Hi Guys! - Advice Would Be Appreciated :)

[yolo020309]

Hi I'm pretty new but that's okay. I read through a lot of other posts but none seemed to help my situation so I figured I'd just post my problem.

I've been in an LDR for over three years now. We're both teens and we've not met yet but we've video-chatted, phoned, IM'd, letters, pictures, everything. Neither of my parents know as they're against any sort of relationship but his mom knows.

I'm a very insecure person due to a rough childhood/past and around March of this year, he started ignoring me. Not to the point of it being straight up ignorance, but I'd go three or four days without hearing anything from him and if/when I did hear something - he always said something along the lines of "I'm sorry, my dad is really stressing me out and I don't want to take anything out on you because I know you have your own dad problems."
At first, I accepted that because my dad does cause a lot of problems in my life and my SO patiently listens a lot when I rant about him. I did mention a few times that he could always talk to me about anything and that I missed him. After three weeks of this, I finally gave in to my insecurities that he was cheating on me with someone better looking. I ended it and I was very immature about it. I called him a lot of undeserved names and basically ended the relationship in a way that he couldn't argue against it.

After constantly thinking about him, I finally messaged him in the beginning of July. I apologized for the way I dumped him and he accept my apology. For a few days, we were friends but then he told me how much he missed me, how much his mom missed me, how sorry he was for not handling his stress the right way, etc etc. We decided to get back together.

During the summer, he has a job working 2 pm-12. This means we don't talk often, because he's so tired when he gets home, he sleeps until eleven am the next morning and then has to do it again (he's six hours ahead of me also). It's back to the 3 or 4 days of ignorance because his dad is bugging him again. He's always very supportive, willing to listen, saying "I love you" and "You're the only one I want, I'd never leave you for anything or anyone else" and things like this. It's hard for me to get over my own insecurities and trust him, and I am working on it. I do mention to him on occasion that I'd love for him to talk to me more, and that he could rant/complain to me if he'd like.

I know this is quite long- I have a tendency to ramble - but in the end, I'm asking if his behaviour is normal? What should I do to help him out? I just miss talking to him as often as we used to. He's always reassuring his love but sometimes I doubt it because we don't talk. I do thank anyone who has any advice and/or takes the time to read

[Kaisukaru]

Welcome to LFAD.

Well, I'm getting a little manic so my post might get a little confusing at times, but I hope I'll still be of some help.

First of all, I hope you find the support you need here. Disapproving parents can be quite challenging and there are indeed several other challenges in being a LDR. I also have quite a lot of such challenges in my life, and I'm also a very insecure person overall. I used to feel very miserable about my situation but ever since I joined this community (and yes, I am only a newbie like you) I realized that I am not the only person going through this. Some of us had a rough childhood, some of us are working really hard to make a living... You can add to the list forever, really. Strangely enough, the distance doesn't turn out to be the hardest thing in a LDR most of the time.

I also learned here on LFAD and from my own relationship that the only way to actually deal with such challenges is to form a mutualistic and true bond with your partner.

So, to answer your question, I don't have a definite answer. I would say it depends on the nature of your relationship, what your expectations are from each other. Personally, I can't imagine going without a decent amount of communication with my SO despite my hectic schedule, but in my humble opinion, every relationship has its own course. Like I said, I am sure there are a lot of people here on LFAD that can provide you with great advice and insight, much better than me for sure. However, I believe that your best option is to ask yourself certain questions because you know your circumstances the best. Ask yourself why exactly you feel insecure in your relationship. Is it your childhood or something that happened recently, something closely tied with your relationship? I suppose your best bet is to tell him about your concerns openly and discuss it. You'll then know what his true feelings are like. As for not having time to communicate... Just create it. I don't think an email in the morning is too much?

In a nutshell, communicate. Make your wishes and fears clear, and let him do the same. No doubt you'll find precious help here, but a bunch of strangers (that is, us ) can only help you to an extent.

If you need someone to talk to, just PM me. A bit difficult for me to keep focused on long texts right now, but I'm here anytime you need someone to talk to.

[Tanja]

To me it seems that you're reading into things a bit too much. Your insecurities are causing you to think that he's fooling around behind your back when in fact he might actually just be busy. The way you behaved earlier and dumbed him was very immature. If he really wasn't doing anything and you just called him a cheater without any evidence except your own fears and doubts and he still forgave you for it and wants to be with you... That's a sign of something. If he was cheating and checking out other girls he would've been happy you left him.

There's nothing dodgy in his behaviour, it's you who need to tackle your problems and get help with them. It's not his job to try and fix your insecurities and also it's not fair to make him suffer from them. You have to work on them yourself cause otherwise they will cause you to lose him and you'll both end up hurting.

[yolo020309]

Welcome to LFAD.

Well, I'm getting a little manic so my post might get a little confusing at times, but I hope I'll still be of some help.

First of all, I hope you find the support you need here. Disapproving parents can be quite challenging and there are indeed several other challenges in being a LDR. I also have quite a lot of such challenges in my life, and I'm also a very insecure person overall. I used to feel very miserable about my situation but ever since I joined this community (and yes, I am only a newbie like you) I realized that I am not the only person going through this. Some of us had a rough childhood, some of us are working really hard to make a living... You can add to the list forever, really. Strangely enough, the distance doesn't turn out to be the hardest thing in a LDR most of the time.

I also learned here on LFAD and from my own relationship that the only way to actually deal with such challenges is to form a mutualistic and true bond with your partner.

So, to answer your question, I don't have a definite answer. I would say it depends on the nature of your relationship, what your expectations are from each other. Personally, I can't imagine going without a decent amount of communication with my SO despite my hectic schedule, but in my humble opinion, every relationship has its own course. Like I said, I am sure there are a lot of people here on LFAD that can provide you with great advice and insight, much better than me for sure. However, I believe that your best option is to ask yourself certain questions because you know your circumstances the best. Ask yourself why exactly you feel insecure in your relationship. Is it your childhood or something that happened recently, something closely tied with your relationship? I suppose your best bet is to tell him about your concerns openly and discuss it. You'll then know what his true feelings are like. As for not having time to communicate... Just create it. I don't think an email in the morning is too much?

In a nutshell, communicate. Make your wishes and fears clear, and let him do the same. No doubt you'll find precious help here, but a bunch of strangers (that is, us ) can only help you to an extent.

If you need someone to talk to, just PM me. A bit difficult for me to keep focused on long texts right now, but I'm here anytime you need someone to talk to.

Thanks for taking the time to reply! I wish he'd email me at any time at all. I'll email him randomly throughout the day because he says he likes hearing from me. But he usually doesn't respond and says it's because he's angry at his dad. Originally, I doubted him because he was online talking to one of his close female friends and so I figured he was cheating because we used to talk for hours every day. After we got back together, he reassured me he was only helping her through a tough breakup and I knew she had broken up with her long time boyfriend so it was a valid reason.

[yolo020309]

To me it seems that you're reading into things a bit too much. Your insecurities are causing you to think that he's fooling around behind your back when in fact he might actually just be busy. The way you behaved earlier and dumbed him was very immature. If he really wasn't doing anything and you just called him a cheater without any evidence except your own fears and doubts and he still forgave you for it and wants to be with you... That's a sign of something. If he was cheating and checking out other girls he would've been happy you left him.

There's nothing dodgy in his behaviour, it's you who need to tackle your problems and get help with them. It's not his job to try and fix your insecurities and also it's not fair to make him suffer from them. You have to work on them yourself cause otherwise they will cause you to lose him and you'll both end up hurting.

Thanks for replying I had doubts that he wasn't being faithful because he was talking to a close friend a lot while ignoring me and that friend happened to be female. He assured me after we got back together that he was just being her sounding board because she needed one at the time. I'm not saying I need him constantly present/emailing/talking to me. But a "Hey, How are you?" or "Hey, I love you," would be great once a day. I've voiced this concern of mine but he always says "Sorry - my dad is stressing me out and I'd never want to yell at you". I'm sorry if I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I just miss going from tons of contact to barely any at all.

[Sanney4709]

I think you should talk to him about it and let him know how you feel and try to compromise. If he truly loves you he should be willing to at least email you once a day. It sounds like he is just really busy. I do feel breaking up with him without evidence of him cheating wasn't the right thing to do. You also need to realize that trust is key to a relationship especially a long distance relationship. Good luck!

[yolo020309]

I think you should talk to him about it and let him know how you feel and try to compromise. If he truly loves you he should be willing to at least email you once a day. It sounds like he is just really busy. I do feel breaking up with him without evidence of him cheating wasn't the right thing to do. You also need to realize that trust is key to a relationship especially a long distance relationship. Good luck!

Thank you so much! I truly am working on the trust thing. I feel a lot better knowing everyone just thinks he's busy :3

[Melinahasan26]

Honestly I'm kinda going through the same thing as you, my bf and I have been together in a long distance relationship for a year now and my parents don't know because they dont approve of me having any relationships, but his family knows. We are also 6 hours apart, I in Chicago n him in London, but we video chat and talk on the phone and we text all the time because I have the same insecurities as you do by my bf tries to talk to me all the time even while he's working so I don't ever feel like he's doing something behind my back. We haven't met yet either but we plan on doing do when I'm 16 ^-^ But I'd say yeah it depends on the nature of your relationship and yes he could be stressed out from work or his dad but I think it still doesn't mean he should not spend a lot of time with you still. Because my parents don't know about my relationship, the only time I can talk to him is in the early morning or when I sleep, I sleep around 9:30pm and my bf wakes up around 3:30am in the morning just to talk to me. So I'd say try to work something out with ur bf like a schedule, it will mak your relationship consistent and stable. I hope I helped ^-^