Teens Self confidence issues are tearing us apart

[Marleigh-Nicole]

So there's a few issues with the both of us on this one.
We've both experienced severe bullying throughout our lives. Me when I was in primary school and him more recently. So neither of us really have much confidence within ourselves.
The real problem comes when my boyfriend, Connor who is 17 (almost 18) gets in to these states where he cant see any good in himself. He believes he's a complete waste and although I will sit for hours on end telling him all the amazing things about himself and how much I truly love him.. He refuses to believe any of it and it's pushing us apart. We've literally only just got past a few other problems and now we're going back to losing each other. Also when he wont believe me it makes me feel like im not good enough to make him happy. Is there anyway I can help him with his self confidence? Help him see that he really is amazing and im not lying?
Then there's my body confidence.. we're planning on meeting in December after both of our birthdays and he's like to take it.. one step further. Im really uncomfortable with being naked in front of him even though I know he loves my body. I do want to be with him in that way but im really scared and unsure on how to deal with it. Help?

[Brieasaurus]

Sometimes you can't help other people realize things, they just mature out of the whole "I'm not good at anything" phase. Some people never do. You guys have only been dating for a couple months and are already dealing with what sounds like problem after problem, is this really what you want? I've been dating my SO since I was 15, and sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on so much. He is totally worth it though, it's just not something I would ever recommend to someone else.

As for the whole having sex thing, if you guys make it to December, I guess nothing will stop you. Just think long and hard about that decision.

[alittlemind]

To be honest, this reminds me a lot of my first relationship. And that is not a good thing. I, too, used to sit for hours on the phone with my ex, trying to convince him to stop thinking so poorly of himself. Of course, my efforts were ignored or I was left insulted. Eventually, this started to make me feel horrible about myself, and I did things that I am not proud of. It took me much longer than it should have to realize this was not a healthy relationship to continue. The more I think about it, the more your relationship reminds me of that past relationship. That's really not a good thing. Unfortunately, it is not your job nor is it possible for you to make him realize anything. If he's anything like my ex, which it sounds like he is, he's not going to change because someone else told him to. That relationship with him was not only manipulative, emotionally abusive, but also became physically abusive. But still, I was convinced that I loved him. And that he loved me. However, I was completely misinformed. I was young, naive, and completely oblivious to how toxic this was. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case with your relationship, don't get me wrong, but I'm just telling you my own experiences. If I learned anything from that relationship, it is that you need to be able to love yourself, before you can love someone else. I pushed all the hateful things that he every said to me to the back of my mind, started to love myself, and broke up with him. It was the best decision I ever made in that entire relationship.

I have learned to really appreciate who I am. I am still healing, and my boyfriend has been ever so patient with me, but now I feel what love is. I feel it from myself, towards myself, from my SO, and towards my SO. I know it can sound a little conceited, but my SO and I love each other, but we also love ourselves, and through that we are stronger people. We know what is right for us, and what we deserve. Although my SO didn't go through the exact same situation as I did, he did go through a not-so-nice relationship with his ex, where afterwards he needed to learn to love himself again. You have got to be proud of who you are, and know who you are, in order to share that with another person. That is my honest opinion.

As for the meeting in December, do not do anything you are not comfortable with. Do not let him force you to do anything you don't want to do. If he really does care about you, he will understand, and he will not push you. Think about why you are really doing this. Do not do it because you want to make him happy. This is your body. It has nothing to do with him. If you don't feel comfortable with it, don't do it. Don't anyone convince you otherwise.

Anyway, that is my long serious post. I wish you the best of luck, and if you have any questions at all or need some help, feel free to PM me.

[Zephii]

Sometimes the only person to help you is yourself. When he starts trash talking himself, tell him firmly that he knows you don't share his opinion, and that you refuse to listen to it. Let him know that the only one who can raise his value in the world is himself - we all make ourselves! so if he doesn't like who he is, it is up to him to do something about that. He's going to destroy more in his life than just this relationship if he doesn't get a grip over this stuff. Be blunt with him.

I know that's not very sensitive of me, but it's the bloody truth. It's not doing him any good to let him seek attention via putting himself down. And though lots of chicks want to nurture their guys, want to fix them, the fact is you can't. You can't change a person, you can't heal them, you can't make them see something they don't want to see.

I know what bullying is like. I was bullied all the way through school, from kindy until when I dropped out because I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't finish high school until I was 21, because I went back later to complete it as an adult, and even then some of the kids thought they could put me down until I set them straight. School can be hell. But you can't let it destroy your life.

As for body confidence, don't give into the pressure to nt think you're good enough. It saddens me no end how young girls - even kids now - are so down on their bodies. Your body is awesome. And he doesn't see your cellulite or that bit of belly that jiggles in the wrong way. He sees HOLY CRAP NAKED CHICK!! BOOBIES! (Even if they are pebbles on a run way like mine.) Seriously. Don't even worry about it. He's the last person that's going to judge your body, so love yourself for what you've got. Your body is healthy, and growing and young and fantastic and gets you around. You know what's hot? Confidence. So you rock that shit. Lie to yourself until you believe it

[rubydissolution]

Much like you I was bullied throughout elementary school. I can tell you from personal experience that those scars don't go away easily. I still suffer from terrible self confidence issues. I think for those of us who experienced bullying at a young age, it just sticks with us because those are our first impressions on how others see us. Through school in general I think we pay more attention to all of that then we should. I wish I could say we grow out of it, but its almost ingrained. Then again, life after high school is much different. There really aren't cliches and "the popular" kids anymore. You have your friends and family, and you can feed off their positivity. Honestly I always found it hard to take compliments from my family too thinking "they have to say those things they are my family". But your friends, they don't have to hang out with you, they don't have to pay you compliments, they do it because they love you and see how great a person you are. Just keep that in mind ^^

Here's what I've learned in my 3 decades of living. Not everyone sees us based on our appearance. When you let your personality shine through it makes all the difference. Someone who gets to know you, will see you as beautiful no matter what you or others think of you. The second thing I've learned is everyones perception of beauty is different. Even if we don't think we are beautiful, (whether that is naked, clothed, dressed up etc) chances are there are plenty of people who think we are. So don't be afraid of the nakedness with your SO. He will just see the girl he loves.

It's really really hard to take compliments when you've been kicked and pushed down to the very bottom for a long time. It takes a very long time to be able to accept the smallest compliments. You have to take baby steps. For my SO and I its been changing, "You are beautiful" to "I think you are beautiful". Its easier to believe one person thinks that positive thing about you, rather then the generic statement. It doesn't sound like much but it does help. I believe that somewhere deep down in his twisted head he thinks i'm sexy and beautiful, even if I don't think it about myself.

Sorry if I rambled...

[Marleigh-Nicole]

Thanks Zephii, that's really helped. I guess I'll just have to put my foot down for a change. I'm always so scared of making him feel worse because obviously that's the last thing anybody wants to do to the person they love but maybe in this case it will help.
As for comparing this to two completely different peoples different relationship.. You can't compare relationship because people are different. I'm sorry for what you went through but if this doesn't work out, it's for me to find out. He would never turn violent towards me (I know everyone says that but he really won't. He isn't capable) .