Teens Don't know if I can handle long distance anymore :(

[ladyshadow]

Okay well I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 20. He lives in Kentucky and I live in California. We have been dating for almost 8 months. The thing is I don't know if I can handle this anymore. We have been making plans to be together, but it involves me going to Kentucky. He can't move to California because it is an expensive state. We can't visit each other either because neither of us have a lot of money.

There are roadblocks for me when it comes to that plan though:
1. I don't have freedom and I don't turn 18 until september
2. I will have to be in college by August/September so waiting until I'm 18 won't work and my dad won't let me go to a college in another state. I did get accepted to one school in Kentucky, but my dad said no and he says that i'm too immature to handle being far away by myself and since he's the parent who makes more money he will be paying my tuition which means he has a say about my college options. So the only way I could go to a college in Kentucky is if I get a full ride scholarship to a school there, but I know I won't be getting any of those.

At first I was just going to wait until I was 18 then leave, but that didn't work out because my dad kept asking me about college and I never had an answer.

This has honestly been stressing me out from the start and I feel like I'm the one putting most of the effort. I know that he probably can't move to California, but he should at least try. Don't you think? I put in the work to try to get over there (for ex. retaking SATs so I have better scores to give to Kentucky schools to raise chances of receiving some sort of scholarship)

So what I'm most likely going to have to do is go to a Junior College for two years then then transfer to a school in Kentucky (by then I will be 19 turning 20), but I don't know if I can wait that long. It's hard enough not getting to be with him physically, but waiting another TWO YEARS?! I just don't know what to do anymore. It's been making me really stressed and then I end up getting tired. I kind of want to end it, but I love him to much to let him go.

[kayla_622]

First off, you need to do what is best for you and no one else. You are still very young. Are you sure you would be happy going to a college just so you are closer to your SO? This is a decision you need to really think about because it will effect your future.

I don't think you should pressure your SO into moving to California and he shouldn't pressure you into moving to Kentucky. You two haven't even met yet. I would work on that before even thinking about moving closer to my SO. Have you two thought about trying to do a meet in the middle for a few days? Maybe over the summer. That would give you both time to save up for a visit and to see if you both click IRL.

But other than that go to school, have fun and don't worry about closing the distance right now. Maybe in a few years you and your SO will both be stable enough financially to close the distance then but, to me it seems like you two aren't ready right now. LDR's take a lot of work and making a move like this takes some planning and saving but that doesn't mean you should break up just because you can't do it now. Think about making meet ups happen before you think about moving closer to him or him moving closer to you.

[ThePiedPiper]

I don't always like to agree with the reigning parent, but you both seem a bit immature to be asking the other to move state and forget about college at the age of 17. It's also something to consider when out-of-state tuition is a lot higher than in state tuition. I am assuming you'll be going on to grad school. If you went to a UC, and took out loans for your entire undergrad, you'll have $60,000 in loans simply to get a Bachelor's degree, and that's if you live at home while going to school and don't have a meal plan and not including books. I know that right now it seems like your father is the asshole keeping you from your boyfriend, but I can also see why he doesn't want to pay out of state tuition (since it almost doubles) and having had a grandfather who paid her undergrad tuition as well, I can tell you you're going to appreciate it when debt isn't something you have to worry about when you graduate or that limits your chances of grad schools. I could not do what I want to do if I had a whole lot of undergrad debt following me around on top of what loans I'll need to take out. As much as I hate to say it, 8 months without having met him at all is not a long enough relationship to drop out of school for a while and move to. I honestly feel that you would regret that decision, especially given what it would do to your family.

Furthermore, you say you don't have the money to VISIT one another. How are you going to come up with the money to MOVE to each other? Moving is a hell of a lot more expensive than a visit and if he can't afford to come visit you or to pay you to come visit, there's no way you're getting help from him when it comes to the cost of living. Moving to and living in Kentucky with only a high school education and no parental or familial support will be a lot worse than trying to afford a vacation to California. Honestly, at this point, I'm going to side with your father and suggest that you and your SO start saving for him to visit and come to California. Postpone the idea of moving for now and work on figuring out a plan to at least meet face to face. You're too young and 8 months is too soon to drop out of college and run off with who you think is Prince Charming without any way to support yourselves when you can't even support your visits. I don't mean to be harsh, but you will damage family ties, postpone your education, possibly break-up from the stress of everything or from not having met before you moved, etc. before you've even really had a chance to determine whether or not this relationship is lasting material...

[ladyshadow]

i forgot to mention that my dad doesn't know about my boyfriend, but my mom does. If I go to 4-year Cali university I will be an undergrad, but I might just go to Junior College anyways.

[prinzeza87]

i feel u on this because we cant close distance either for major things for both of us and it frustrates us that we have no choice but to wait... i have got to a point to think that i cant do it anymore, but i n him cant simply give up...
so all i can tell u is that dont give up on him and the relationship, if its meant to happen it will happen no matter what or how long it takes big hugs to u

[dem&ter]

Before thinking about moving together why don't you just try to set a visit at first? Long distance relationship needs a lot of effort to do and yes it's never gonna be easy. You're still 18 though, it doesn't mean I judge you for making an immature decision, but let's try to see this, you're having many chances for your life are you really sure to put some of them down because of your love? if the answer is YES, then you need a serious talk with your LD boyfriend. It's always about take and give and you can't be the only one person to give everything in for him.

Second is, please don't make this issue impact your whole daily basis life, still live in your life, you can plan anything for your future and it's okay if it's always including you and your SO being together, but still enjoy your present time, time with friends, school, and family.

For me, personally, you still need to go to the college, maybe it doesn't sound so fair for your relationship but your family seems right. The reason is so simple, your family will always be in your side no matter what would happen, they always support you and they have... Moving in to another state with a new person, you don't even know very well, that's too risky. Many things can happen, really... (Been there-done that).

Good luck!

[Sora1101]

I was in the exact same position. When I graduated from high school I had planned to move directly to my SO in NY and start school there after a year. Well my parents kept hounding me about college and I had no answers for them. So my mom dragged me to the college for my placement test and what do ya know I scored so high on the exam that I won a full ride scholarship. As someone who wasn't planning on going to college here I was now trapped by free schooling and here I am, stuck in my state for another year and a half and even then I don't know if my parents will like the fact that I'll be moving with only a 2 year degree. But ya know what? I'll be 20 by then and I can do whatever I want.

When you turn 18 you have a choice. Move to your SO despite what your dad says and go to school in Kentucky using school loans and financial aid racking up piles of debt, or stay there for free schooling. It's your choice. But I'd like to add you're gonna have a hell of a time paying off school and living expenses on a minimum wage job. If you can't afford to visit how are you going to afford living together? As someone who thought 2 years more of LD half a year ago would be totally impossible it really hasn't seemed that long at all, time really flies when you're in college.

[Hilawee]

well, i agree with kayla..
Dont sacrifice your education for him, im 17 too and i live really far away from my SO. I wanted to get into a us college but i know its really expensive and hard..
so right now we are saving for our first visit, i have to wait till im 18 to work but im already saving and hes coming to meet me! From that visit he would decide if he likes my country and is able to move here, but if he dont weŽll just have to wait till i graduate.
Let me tell you something, if you really love him, dont give up, my SO and i have had rough moments when we couldnt handle it anymore..
but we love so much that we are willing to make an effort and wait..
My family doesnt know about him either, and they are really overprotective =/
The idea of meeting in the middle is good, its lest expensive and summer will be a great time..
Just think about all your options..
it may seem theres not solution but if you organize your thoughts you may come up with a nice plan!!
Good luck and i hope you guys can stay together!!

[ladyshadow]

Thanks for all the replies to this. It's really helped me, but how do I explain this to my boyfriend? I know he is really hoping that I'll be over there this year and telling him that he will have to wait will really make him sad. So how do I explain this to him so he understands?

[barret95]

He should understand if you explain everything to him, he'll realize that you need a lot of money to move to another place.
Always, Always put education First. Set your life out and your career first. Without education you can't live the life you want.

[kacie]

Does he work, can he save up to visit you, while you are at college? Visits will make the 2 years easier, and after you'll be in a better position to get a job to be able to afford to visit him and move

[dragonlady]

if he loves you he will wait!! if you love another you want the best in the world for them, and waiting a few years havent hurt anyone yet!
your still young, i just met the love of my life and i am 34 now so you got plenty off years to come those 2 years will be over before you know it!

[Black_Halloween]

If he loves you, he'll wait and make it work! Please do not sacrifice your education for your boyfriend. I did that once with a CDR....I ended up failing every class because my ex boyfriend was more important. Focus on your future first!