Teens Completely and utterly lost

[amyy]

Okay so basically me and my boyfriend have only recently began our long distance relationship, we experienced some distance last year when he was forced to live with his brother for 3 months.

Basically last year on Valentines Day he was living with his brother so we weren't going to be able to spend it together and we were on minimal contact due to lack of up to date phones and internet etc. but I patiently waited for an sms from him wishing me a Happy Valentines and blah but I never got any. You can only imagine the sms I sent him when I finally gave up waiting.
So this year I thought that he would be a bit more on the ball especially as yet again we would not be spending it together...I guess not as I'm still waiting for my card to arrive. His excuse was that he didn't have time to post it on the weekend (he really wasn't to be fair especially as it takes two seconds to post a card) and he never has time during the week as his college is far away from town. Yet he magically posted it the week just gone (yes a week after Valentines Day). Now this was insulting to me as my parents were away at the time leaving me to begin University and look after my siblings and the house, any parents will know how time consuming it becomes to clean the house, kids homework, making dinner etc as well as reading lecture notes. Yet I still found the time to post his Valentines card, now fair enough he didn't recieve it on Valentines Day but that was because he was not going to be able to get it during the week and that wasn't my fault but I still sent it to arrive on time.

Now with us both being busy during the day, I feel like we can only talk or message on Whatsapp properly during the evenings but he is always going to the bar, I literally mean every night and I just feel like he can't give me some of his free time properly message or talk etc because he would rather be spending it at the bar.
So on Friday night I had had enough and said that I wanted a break. I haven't messaged him since that night apart from once (which I'll say just now) and I don't know what to do right now. Yesterday he sent a few messages to get my attention until late at night when he sent me some drunken texts saying he loved and missed me which I stupidly replied simply saying that he was drunk and should get some sleep. He confessed he was but he didn't care and that he needed me. And now this morning he's sent me three messages one saying a fish died another saying that he hopes I've been checking the post and the third one being lyrics to an Adventure Time song.

Its been so hard for me not to message him yet I don't think he is all that fazed, its like he knows I won't end it with him so he's just waiting for me to give up with the silent treatment. And I just don't know what to do, please can someone help me?

Thanks for reading

[dragonlady]

move on... sorry that is probably not what you want to hear... but a guy who is in the pub every night??? my first ex was a alcholist believe me you dont want that!
you deserve better!!!

[ThePiedPiper]

I was prepared to say that communication is lacking. You bitched him out one year for Valentine's Day so assumed he would be "on the ball" the next, and in my opinion, if you wanted a Valentine's Day card on the day or if you wanted to celebrate it as a holiday, then you should have spoken with him about it in January. Not everyone sees the holiday as that big of a deal and different people have different levels of expectations. For example, when you were "waiting for a text message," why couldn't you have sent one? Would his "Happy Valentine's Day" have meant less to you because it came after you sent one to him...? Sometimes that can be a gentle reminder that you do like Valentine's Day and you do celebrate it/see it as important to acknowledge. It doesn't make his expression of love or his text message all of a sudden mean less because you had to initiate it. I was prepared to say that fighting over a week late Valentine's Day card is ridiculous if the expectations were not discussed beforehand (and not a year in advance), but then I read that he's in the pub every night.

I have dated someone who rarely drank and someone who drank consistently and all I can say about the latter is that he was extremely inconsistent and broke a lot of promises to me. Now, there was a lot more that went into it than simply drinking, I'll admit (though he smoked pot too). A lot of it had to do with the fact he couldn't say "no," so he often had plans with me, a friend of his and his best friend all in the same night and his best friend was who often won out. He ended up actually dumping me because his best friend said to and then later regretted dumping me for him. But regardless, the fact of the matter was he didn't have his life together and he was incredibly immature and he was too immature for a relationship. *shrug* It sounds like that might be where your boyfriend is at. Regardless of culture, as I know some places in Europe have a drinking culture, being out to the pub every night is excessive, especially when it comes at the cost of spending time with you and on his relationship. It's possible that if he's unwilling to give it up, he's at a place in his life where he wants to drink and have fun. I wouldn't necessarily call him an alcoholic, depending on culture and depending on where he's at in life, but I would say that he might not be in the place where he's able to maintain a relationship.

I will say, however, that I still think communication seems to be an issue. You can't let drunken compared to sober behaviour be your determinant for whether or not the relationship is worth pursuing. You cannot let behaviour be your cue. You cannot act in certain ways hoping to elicit certain behaviour because you will be disappointed. You shouldn't be taking a break/giving him "the silent treatment" because you want him to be phased by it. o.o A break is a break about thinking about what you want and how to go ahead with the relationship. A break is not supposed to mean that you ignore him while he begs you back until you're satisfied. Be grateful he's respecting your space and time that you requested to think.If you want to figure out what the relationship means and discuss expectations and what the relationship needs to continue, then go off the break and actually talk to him.

[amyy]

if you wanted a Valentine's Day card on the day or if you wanted to celebrate it as a holiday, then you should have spoken with him about it in January. For example, when you were "waiting for a text message," why couldn't you have sent one? Would his "Happy Valentine's Day" have meant less to you because it came after you sent one to him...?

It's possible that if he's unwilling to give it up, he's at a place in his life where he wants to drink and have fun. I wouldn't necessarily call him an alcoholic, depending on culture and depending on where he's at in life, but I would say that he might not be in the place where he's able to maintain a relationship.

I will say, however, that I still think communication seems to be an issue. You can't let drunken compared to sober behaviour be your determinant for whether or not the relationship is worth pursuing.

You shouldn't be taking a break/giving him "the silent treatment" because you want him to be phased by it. o.o A break is a break about thinking about what you want and how to go ahead with the relationship. A break is not supposed to mean that you ignore him while he begs you back until you're satisfied. Be grateful he's respecting your space and time that you requested to think.If you want to figure out what the relationship means and discuss expectations and what the relationship needs to continue, then go off the break and actually talk to him.

Okay maybe I was being a bit too vague on my situation, ive taken snippets of your response so you can see what bits im responding to.
Okay first of all yes I could've messaged him first on that Valentines Day you are completely right, but at that time text messages were expensive and when his internet on his phone stopped working we barely spoke, however I spent a good $20 on phone calls and I would send messages to him first and just this one day I wanted him to send a message first so that I knew that I was on his mind that day. As for this year talking about it beforehand, we did, plenty of times in fact and I simply explained to him everytime that to him it might not be much but its just something that does mean a bit to me no matter how lame it is to him or others so yes he really did know how much I was hoping for that card that is yet to arrive. I know I may sound spoilt but its hard to see on facebook etc everyone putting up pictures of their cards and gifts whilst I was waiting for mine.

Okay I was honestly thinking that people were going to tell me that him going out every night was normal and that I'm just the loner in this situation, he is at college at the moment his first year (I'm at uni in my first year) so its visits to the bar every night for him which he says is so that he can make friends. Its not so much him going out (trust me he doesn't drink lots and he is not an alcoholic) its just the fact that it would be nice if he could go to the bar a bit later or come home a bit earlier so we can have an hour of proper talking but he refuses and twists it into me just being angry about him socialising when its not and I have explained this so many times that I just want us to talk properly. I even say good night to him whenever he does go out so that I'm not disturbing him from spending time with friends.

I will admit I am sitting staring at my phone waiting for him to reply to see if he cares about me not talking to him but thats not why I'm not talking to him, the silent treatment is because if I message him I won't stop and sure enough another fight will erupt, Friday we even fought over a stupid thing because I didn't find something he did paticularly funny and he got incredibly defensive. The reason for the break is because I am trying to work out whether our relationship is going to work out and it is sooo hard, I can't stand all of this fighting and everytime we fight we talk it out yet nothing improves it all stays the same and it just feels like this relationship is silly because of all the fighting. But the idea of not being with him makes me feel sick and I literally want to curl up in a ball and cry. I just don't know what to do, I am dying to talk to him and he has just sent me a message saying he accepted the idea of a break to see what would happen but it isnt going great, but how are we going to know if this relationship is going to work out if we don't give it some time to think or has our answer been spoken already or do we talk but not and intensely as we normally do?

[ThePiedPiper]

The problem with taking a break is that the original issue is still there. Taking a break isn't going to solve your lack of communication. It's not going to make him love you more. It's not going to fix this issue of him prioritising going out and making friends etc. over you. Communicating those issues and discussing them with one another is going to be what's going to change those things. :/ If he ends up getting defensive, then it's possible it's the way you're communicating (using "you" statements, for example, versus "I feel," or if you're getting angry and yelling at him), but it's also possible he's simply not ready to accept criticism at this point and if that's the case, you have to decide whether or not you can deal with his acting the way he is or if you think it's time to call it quits. People go through a lot of changes in college in general, let alone their first year, and it sounds like he's not yet learned to balance out life between college and girlfriend. That's either something he'll be willing to talk about or something he'll close himself off to, at which point you, unfortunately, have a decision to make. Sometimes that's what it comes down to, and no one likes being in that position, but it could simply be that right now, you two want very different things out of a relationship. However, you won't know unless you talk about it. Taking a break to think is good. If you need that time to think, then by all means, take it, but taking a break will not fix any of the issues you've described, if that's what you're hoping it will do.

As for the Valentine's thing, I understand what you're saying but again I emphasise the fact that not everyone finds Valentine's Day to be as important. Sometimes we simply have to compromise and let our expectations of something go. For example, as opposed to dwelling on how you didn't get to post pictures on your Facebook the day of, be grateful for the fact he came around to sending you a card at all. His time management might be worse than yours, so even if you managed to post yours on time, maybe it was something he didn't get around to until a week late for whatever reason. :/ Sometimes in LDRs and relationships in general, we have to make compromises. We can't always get our way. Sometimes things happen and mail doesn't get sent out and what we should do is understand it versus get upset about it because we can't share it on Facebook immediately. You'll get to share it on Facebook at some point and I highly doubt anyone's going to judge, "so it came a little bit late, but here's my Valentine's gift. <3" I can tell you I wouldn't think twice about the fact it came late, as an outsider looking in. I'd think it was sweet you got something at all. I'm not saying you're not entitled to your feelings and I'm not implying you sound spoiled, but I am trying to say you might think about being grateful versus dwelling on what you DON'T like about this Valentine's Day, because to me, it sounds like an improvement from last year in the sense he got you something. I still stand by what I said about expectations though. Waiting by the phone for a first text is almost always a way to guarantee disappointment cause it doesn't often work out the way it does in our heads.

Like I said, I don't think he's an alcoholic. I think he's a college boy. Most people I know in college go through a phase like that. But I also think that if he continuously prioritises the pub/friends over you, then maybe being in that place is more important to him right now than a long-term relationship.

[amyy]

If you need that time to think, then by all means, take it, but taking a break will not fix any of the issues you've described, if that's what you're hoping it will do.

I'd think it was sweet you got something at all. I'm not saying you're not entitled to your feelings and I'm not implying you sound spoiled, but I am trying to say you might think about being grateful versus dwelling on what you DON'T like about this Valentine's Day, because to me, it sounds like an improvement from last year in the sense he got you something. I still stand by what I said about expectations though. Waiting by the phone for a first text is almost always a way to guarantee disappointment cause it doesn't often work out the way it does in our heads.

Like I said, I don't think he's an alcoholic.

I understand you saying there is lack of communication to be fair I agree there is but its mostly because he wont sit down and talk because he is always out and whenever I mention the fact that he goes out all the time so we can't talk he says I'm being selfish for expecting him to not socialise for me when its not that it would just be nice for him to sacrifice some time for our relationship. How would you go about asking him to give up some time to talk about us? I mean this in the kindest way I promise because I like you

Oh I wasn't implying that you think I'm spoilt haha I was explaining myself in my response not in my first post, thank you though I honestly needed someone to tell me this and I owe a certain somebody an apology about a certain Valentines card...I can see where I was wrong now and that is important to me so thank you

Oh no that was pointed mostly to the person who replied to my thread before you haha but I guess we need to talk the going out and us to solve whether our relationship will work.

Seriously thank you for reading and voicing your opinion I really needed it You're amazing!

[ThePiedPiper]

Hm. If that's the case, I would probably phrase it something like, "I know that we've talked about this in the past, but I feel like I haven't communicated what I want in the best way. I don't mean to come across as selfish because I do want you to go out and have fun. I want you to meet people and socialise and have a great time - that's what college is for! - but I also miss you! Since we don't see each other often, sometimes talking on Skype or our phone calls or even sitting down and talking over IM helps me feel connected to you until I can see you again. I don't want to stop you from going out, but what do you think about a date night for an hour or two a couple nights a week?" That's how I have approached issues like this in the past, and if they don't agree to it, then I've found it's a good lead in to asking, "well what do you think we should do? I want to come up with a plan that gives us both what we need. " Even if he's primarily been the one getting defensive, sometimes you can get a long way by taking all the blame/"you" out of your statements and focusing it on a goal that you want to achieve in a way that's shared and that makes both of you happier. I have sometimes found that rolling over and asking questions is a good way to approach an issue when the other person has the tendency to get defensive.