venting about 4 year long distance relationship/ need advice

[nicole210]

so me and my boyfriend have been dating for about four years (it will be four years in may). he joined the navy in 2014 but we were able to date for five months before he left for bootcamp. that was the first long distance experience we had and seemed to deal with it fine, writing letters to eachother and not fighting when we see eachother in person. but recently, three years later and a deployment down and multiple underways (hes on subs) we have been fighting a lot. i see him maybe every four-five months but only for a few days. I think we are just getting sick of being apart since our entire relationship has pretty much been over skype. i think we get sick of the distance and not being able to see eachother and take it out on eachother. when we fight, he is super disrespectful to me and the way he talks and i say things i shouldnt say either. i am willing to make things work still, and he says he is willing to make time to talk and pay attention to me, but his actions say otherwise. he spends hours a day playing videogames if he isnt working and its only a few days off that he gets so i get mad that he doesnt talk to me on his days off because he is free to talk but chooses to do other things that make him happy in his free time. i just dont know what to do anymore and most of the time i feel like i am the only one making a lot of the effort to talk and it just gets exhausting. i really dont want to break up but i dont know why he is acting like this

[Littlewhiteflower]

Im not sure what to say... you know, when people work long days and get a bit of days off, they like to have some alone time to do their stuff. I don't say it's a reason for your boyfriend to ignore you, but some guys just need their alone time and their space. My SO is the kind of man who works a lot (over 50-60h a week if not more). When he has free time, he prefer to just relax and we don't talk much during those moments unless he wants to, because I know he's tired and if he wants of me, he will come and talk to me. When we are together though, we try to make activities, but we also try to relax.

I think it's something you need to adapt to (you and your SO). Sometimes, we fight too and I remember all we went through and I try to accept that the way it is now is not necessarily the way it was at the beginning, but we can still make it works. I know how much it's easy to start fight. At some point, if something bothers you, I think there are ways to verbalize it without it escalating to an horrible fight. I also say things I don't mean when I fight. So does my SO. Everybody does at some point. You just have to learn to communicate in a way that won't degenerate too much. If you feel like you're becoming impatient and aggressive, just back off a bit. Take a few minutes alone and come back. Tell him "I can't talk now because I'm not in a state to talk." and come back when you are calmer. It is something you can tell your SO to do too. For the moment, it's the only way I found to avoid horrible fights (even though it is not perfect). Taking some distance can help to see clearer honestly.

You invested a lot in this relationship (I can imagine). 4 years is a long time. I don't think it's worth breaking up because you guys fight. I think you just need to find better way to deal with the distance. I know how much it is hard. If you have no plans on ever close the distance, it's going to be harder too. I wouldn't be in a relationship where we both know the distance can't be close.

Im guessing too that you SO's work is taking a lot of place in your relationship. As my boyfriend would say, it's not a job, it's a career. It's something I'm still struggling with in my relationship. While he spends so much time investing in his career, I think it's important to find a proper balance in our own lives. Do activities. Change our mind. Without waiting for a conversation with our boyfriend because it becomes hard in the end.

I hope this can help you

[kittyo9]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I had a similar relationship in the past where we started off great but ended up struggling after about 3 1/2 years.

It may be just what you said-- that you've grown tired and frustrated being apart for so long. It can definitely wear on you, and it's something that needs to be addressed by determining how long each of you want to be in the relationship as it is (at a distance) and whether you have the intention of ending that distance at a certain time. Having a set end date can give you something to look forward to and alleviate some of the stress that being apart leads to.

I think it's also possible that the two of you have just grown in different ways over time. That doesn't mean you're incompatible, but you need to kind of re-learn who each of you are and talk about your changing interests and desires. Neither of you are who you were 4 years ago, and that's totally normal, but sometimes people get to a point where they've grown too much in different directions and have different ideas of what the relationship means to them.

It's also normal to want some time to yourself, but not all the time, and not at the cost of a relationship you value. Actions speak louder than words, so they say, and in my experience this has been fully true. His behavior suggests that he doesn't find the relationship enjoyable and views it more as a burden than a part of his life. This is where you guys will need to talk most: why does it feel that way? What can each of you do so that you both feel like you get value from the relationship?

Just as an example, my SO and I both enjoy playing games, but sometimes one of us doesn't feel like playing, so we'll keep voice chat open but do our own things and chat occasionally when we feel like it. That way we get to spend time together but don't need to be doing one specific thing. However, if I want to talk more seriously or just have some one-on-one time with him, all I have to do is ask and he'll stop what he was doing and give me his full attention (or vice versa).

It sucks when something feels wrong or one-sided in a relationship and I hope you guys can discuss it and see real changes in your relationship that make you both happier.

[nicole210]

This does help. Thank you so much. We do say things we don’t mean when we fight but yesterday he said he wanted to break up only to later say he just was that mad during our fight. I was still mad later about how he used breaking up as a threat in our fight (he said he didn’t use it as a threat he actually felt like breaking up during this fight because he was so mad) but I wasn’t okay with him just throwing around wanting to break up because that’s serious. So later I asked him if he actually wanted to break up and he got even more mad and told me to stop bringing it up but I didn’t want to just move on and forget he ever said that I wanted to make sure it was resolved and he understood so I kept talking about it until we could fix it( which made him more mad because he asked me not to and is probably something I shouldn’t have done but we need to be able to talk about these things without him getting so mad). So it ended with me hanging up on him because I asked why he was getting so mad and he said because of me. So I hung up. I’m just sick of fighting and so is he. But we’re fighting like this because we’re sick of the distance and we’re sick of not seeing eachother. Also I will be moving to Rhode Island for the summer (3 months) in May. Then he’ll be an hour away instead of the 12 hours away he is right now. I feel like the way we talk to eachother needs to change. And I also think that being able to see eachother often over the summer will fix things too. We’re both frustrated our entire relationship has basically been over text phone calls and Skype besides the few times out of the year we get to see eachother. I feel like we’re just going to have to start over when we are able to be in person again. But I’ll be closer to him in May until August and then I have to come back to school for a year (should be able to see him during Christmas and spring break) then I’ll be moving back his way once I graduate. Or that was the plan at least.

[Redheart14]

You have been given great advice here. I hope you're ok. Just remember to give time to yourself too

[Littlewhiteflower]

I also hope you're okay. I think that these three months together or closer will help you to change things/improve them or move on.
That's also what I'll do this summer (leaving in mid-may and coming back in august for school). It's a good way to manage the distance and I found it helpful when I did it last year.
I think you should remind him of this when he gets mad at you. You should remind him that in a few days, it will all get better as you'll be closer. Honestly it helps to see a end to the distance (even if this end is only temporary).

I can relate to many thread on this forum as I went through lots with my SO. To be told by my partner that he wanted to break up happened often. It was all during fights (over one year ago though). It is something that is hard to take but I think it should somehow works as a wake up call for both partners. It's so easy to say in today's society "damn it. I'm done. Goodbye". You should not accept threat of break up as this is very damaging. It could fall into an unhealthy pattern where one partner has an issue and doesn't want to raise it by fear of being threatened. If the communication improve between you both, you should set some boundaries and explain calmly how hurtful it can be to threaten of breaking up.

I read a lot of articles on google when I was in this rough patch with my SO and I found one that was given good advices. Basically, it said, if something is bothering you in your relationship, you need to take a step back before raising it up. If in 3 days, it is still bothering you, you can talk of it with your partner. If after 3 days, you don't even think about it anymore, it might mean it was not that important. A lot of fight start because we raise an issue and then, because of the difficulty of communicating our emotions through texts, the other side takes it badly and it can degenerate quick and fast. If you wait a bit, take the time to see how to bring up the issue, it might help a lot.

When you have an issue too, you should try to verbalise what you want to communicate by using the "i". For example, "i feel like you've been really busy lately. I can understand that work is really important and I support you 100% but it would really please me if we would take a bit of time for ourselves this week" instead of using the "you" like "you've been so busy lately. You don't seem to care that much anymore". The "you" is more accusatory while the "I" speaker sounds better.

I think that what you should try to do too is trying to not raise some issues for a bit (for the time that the storm goes away). Just talk about some positive stuff. Try to have normal conversation. Talk about your day. If you feel like the conversation tends to go back to the issues, tell your SO it might be better waiting a bit, that you need some time to think about stuff and manage everything. Do small talks. I admit sometimes small talk is boring but it can help to deviate the conversation when you know that you're not ready to talk about something and that your SO is not receptive or ready to talk or hear about it either. Talking of just normal stuff, of your day at school or work or your cat or whatever you used to like to talk about might help to reconnect. When you see that the conversation seem to end from his side, just let it be. Don't try to force conversation. Especially when it's a bit of a storm in the relationship. Some alone time is perfectly healthy too and might help you both. You could also propose him to go back to writing letters. It might be hard to send letters in a submarine but It could be emails too. just write stuff and send it and don't ask for a reply. Don't expect it either. Just do what makes you happy. Try not to have expectations. Honestly I've been waiting for like 8 months from a letter from my SO and still waiting for it Ahah. I don't expect him to write one. I know that we communicate anyway. I send him audio of my voice sometimes. I don't expect one in return. Expectations can be bad sometimes. Just do what you like. What makes you happy. If he complains about it, then the problem comes from him. Not you.

Believe in yourself and stay strong. life can be hard and challenging. But remember that when you're down and you think you reached the lowest, things can only start to improve gradually.