Teens Depressed suicidal friend?

[Maximum212]

My friend is depressed. I'm just not sure what to do since we're in such long distance. She always seems to feel so alone. She had 2 best friends, me who is still currently her best friend, and another boy who is now her boyfriend. Yet she still says that she feels very alone. For example, we were talking today, and this is one of the things she's said: "In life. I don't want to be alone. All alone, I want someone. But... In life. I want to be alone, and have no one." This confused me a bit, and I learned that she truly is depressed and she has been feeling alone. She does self harm herself, I've seen a picture of slits going across her arm.
I'm just not sure what to do here. I've been trying to convince her to stop cutting, but it isn't working. Since I'm so far away, it's like I'm not doing enough. I do seem to be keeping her alive, yet I don't want her to feel this way. I don't want her to feel so alone, and I don't want her to self harm. But what can I do? We're in different states. My family is pretty much completely against the idea of anything long distance, and made me stop talking to my long distance friends, yet she's one of the 3 I still can't leave.
I really do care for this girl, and I let her know, and try to show her. I've told her about how gorgeous she is and that she shouldn't mess up her skin with scars. I know that self harm is a form of emotion release, and I know that it brings some form of relief. However, I'd rather she not cause relief in that way. Another part of our conversation today:

Her:I would love for you to see inside my head, and feel what I feel for a day. I wonder if you'd be scared, or feel at home. Since we seem to share, a lot of the same feelings, and think alike for same scenes in our lives.

Me:It would be an interesting thing to feel. I'd be happy to try it. I might get scared at the bloody parts though. You know I'm not violent, or one for horror..

Her:There's a lot of violence. But mostly, just with myself.

Me: If I could feel what you feel, I would probably use that opportunity to weigh your feelings down with mine. Your thoughts of self harm would go against mine of self love, at least for your body. I'd let you know how gorgeous you are, and I'd try my hardest to get you to keep your lovely body as gorgeous as it is, without scars. At least, without anymore scars.

Her: See, moments like this, make me wish I lived in NY and I could see you everyday, and just have SOMEONE there. I'm more than sure, I wouldn't want to be completely alone, if we lived near.

It bothers me to the point of losing sleep that she feels alone, and even seems to want this feeling. It bothers me to know that she cuts. It truly hurts me to know that she's suicidal. I'm just not sure what to do about this. I feel like between me and her boyfriend, we should have been able to stop this feeling, or at the least numb it. Yet she still feels it even with us here. We're the cause of her happiness and also the cause of her pain. She has low self esteem of sorts, she doesn't think she's good enough for her boyfriend, and that he deserves better. We seem to be like over the counter medicine. A temporary fix to a problem that just won't seem to go away. Please, any advice or even encouragement would be welcome. Thank you so much..

[blankita719]

Not a teen, but you need advice. Keep talking to her. And if you have a way to contact her parents, you need to do so as well so they can try and get her some help with talking to someone about these feelings and actions. She might be angry with you, but in the end, her health is more important than her rage. One person can not take on the sole responsibility of trying to make another person happy. You and her boyfriend shouldn't be doing this alone because it won't work. She needs serious help.

[barret95]

as the above , find a way to tell her parents.
what i did with my girlfriend, I wrote a letter to her parents explaining everything about Her depression and past with her ex.
but be warned, if you talk with her parents...they might feel the need that it's not your business anymore and prevent you from talking to her.

but yeh, somehow she seriously needs to go to the Doctor and refer to a clinical counselor or someone who's trained in depression and everything. she'll get worse and worse if something doesn't happen soon.

[Maximum212]

Her parents seem to know. She's been to a psychologist already. However it doesn't seem to be doing much. In her own words, she said her mom didn't understand that she wouldn't tell a psychologist anything. It seems as if me and her boyfriend are a source of therapy for her, or relief. She sometimes goes to the emergency room, yet she usually doesn't tell me what for, however I know they're checking up on her, with her cutting and what not. Through all of these things and me and her boyfriend, she still feels this way..

[Kristin91]

Try to get in contact with her parents... if you can't do that, try to get her to go see someone and get help. It doesn't have to be a therapist, it could be a priest, a teacher, or someone else that she trusts... I had a friend who confided in me very similar thoughts and actions and I ended up going to her parents about it. You could even try to get her to call 1-800-SUICIDE, it's a free, anonymous hotline for people dealing with these things. You could even call and ask how to help your friend.

[SonyaKitty]

DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE HER. Ever. She's hanging on to life by a thread, and your the thread. Trust me, I know, I'm in her place but I can't cut due to bf and he kinda got me scared of the pain. It's a hopeless kinda feeling, you feel like all the suffering will never end, and, if that's the case, why go on? Why live just so you can be in pain your whole life. It takes a lot to see some hope, she needs to be loved, she needs proof that she's loved, and she needs the person who loves her to stick around and make her believe it.

[ThePiedPiper]

DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE HER. Ever. She's hanging on to life by a thread, and your the thread. Trust me, I know, I'm in her place but I can't cut due to bf and he kinda got me scared of the pain. It's a hopeless kinda feeling, you feel like all the suffering will never end, and, if that's the case, why go on? Why live just so you can be in pain your whole life. It takes a lot to see some hope, she needs to be loved, she needs proof that she's loved, and she needs the person who loves her to stick around and make her believe it.

All I will say is it's incredibly unfair to ask of that of someone. I say that as having been in her (and I suppose yours, too) position. I depended so much on someone that I suffocated him and made him feel like there was no possible way he could carry my burdens, and his, any further. But had I committed suicide, or had he left (and we did part ways in a dramatic and climatic turn of events), it would in no way have been his fault, because as much as we like to think that x or y is our thread, our reason for hanging on to life, in hindsight, you realise that the only person controlling that thread and holding on was you. Suicide and depression have absolutely nothing to do with the outside world (as far as how we get through it), as much as it feels like it when you're going through it, but in the end, it's either we hold on or we don't but we are responsible for ourselves and no one else. That does not mean that we cannot rely on people or that they cannot rely on us, but it's exhausting being the one who is constantly burdened with the responsibility of feeling like you're keeping someone else alive, and once you pick apart that responsibility, that's really only an excuse, because inside of the person who's saying "you're my thread" is someone who truly wants to live, they just need to figure out why. But in no way is it fair to say to the OPer that he is her thread. He is a significant factor in her life, yes, and who knows, he might even be holding her back, but in the end, she is not his responsibility and never will be. What decisions she makes are hers to make and hers alone and it is never fair to put someone in the position of feeling like if they start to take care of themselves, then the other person will snap and that will be it.

[Sora1101]

DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE HER. Ever. She's hanging on to life by a thread, and your the thread. Trust me, I know, I'm in her place but I can't cut due to bf and he kinda got me scared of the pain. It's a hopeless kinda feeling, you feel like all the suffering will never end, and, if that's the case, why go on? Why live just so you can be in pain your whole life. It takes a lot to see some hope, she needs to be loved, she needs proof that she's loved, and she needs the person who loves her to stick around and make her believe it.

To echo what Piper said, that's really unfair. I've been suicidal and depressed but how would you feel if you dragged someone down with you like that? Everyone has their own problems, to add another persons problems and their fate to your own shoulders is crippling. The best thing would be to get this person some professional help, someone who is trained to deal with these burdens not force it onto someone just because they might be the lifeline. By all means he should be there and be a friend, someone to lean on if needed but he shouldn't have to be the glue holding her together.

[SonyaKitty]

Yes it is unfair, but think of what will happen if he leaves, if she's depending on him and trusting him so much him leaving would push her over the edge. I've been there but I have trust issues, I wouldn't have dared to tell anyone. I don't think she should have depended on him, rather she should have on someone who went though it and knows how to get her out of it, I've helped a girl with feeling suicidal because I know what's going on with her. I don't want this girl to turn into me, I dealt with it myself and for me that meant just putting it to the side and going on, Ben's the one that after years of it finally got rid of the feeling. I dunno what's wrong with her, but with depression to this extent many times you feel that no one cares, she's relying on him cause he's proving her wrong.

[ThePiedPiper]

Yes it is unfair, but think of what will happen if he leaves, if she's depending on him and trusting him so much him leaving would push her over the edge. I've been there but I have trust issues, I wouldn't have dared to tell anyone. I don't think she should have depended on him, rather she should have on someone who went though it and knows how to get her out of it, I've helped a girl with feeling suicidal because I know what's going on with her. I don't want this girl to turn into me, I dealt with it myself and for me that meant just putting it to the side and going on, Ben's the one that after years of it finally got rid of the feeling. I dunno what's wrong with her, but with depression to this extent many times you feel that no one cares, she's relying on him cause he's proving her wrong.

The thing is, you don't help the truly suicidal. Only they help themselves. A lot of the time, people say they're suicidal to test the limits of how much someone cares. Some people even fall into a vicious cycle of it. However, if they are truly suicidal, as in they have a plan and they are intent on following through, then that's oftentimes something only professional help can handle and that's a point that only the person in question can get themselves out of. *shrug* Being an empathetic shoulder only does so much if someone is truly and seriously struggling and at the danger point. Sometimes even being in a relationship is not enough to keep someone seriously suicidal from attempting it. Still, you can't trap someone into a relationship because you "depend on them." You just can't. And in no way would it be the OPer's fault whether you think so or not. Suicide, if it happens, was inevitable, because there was a lot more going on than just a relationship. If it wasn't him leaving that sent her over the edge, it would, quite frankly, be something else while they were involved with one another. People who are struggling with suicide, at the point that they are literally hanging on to one person that they would kill themselves without, should see someone who is trained to deal with it, because I can absolutely guarantee that someone who would kill themselves if the OPer left will kill themselves at some point down the line whether he leaves or doesn't. Talking about suicide is a far cry from doing it, still very worthy of help, still very deserving of having a shoulder to lean on, still likely to benefit from professional help, and still the victim's responsibility, but someone who is at "the point of no return," to be crude... If they are committed to killing themselves, the people who have stopped giving signs because they don't want to be stopped, they don't have any faith anymore, etc., they will find a way to do it even under the nose of the last person in their life. It's sad, it's horrible, and I wish society listened, but suicide will never fall on the shoulders of anyone but the person who committed it and a societal stigma that, through ignorance and silence, continues to allow it.

[SonyaKitty]

I'm not saying it's his fault, and she might be depending on someone else if he wasn't around, I'm just saying he's helping her from jumping over the edge, and if she can trust a professional with all of this she should, but most people like this that I know or knew dont trust therapists with all their feelings.

[Kiyama]

I'm not saying it's his fault, and she might be depending on someone else if he wasn't around, I'm just saying he's helping her from jumping over the edge, and if she can trust a professional with all of this she should, but most people like this that I know or knew dont trust therapists with all their feelings.

Yeah but a partner can't fill that role without ending up being an emotional mess. And yes, I've been there. And if you want or save your own emotional sanity and health you need to distance yourself from it. There is no good in two lives being destroyed and it definitely won't help the other person and rather cause more guilt.

[Sanja]

Be there for her and offer your support as much as you can. Having been through some difficult times myself, having a friend to talk to means a world. I hope she pulls through, but is sounds like she needs professional help.

[ThePiedPiper]

Yeah but a partner can't fill that role without ending up being an emotional mess. And yes, I've been there. And if you want or save your own emotional sanity and health you need to distance yourself from it. There is no good in two lives being destroyed and it definitely won't help the other person and rather cause more guilt.

This.

I also want to add that I didn't truly want the help until I got away from the person I was depending on. I depended on him to the point it was unhealthy, to the point I didn't know where I ended and he began. I not only exhausted him and helped contribute to the destruction of our friendship, but I was holding myself back from getting better because I relied on him to provide me with temporary solutions (reassurance, love, a listening ear, etc.). When we split, it was either get serious about professional help or kill myself (he was the reason I was in professional help to begin with and got me to tell her about my suicidal ideation, but I was not working as hard as I could have been working). When I was faced with either killing myself or getting better, I realised how much I didn't want to die. Not just yet. I found a therapist I clicked with, which took me going through a few, and I committed myself to getting better. It's hard. It's not easy. But I got better.