty of Fish literally on Thanksgiving 2012. Met IRL a week later. Had our first real "date" 2 weeks after meeting IRL. Then, we started dating a week after our "date". So, basically we started dating 4 - 5 weeks after we had initially met on POF and started talking.

He has PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Stress...etc. 85% of it because of the Army and his deployment to Iraq before we even met, the other 15% because of personal tragedies (lost his Dad, Uncle, Mom, and Aunt within 3 years; and how crappy his exes treated him, one in particular). He was Infantry (Grunt). He was in combat many times during his deployment, and got blown up by an IED. I'm telling you this because we found that when he gets the way your SO does, it's always because he's going through a "funk", as we call it, or an "episode". Meaning, something happens in his mind that triggers him to shut down and distance himself from everyone, not just me, except his Army buddies. We really don't know why this happens. It just comes out of "no where". Sometimes it could be his job as a Correction's Officer, sometimes it could be something in the back of his mind, maybe I did something without realizing it, a really bad dream that triggers his anxiety...etc.

I can't even tell you how many of these we've gone through, but two of them were the worst because he almost broke up with me both times. The last bad one, was when he finally realized that his PTSD and whatnot were what was causing him to act the way he did, and feel the way he did. It was also when he started working at the Prison. We even just recently got over a minor one. But, every time he comes out of these, it brings us closer together and he's back to being affectionate and loving, almost 100% the way he was when we first started talking and dating.

This is also why I asked if maybe something happened when he went back to Germany. Maybe something happened in his unit. Do you know what rank he is?

[Unconditional]

I have one more question. Riddle me this, does he try to maintain this relationship in any way or show that he cares for you?