It Feels Unfair...

[Arielle]

I honestly just need to vent a little to people who actually get it, I think...

My boyfriend is in the military and recently got stationed a mere 4 hours away. We were lucky enough to have about 5 months in the same place and we're about to head into our 3rd month of a LDR. I realize 4 hours is not that far and we get to see each other more often than a lot of LD couples - something people like to remind me of all of the time and despite the fact that distance is still distance, it makes me feel bad for missing him as much as I do and crying all of the tears/sulking for days after we're apart again.

Last night was a new experience and the first time I questioned whether or not it was worth it though. We were supposed to have the whole weekend together. He got off duty, running on only 2 hours of sleep, and drove straight to meet up to spend the day with my friends and I. We were supposed to have Sunday together, just he and I, until he got a phone call around 9:30 last night saying his other coworkers couldn't cover and he needed to be back up at his duty station ASAP. Normally I can prep myself for the goodbye, but I couldn't last night, and I was internally (I did not verbalize this) furious at the military for stealing away those hours from us and his coworkers for apparently having more important things going on. I realize that's not a great response - it's unfair to him and the job that he loves and his coworkers who also have lives - but it hurt in a way I've never felt before. I know it hurt him, too, which was hard to see. But also helpful for me because it often seems (always, really), that he has a much easier time with the distance and adjusting and it's good to know he feels a little bit of the heaviness of it too, if that makes sense... All in all, it hurts like all get out and I really just want those hours back to physically be with him and for us to be 'us'. The emotional whiplash is strong right now and I'm still not sure how to best respond in these moments - ones that he literally has no control over and I never want to make him feel bad for doing his job.

Sorry it's a little bit jumbled. For all of you who have done the military long distance deal for much longer than I have... I'm taking any and all advice. I know we're worth it. He's more than worth it to me. But this unpredictability is hard and I'm at a loss for where to start building healthy expectations and coping mechanisms with it.

[Harlequin]

When it comes to the military, it's important to remember that you will always come second. It's not because he doesn't care about you, of course, but it's either do your job, or go to a federal prison. Since you're not a spouse, you'll find you matter even less. Again, it's not personal, it's just military. The troops barely matter as individual humans.
It's difficult to make plans, because things can absolutely change as quickly as they did for you this weekend, so it's better to anticipate this sort of thing will happen regularly. That way, it's a pleasant surprise when it doesn't happen. Really, just expect the military to do stupid and confusing things, because it will.
For instance, I could go get a boob job right now because it's "medically necessary for my mental health" (wink wink) and have Tricare cover it, but if I want to seek out fertility treatments like IVF or IUI, then I'm on my own footing that bill.
See if your boyfriend can get you in touch with his friends and their girlfriends/spouses. Being able to talk to people in the same situation and out of the same base is very comforting, because they know exactly what to expect. Also, they're an easy way to make friends (WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT). Another tip I have is to emotionally distance yourself from his job. The less invested you are in it emotionally, the less hurt you'll feel by it. Also, pick up hobbies. I learned how to crochet during my husband's first deployment, and then started learning Japanese during his second. If you keep yourself busy and mentally stimulated, it makes the whole thing a little less sucky.
If the distance bothers you, then it might be worth moving closer to him if at all possible, or moving in together at some point. He doesn't HAVE to live in the barracks forever, so it's possible for you guys to get an apartment or something together.

[onlyemily]

My SO isn't in the military or 4 hours away but I understand you're feelings. I have definitely had my fair share of "is this really worth it". But you just really need to know that what you feel IS COMPLETELY NORMAL. I'm not yelling lol I just want you to understand that it is normal. Don't let others make you feel like you can't feel that way. You are hurting, sad and lonely. THAT'S OKAY!! It is such a struggle to get back in the groove of your life after a visit, especially one that ended so abruptly. I try to stay busy as much as I can after a visit, don't get me wrong, I am a sulky depressed mess after for daaaaaays but you just have to keep going, eventually -not going to say it gets better, because lets be honest, thats a lie- but eventually and hopefully you will be able to close the distance and that will be SOOOOOOO WORTH IT. Hang in there xx

[nomnomelf]

HI Arielle,

When you've had it easy going for a while by being close then to suddenly have your special time together reduced due to his job & the increase in distance is a double whammy. You said he seems often able to cope / adjust to it easier, but that's perhaps just practice from over the years of service? I know when I voiced my concerns about becoming a LDR my SO seemed less fearful than I did, because as he said "he's just used to it, the moving around".

Everyone above is right, need to keep busy - though I would also say there is no harm in grumping about it for a few days either!

take care of yourself, but don't give up, remember he drove those 4 hours to see you on only 2hours of sleep. He cares and sounds like he'll use all the minutes to spare to spend with you. its annoying, but you have to treasure those - rather than the ones you had planned but never actually had.