Teens The negative is taking over the positive...

[janina]

So me and my SO are soon celebrating our 2 month anniversary, and that's great! but all we ever do is fight it really started after we made it official about our relationship, and we became gf/bf. The fights are very much unnecessary, and kind of small.. but still it is very very tiring and I just dont know how long i can take it anymore. I love him like crazy but I don't know if I have the strength to stay in this anymore :'(
There are so many other things that just bother me about our relationship, and things he does and says.. like for example a week ago, or so, we were in a normal loving conversation, and I tell him ''You don't have to show me you love me, you know, because I know you do'', hoping he would disagree with me and want to show me how much he loves me every day, instead he goes ''are you sure love? because I really dont know how to.'' :'( I mean who says that???
And then when we are having a fight, and I've said something that pisses him off a little bit, he will just explode completely on me and just get so furious, send really mean messages and like I am the only fault to this relationship, and our problems it's like he gets to point out my faults and the problems he has with me, but whenever I point out something that bothers me, like that he doesn't spend as much time on us, or that he can spend days playing computer games instead of skyping with me, or even messaging me...

It just feels very wrong and I dont know what to do I've talked to him about it a couple times but he is a teenage guy (17) so he isn't very mature, obviously, so talking isn't exactly working

Any advice or opinions are very much appreciated! I love him to death and don't want this relationship to end because we're amazing once we are good, but the bad times are so so rough!

Ps. sorry for the extremely log text! and thank you if you read through it all x)

[melarie]

If you're fighting this bad after only 2 months, that's not a good sign. If you fight this much now, imagine how it will be in a couple years or so. The fact that he's not open to a little criticism that's going to help the relationship is also a bad sign. My boyfriend and I are both 18, and both of us are pretty good about listening when there's a problem. You should be able to tell your partner when you're unhappy with something in the relationship, and they should listen and consider it. If one of you can't do that, things will never get better. Not everything should turn into a fight, you should be able to discuss things and have a conversation about what needs to change without any harsh words or anger. I've never with my SO going on 11 months, and we've never had a real fight. We've had a few disagreements, but the worst it's ever been is like, a heated discussion and cold shoulders.

What all that tells me, is he's not as concerned as he should be about the state of your relationship. You should try bringing it to his attention that there is a problem, and if it doesn't get fixed, that's not ok with you. Tell him he has to try to be less sensitive to your complaints, and that maybe when he's playing video games, he could take breaks every now and then to talk to you for a few minutes, or take an hour to skype with you. If he doesn't listen, doesn't care, or if it doesn't get better soon, you need to seriously weigh the bad against the good. Is all the fighting and unhappiness so early in the relationship worth being with him?

[ThePiedPiper]

Neither of you are very mature at this age. We've all done it, the whole "I'll say this because I want him/her to say that" game, but in the end, that's what it is: a game. If you want him to show you that he loves you, tell him, and if he isn't sure how, then come up with some ideas. Some people are natural feelers and romantics, and others are not. Some people are naturally affectionate and others are not. etc. That doesn't mean you can't both learn to navigate the relationship so neither one of you is feeling neglected, but you also can't expect him to read your bloody mind every time you want something. We learn as grow older and mature that communication really is a necessary part of relationships, and that means not acting in a certain way or saying certain things to elicit a specific response (that is, if we're not asking directly for it).

That said, I agree with the above post. If you're dealing with this many arguments and with someone who, as opposed to listening to you or trying to talk things out, instead ignores you and/or says mean things to you, it's likely only going to get worse. This is two months in, the honeymoon stage. What happens when this all dies down? You fight more? And no, fighting is not necessarily bad. It's a lesser known fact that the amount of fighting is not what makes or breaks a relationship or even what causes relationship satisfaction. There have been people who have been together for years and who are madly in love but who fight on a daily basis who last longer, have more passion between them, and generally have a healthier relationship than couples who don't fight at all. But a lot of it comes down to the way in which two people argue, and it sounds very much like your SO argues in a way that causes damage as opposed to helping the relationship. Have you talked to him directly? About how him saying those things during arguments makes you feel? Not saying "you say these things and I feel" but something like "I feel like we could both learn to communicate better when we argue. I love you and don't want to argue with me. Are you willing to tell me your needs and listen to mine?"

[lyonsgirl]

The thing with boys - teenage or not - if you say to them "you don't have to do this thing", they won't do it. They will not pick up on the "oh this means I should do it" hint you're trying to give him. Promise. If you want something, you have to tell him. If you're fighting about every single thing ever, like, "The sky is pretty" "No it's not." (and then fighting about whether or not the sky is pretty).... maybe this isn't a good relationship to be in.

If you're fighting about more serious topics like, when to talk or how you're feeling about the relationship, you two need to talk about it - calmly - and straight forward. No beating around the bush, no hoping that if you say one thing but mean the complete opposite he'll understand. Because, honey, he won't. I'm marrying my SO in 3 months and it's taken me the entire time we've been together (over 2.5 years) to figure out that I need to tell him outright when I'm having a problem. He will not be able to help resolve the problem if you say nothing is wrong when you're actually really upset about something.

And, he's 17. You're 16. Give yourself some wiggle room. Don't jump down his throat at everything he says. If he does it to you after you have stopped, he's not worth your time. Promise.



ETA: Piper! Stop following me around and then beating me to all of the posts!