Not sure whether our feelings are normal

[kateldr]

My boyfriend and I have been together very close to a year now and have been living long distance as he has been in training for the last four years in different cities and is soon to move even further away. Since we have started our relationship I have felt as though I have shown more of an interest then he does, he says he loves me and explains to me that he just doesn't show his emotions well whereas I am very emotional. I recently saw him after 2 months apart and as we were leaving each other I asked if he got upset when we leave each other and he said 'no I don't... but I still miss you, I just know that we will see each other in the future so why would I be upset'. This has made me question even further his feelings towards me and I don't know if maybe I am expecting too much and his feelings are normal? He never really makes an effort to call me (I have to ask him) even when he has free time (he goes out on the weekends) but when we do see each other I feel at ease and feel as though if we weren't long distance I wouldn't feel this uncertainty as strongly. However, even when we are together he isn't the one to give me compliments or anything like that so I can't really hold onto that. I just feel like I'm the only one making an effort and I don't know if this is normal or if it reflects strongly on his feelings for me. I have talked to him about it and he just seems to think I'm overreacting. Thanks for an advice ect.

[MissButterfly]

The question is not whether it is normal, but whether you can accept it. Some guys are like that, unfortunately. My ex was exactly the same, he'd miss me, but he would not really initiate contact. I learned to be okay with that, and not get frustrated over it. If you have talked about it, and that was his response, I'm afraid that you are either going to have to accept it or walk away. If he really can't/won't fulfill your communication needs to the point where you are unhappy about it, and he's unwilling to make an effort, then you need to have a serious talk about it. You are not overreacting though! So yes: in that sense both of your feelins are normal. Everyone communicates differently and shows emotions differently, but in a LDR that can be extra confronting. Good luck!

[kateldr]

Thank you for your perspective and time. I think you have confirmed my thoughts to be honest, can I ask if this was the reason you had to end the relationship with your ex?

[MissButterfly]

Thank you for your perspective and time. I think you have confirmed my thoughts to be honest, can I ask if this was the reason you had to end the relationship with your ex?

Not being able to close the distance any time soon without getting married, so we decided to take a break and see where things go after we're done studying etc. Not the communication, luckily! But really, if you can't accept the lack of communication, you don't have to just stick with it. It is normal to feel bad if you would like more communication, so don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do! I hope you can figure it out together.

[kateldr]

Thank you again and I'm sorry to hear about that. You are definitely right, I think guilt is one of the main reasons I found this site. I felt as though I was selfish and annoying for talking to him about it and keep feeling the need to apologize for bringing up these issues and I didn't really want to talk to my family ect. about it as they may not understand and have a bias.

[whatruckus]

My SO is like this. And like Miss Butterfly said, it's what you're willing to accept. He wasn't always like this, it got worse after he came home from Iraq (before me). Unfortunately in my case, the military made him a hard man sometimes. They taught him to barely show emotion. Even in pictures, he rarely (and I mean rarely) smiles.

I can't type a lengthy response because I'm on my phone, but I will later on my laptop.

[Unconditional]

I agree with the above posters. You have to look at this as if, can you live with this. Is this something you can eventually come to accept?

[kateldr]

Yes I have come to realize that now. I guess I am more worried that it was a sign of how he felt about me rather than the person he is and as you have said it is not something that is going to change either way. He is in the military so it is definitely something that is not changing anytime soon which is what also worried me. It's definitely comforting to know that I am not alone with this.

[Kapwned]

My boyfriend is like this. He's just not the verbal type. But I fell for him, not him showering me in verbal affection. He's my lover and my friend, and I feel like as long as he does love me and gives me affection in some shape or form when we're together then I'm okay. As many others have said, it's a matter of whether you can accept it or not. Do you need verbal affirmation? Do you need it to be so direct? Are there other ways he verbally shows interest in your relationship? Such as actively planning visits, or talking about the things you guys will do together when you're together again, or stuff that shows an interest in your future together.

[kateldr]

I'm the one that is initiating the next time we will meet up and talking to each other ect which is why I feel like verbal affirmation would help so I guess I do. And when we saw each other recently we met up on the Friday night and he left on the Sunday morning and we spent the Saturday with some friends he hadn't seen in a while and organised to meet up with which was also a bit upsetting for me because I would have liked if it was more a time I could spend with him and I did mention this to him. I really do love him and I do try to trust that he loves me also which is why we are together but I'm definitely finding it challenging. And yes I also fell for him not how he shows his affection because he has always been like this which is why I have recently been questioning how to handle this situation of loving everything about someone but not feeling as if they feel the same way back if that makes sense?

[whatruckus]

I initiate our conversations about 90% of the time. And, most of the time I see my SO, we either have a Darts function to go to, or he's working. So, I hate saying that it's "normal", but some people are just like that.

[Kapwned]

He honestly sounds like he just isn't the verbal type. And for those types, being verbally affectionate can feel very forced and awkward, but you shouldn't take offense. My boyfriend won't do much beyond saying I love you and telling me I'm cute. And that isn't often. Perhaps it's best to talk to him about what he'd like to do or how he likes to show affection (or how he cares). For a lot of people, some form of affection is a necessity, and the compromise may be accepting how your partner expresses his affection. My boyfriend prefers physical affection and doing stuff together. So when we're apart I can feel a serious lack of affection. And in the beginning I'd pester him about this and honestly it'd just frustrate him because it felt forced for him. So I have had to learn to trust that as long as his behavior isn't strange or he hasn't said otherwise, that everything is okay. It's all about trust.