Don't have a choice. Help? :(

[Maximum212]

After having a talk with my father and brother in law yesterday, I'm no longer talking to the girl I had feelings for, or any of my long distance friends. My family has decided that it would be best to not talk to them anymore. They said I was too young to date (I'm 15) and that I didn't even know the girl in real life. This hurt. Of course, I understand where they're coming from my father even dated when he was young, dated only 2 girls but both didn't end well. Then he met my mom, and here he is. Here we are. So yes, my dad does understand me in a way. Yet it still hurts really bad. There's no way around it, I'm eventually going to have to move on. I don't want to go behind my parents' backs anymore, yes anymore, I was, but I don't want to do it anymore. I've already said goodbye to the girl and my best friends from online. The rest would find out soon enough..

I feel like I'm pretty much being forced to move on now. I mean, the way my brother in law said it, the next time I should bring up girls to them (my family) is when I want to plan my wedding. I'm afraid of the future a bit now, what if I become 18 and still think about her? Apparently I won't be allowed to really date until after college. She'll probably be one of if not the main girl on my mind. But I'll have to move on. It isn't realistic to like someone for so long, when you can't even be in contact, plus it's already a LDR, contact means a lot and without that, you're pretty much done for..

How am I supposed to go about this? It will take a while for my feelings to really go away, yet I need to know how to go about the process of moving on. I bet she'll move on, I can't see her liking me for years, she's an amazing girl, and guys will probably have a crush on her soon enough. It doesn't help that she can't date either, yet I bet she'll be allowed before I am. I have to wait until after college. So how do I go about moving on? How do I lessen the pain I'm feeling? I really do like this girl, I haven't been in love yet, at least I don't know if I have been. But I really, truly do like this girl and don't want to let her go. Yet, I have no choice. Help?

[Sora1101]

I hate when people say they don't have a choice there is ALWAYS a choice you just choose the one with the best outcome for you. You chose to say goodbye to your friends because you didn't want to get in trouble that was your choice. Anyway, I don't understand why you can't date until after college, is it your religion or culture or something? If it's not I don't see why you can't maybe your dad thinks 15 is too young but once you're 18 you're an adult you get to make your own decisions and if you go off to college at 18 you can date in college you don't have to wait till afterward, you won't be living with your dad.

Chances are the girl will move on 3 years is a long time to wait and chances are in 3 years you'll find someone else, you're young and have a lot of life ahead of you. But if you're still feeling strongly about her then you can try and find her and see if she wants to start over again.

[kittyo9]

Kind of as said above... once you're 18, you are a legal adult here in the United States and you can always choose to date someone while you're in college. That is not an issue. Your parents don't make your life decisions for you, and you don't have to abstain from dating.

I was 15 when I got into my first relationship. It was long-distance and I hid it from my parents for more than a year. I wasn't "allowed" to date until I was 18... but I'm an independent person and, as much as I dislike disobeying my parents, I really did not give a crap. Unfortunately, my mom refused to allow us to meet, and that ultimately led to our breakup 19 months later. We were too young-- we didn't have the money nor the power to make our relationship work.

If you are okay with moving on from her (a tough decision, but sometimes we have to do what we have to do), you will be surprised to find that one day-- maybe not tomorrow or a week from now, but in time-- you will no longer feel like you need her. To get there, you have to allow yourself to grieve a little. You might feel terrible for a few weeks and feel like everything is over, but you have to accept that this is a normal part of the grieving process. Watch movies, hang out with family and friends, and eliminate all contact with her. Take time to learn about yourself and focus on making yourself into the best person you can be.

[Zephii]

If it's something special it'll still be there, I have faith in that. It took my SO and I nearly five years to meet in person and start dating, but no matter how long without contact we went, we never forgot each other.

That said, your parents don't control everything, nor does your brother in law. Hell, I wasn't even living with my parents any more at 15, so it drives me crazy when young people start going on about how powerless they are. Meanwhile, there isn't a good reason for them to stop you having friends online, even if I can see why they don't want you dating at 15.

End rant

As for moving on? I guess it's the usual "stay busy and make new friends in your city" or "concentrate on your studies instead." You really can't force your emotions to do what you want, all you can do is hope the passage of time soothes the pain and helps make your memory hazy.

[D.4C]

i'm sorry...but i think that this truly isn't right...i dated when i was 15...who really doesn't for the most part...isn't that why they have homecoming..and prom...and dances at school?...and who the hell is your brother in law to say anything in the first place...not trying to be an ass here...but...totally not in agreeance with your family here...i know my opinion won't matter a pinch of shit to them...and like others have said...once you are 18...you are an adult...and you can do what you want......ugh...just not right in my eyes...

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

If it's something special it'll still be there, I have faith in that. It took my SO and I nearly five years to meet in person and start dating, but no matter how long without contact we went, we never forgot each other.

I second this. My SO and I met through my parents (our parents were friends), but they lived in another country. My SO and I had feelings for each other for five years before we actually got together, but seeing as we were so far apart we got on with our separate lives and dated other people. But we still ended up together, even after dating other people, because it felt special.

I definitely believe that if this girl is the right one, she will still be the right one a couple of years down the line. Even if you both date other people. And if you date someone else, you might find that actually, this girl wasn't the right one for you, and the one you're with is the right one. In my eyes, even though it hurts now, this is a win-win situation.

It will stop hurting so much. Good luck.

[SonyaKitty]

I don't think it's possible to not have a choice. I know you don't wanna lie to or hide from your parents but if your feelings for her are strong enough that might the solution. On the other hand you said you just like her not love her, you could grow to love her or your feelings could fade. And also not dating till after collage? Your dad is full of shit, and your brother in law has no say in this. It's your choice, you may hide from your parents,listen to them, or tell them and face whatever consequences you may face and keep talking to her. My SO and I have planned ways to keep talking in case my mother finds out, using friend's phone, public computer at the library, and letters. Stop thinking you are powerless. Your situation believe it or not is simple.

[Ben (Bun)]

Ok two things why are you even listening to your brother inlaw. (He's just kissing your dads ass). Second if you really love this girl screw both of them. There are plenty of ways to stay in touch or to hide that your still in contact. Pair is great for that because it ha a pass lock on it. If they take a way your phone you still have a computer and then get a job and go get a cheap throw away. You have options. But if your really not that into her then let it go and find a new one. I know what your going through. People don't think your online friends are "real" friends. But what I say to that would I pay $1500 to fly to the uk and party with them if they were not real friends that usually shuts them up. If you really consider these people your friends don't ditch them.

[Maximum212]

If it's something special it'll still be there, I have faith in that. It took my SO and I nearly five years to meet in person and start dating, but no matter how long without contact we went, we never forgot each other.

Was it ever like my situation? Did you have to stay out of contact for even a year at least? At least you were able to keep in contact. I don't even have that. My family doesn't consider her real since I haven't met her in person. If something is special it'll still be there, I believe in that, but how will I get to know? I either disobey my family or I don't. And I don't want to, I want to follow their rules. Yet, I really want to talk to her, and the other people I met online as well. Its frustrating. I feel like nothing I say will work. How will I be able to make sure that "something special" is still there? I texted her, and asked her if she planned to wait for me. She said she would. But I'm not sure she could make a promise like that yet. I'm not sure if she knows what it entails..it makes me happy, but sad also. We wouldn't have to "wait" if it wasn't for my parent's rule..

[Maximum212]

I know what your going through. People don't think your online friends are "real" friends. But what I say to that would I pay $1500 to fly to the uk and party with them if they were not real friends that usually shuts them up. If you really consider these people your friends don't ditch them.

I don't want to ditch them, I really don't. But its so frustrating that I have to choose. This is the choice I'm faced with, my family, or my friends? Of course, neither is a life or death situation. However, I don't have the money or time to go meet any of them anytime soon. It would have to be done with parents' help which I'm obviously not getting. Its at times like this where I wish they were here with me. We wouldn't have this problem. LDRs really don't bother me, but at this point, I can't have a LDR with her. I'm just stuck.

[kittyo9]

I don't want to ditch them, I really don't. But its so frustrating that I have to choose. This is the choice I'm faced with, my family, or my friends? Of course, neither is a life or death situation. However, I don't have the money or time to go meet any of them anytime soon. It would have to be done with parents' help which I'm obviously not getting. Its at times like this where I wish they were here with me. We wouldn't have this problem. LDRs really don't bother me, but at this point, I can't have a LDR with her. I'm just stuck.

You don't have to visit them. Just talking to them online is fine. The only reason I've met some of my online friends is because we happened to be in the same area for unrelated reasons (I was going to a wedding near Toronto in Canada, I was studying abroad in Luxembourg and going to the Netherlands for the weekend), so we planned to meet up. Unless your parents entirely bar you from using the computer, they can't really stop you from having online friends, and you're not really choosing between friends and family. You're online right now. There are so many ways you can carry on a conversation with your online friends, be it through personal e-mail, instant messenger, facebook chat/messages, or what have you, and it might involve not doing what your family wants, but it's seriously not that big of a deal. If the rest of your life is not suffering because of it (as in school work, grades, family commitments, pre-existing social life), then you're fine.

Anyway, as for the LDR, it sounds like you'd be better off just putting the idea off for now, since you cannot commit to this relationship for financial and personal reasons. Either be friends with this girl or break contact with her.

[D.4C]

gah..after reading this again...it's such bullshit...i know you are 15...but who are they to say who you can be friends with...or be in love with...especially your brother in law?...who the hell is he to say?...very irritated by this...sorry...i'm not normally like this...but it's so totally not right...and honestly...in my experience..when someone tells you you can't have or do something...you want it all the more...i say find a way to keep in touch...secret if need be...do whatever you have to do in the name of love...if they can't deal with it...too damn bad...i think 15 is old enough to understand love...and be in the relationship that you need and feels right to you....you aren't hurting them...

[Maximum212]

gah..after reading this again...it's such bullshit...i know you are 15...but who are they to say who you can be friends with...or be in love with...especially your brother in law?...who the hell is he to say?...very irritated by this...sorry...i'm not normally like this...but it's so totally not right...and honestly...in my experience..when someone tells you you can't have or do something...you want it all the more...i say find a way to keep in touch...secret if need be...do whatever you have to do in the name of love...if they can't deal with it...too damn bad...i think 15 is old enough to understand love...and be in the relationship that you need and feels right to you....you aren't hurting them...

I know it may be odd that my brother in law has a say in this, but it's because he's older. The thing is, he and my father agree on all of this. My dad gets to say all of this because he's my parent. As long as I'm living under their (my parents') roof, I have to abide by their rules, as my dad would say. You're right, I do want it all the more. I really, really want to talk to her, and the rest of my friends. I could easily keep in touch with them secretly, but it just doesn't feel right you know? I mean, they're my parents and I don't want to go against them. But at the same time, they're my friends and I don't want to lose them. I definitely don't want to lose the girl I have feelings for. I'm just stuck here.

[Maximum212]

You don't have to visit them. Just talking to them online is fine. The only reason I've met some of my online friends is because we happened to be in the same area for unrelated reasons (I was going to a wedding near Toronto in Canada, I was studying abroad in Luxembourg and going to the Netherlands for the weekend), so we planned to meet up. Unless your parents entirely bar you from using the computer, they can't really stop you from having online friends, and you're not really choosing between friends and family. You're online right now. There are so many ways you can carry on a conversation with your online friends, be it through personal e-mail, instant messenger, facebook chat/messages, or what have you, and it might involve not doing what your family wants, but it's seriously not that big of a deal. If the rest of your life is not suffering because of it (as in school work, grades, family commitments, pre-existing social life), then you're fine.

Anyway, as for the LDR, it sounds like you'd be better off just putting the idea off for now, since you cannot commit to this relationship for financial and personal reasons. Either be friends with this girl or break contact with her.

I definitely wouldn't let it interfere with my studies. My life wouldn't be suffering at all. The problem is, talking to them is not involving what my parent wants. That's the problem! I want to do what they want. But I also don't. I want to talk to my friends! I miss them a lot, to the point where I was crying this morning. But what can I do? Talking to my family gets me nowhere. My dad even got to the point where he said he was tired of talking to me about this, since I'm "not listening." That isn't it at all, its that they don't understand. I can't get let go of these friends of mine. I can't just forget.

I think I could commit to the LDR. Financial reasons isn't too bad of a problem. I'd be happy to be with her through online only, we could work out the meetings and stuff later in life. Personal reasons are my parents! I hate the thought of breaking contact with her, which I've technically already done or am trying to do (I still find myself texting her from time to time), but my parents won't let me keep contact!

[D.4C]

i know you don't want to keep being secretive...and it's very hard...but if it's what you want...you gotta do what you gotta do...if i had kids...and was faced with this situation...i would be ok with my child dating in their teens...as i did...but i would expect the boyfriend/girlfriend to want to do things with the whole family...i think it makes for a better dynamic...not saying all the time...but sometimes...i just think the elders in your family are pushing you to have to keep things a secret...they should be supportive of you..instead of not allowing you to do things...