Teens Partying and Drinking

[St louis guy]

My girlfriend and I are Juniors in highschool. Before we met, her sophomore year, she used to go to a lot of parties and hook up with guys, she also got drunk a few times. I hate parties, and drinking. Parties make me uncomfortable, I don't like the atmosphere. She used to tell me that she secretly hated parties too, and that she likes that I'm a straight edge and that I don't party or drink. However, lately she has been telling me that she likes to party, and wants to party and drink. I'm not okay with that. I told her that I'm not ok with her going to parties and drinking. I'm afraid that something my happen, she might get drunk and start dancing and grinding on guys or cheat on me or something. I've seen her party before, and the idea of her doing that stuff while I'm not there scares me. I've asked her if shed rather me be the guy that goes out and parties and gets drunk too, and she said no, she doesn't want to date that kind of person. But how is that fair to me, because I don't want to date that kind of person either. I love this girl, I really do, and when we are together it's perfect. But how can she say that she doesn't want to date someone that parties and drinks but wants to do it herself. She used to ask if I was ok with it and I was afraid of her breaking up with me so I said I was, but it was obvious that I wasn't, she knows my stance on partying and drinking. I'm afraid she misses her old life of hooking up. It makes me feel like I'm not enough for her. If she were to start going to parties and getting drunk, I don't know if I could stay with her, and she knows that, so she doesn't go to parties. There was a time when she said that I was changing for her and becoming dependent, so I became independent and I took my stance that I didn't want her to party. I just feel like people in relationships shouldn't party alone. People go to parties to get drunk and be risque and hook up, and I'm not ok with her doing any of that. I asked her what she would do if she went to a party and got drunk and she said "you just screw around and have fun" but what does that mean. Does anyone have any advice? Am I being Irrational? This is the one thing that divides of considerably.

[lyonsgirl]

I like partying. And, I am legally allowed to get drunk. My SO doesn't like partying. Or getting drunk. (Though I, once again, feel as though I should mention he is legally able to.)

That didn't stop us from dating. I've gone to bars without him before. The biggest reason I enjoy parties and he doesn't? I'm very much an extrovert. I crave being around people - and before I make decisions I have to talk it through with at least 3 people. My SO, however, is very much an introvert. It's not that he doesn't like people, it's that being around people drains him. He "refuels" by playing video games or watching TV. I "refuel" by talking to people.

I'm not saying that explains away her behavior, however, all my visits to the bar without my SO, I never even considered cheating on him. It just wasn't an option. Talk to her about that. Voice your concerns, but the fact is you simply cannot control what she does. And honestly? If you try to, she will probably end up breaking up with you.

[lucybelle]

Look, you guys are young. I think it's less about the partying/drinking and more about how she's just doesn't need to be in a relationship. If she is hooking up responsibly (aka using protection, being with safe partners, in safe places, etc) and not drinking and driving, then I'm okay with that. She doesn't want to be bogged down by a relationship, that's okay. Your teens is a time to go out and party hard and make stupid mistakes and have lots of good stories later. If you don't like to party, that's fine too. But neither of you will be happy in this relationship.

With that being said, as an adult I go out all the time without my husband. And he goes out without me. I never once think that he'll do something inappropriate because we are committed to each other. Just because you're at a party or bar and are drinking doesn't make you a cheater. I get drunk a lot, and never once have I cheated.

[lyonsgirl]

LB makes loads of excellent points. I admit I am a bit of a prude when it comes to underage drinking.

[St louis guy]

Are you suggesting she should hook up with other guys? Because thats not where this was going. We are in a relationship that we both want to be in. We are happy. She wants to go to parties but she doesn't want to hook up with guys.

[RachelAnne]

^ If you're saying she wants to party but isn't interested in hooking up with other guys, then you just need to trust her. I agree with what lyonsgirl said--you can't control what she does. Definitely talk to her about it and be honest about what bothers you, but I think it's okay for her to go out to parties (not excessively), but ya'll are both in high school and it's a time to have fun. If she hasn't given you any reason to not trust her now, and she's told you that she isn't interested in hooking up with guys at parties, then you just need to trust her But, I think you should chat with her about it and be honest with what bothers you and listen to what she has to say about it

[lucybelle]

You said "people go to parties to get drunk, risqué and hook up" so I assumed that's what she's doing. If she's just going to parties to go there shouldn't be a problem. It seems either you have a very skewed perception of parties or you don't trust her.

[Black_Halloween]

Have you ever thought that she might not be the right girl for you? I'm 23, I don't drink or go to wild parties (never have either not even in my teens, I think its a waste of time). My SO doesn't do that stuff either. In my opinion, it just works out better that way. I know straight edge, I used to be edge, and those kinds of people have -very- opinionated views on drugs/alcohol. Dating somebody who does that stuff is going to cause a lot of intense friction. Its like a Christian dating a pagan....it seldom works out.

I understand how you feel about drugs/alcohol. Its not a common view to hate that stuff and i'm sure people are gonna tell you to grow up and get over it. Don't listen to those people, you're making the right choice. Feel free to private message me if you need somebody to talk to further about this.

[rubydissolution]

You are being extremely unfair to her. You are juniors in high school, this (and college) is the time you live your life. Exactly what has she ever done to make you distrust her? Because you are pretty much saying "if she goes to a party and drinks shes going to cheat on me". Where is that written? You can go to a party, drink, have a good time, and not cheat on your SO. I used to do it all the time. You don't have to tote your SO with you to parties either. Especially if your SO doesn't like the party scene. Back off, let her do as she pleases, it will wear off.

Something I didn't see anyone else mention was peer pressure. You mentioned that she said she didn't like to party. She either said that to please you, or it's actually true. If it's true, it's possible she wants to go to these parties to stay in good with her crowd of friends or get in good with a new group of people. It's high school, being popular is important to some people. When your friends call you to go to a party you don't say no. You go have a good time. Otherwise you get labeled at prude, and your friends stop calling. You are the odd man out when they talk about the party, and eventually it leads to losing friends. I know I know true friends aren't like that, but that's not the case when you are a teen. You lose a friend it feels like the world is over.

All I have left is, trust her, let her be a reckless teenager, and lighten up. Just because you don't enjoy it doesn't mean she doesn't. As long as she's being safe about it (meaning no Driving while drunk) let her experiment. I don't know a lot of people who didn't engage in underage drinking at some point in their lives. It actually helps get it out of your system early...bc once you turn 21 you've done your partying.

[lyonsgirl]

To the OP: No, I'm not suggesting at all that she hook up with other guys. She can go to parties and not cheat on you - it is quite possible.

Have you ever thought that she might not be the right girl for you? I'm 23, I don't drink or go to wild parties (never have either not even in my teens, I think its a waste of time). My SO doesn't do that stuff either. In my opinion, it just works out better that way. I know straight edge, I used to be edge, and those kinds of people have -very- opinionated views on drugs/alcohol. Dating somebody who does that stuff is going to cause a lot of intense friction. Its like a Christian dating a pagan....it seldom works out.

BH, while I understand your point, I have to disagree with you. Granted, I'm not into drugs, but during college I went to parties & had "wild times" at bars and rather enjoyed myself. My SO did not do that in college. He didn't want to, because he didn't see the point, and I think we've worked out pretty okay. As long as the people within the relationship discuss their feelings, and I dunno, maybe discuss boundaries, I don't see any reason why a "partier" and a "non-partier" can't have a happy and loving relationship.

[Black_Halloween]

To the OP: No, I'm not suggesting at all that she hook up with other guys. She can go to parties and not cheat on you - it is quite possible.



BH, while I understand your point, I have to disagree with you. Granted, I'm not into drugs, but during college I went to parties & had "wild times" at bars and rather enjoyed myself. My SO did not do that in college. He didn't want to, because he didn't see the point, and I think we've worked out pretty okay. As long as the people within the relationship discuss their feelings, and I dunno, maybe discuss boundaries, I don't see any reason why a "partier" and a "non-partier" can't have a happy and loving relationship.

I never said it won't ever workout, it said that it seldom does.

[lucybelle]

I agree with lyons. My SO was a HUGE partier. Man the freaking stories he tells, I can hardly believe he's alive today. I partied in college, but not nearly to the extent he did. We mostly go out to bars together now, but he still goes out more than I do. Which I'm perfectly okay with. I know he's calmed down a lot since I met him, but I would never expect him to stop going out all together.

Although let me add- I don't think I could ever be with someone who doesn't drink. I dated a guy once who didn't drink and I just felt like an alcoholic all the time. My SO and I drink at least one beer together every day. We love beer! And I love him because he loves beer! And he loves me because I love beer!

[lyonsgirl]

I never said it won't ever workout, it said that it seldom does.

I understand. However, I still disagree. Personally, I know more couples that disagree on this particular topic that have worked out than haven't. Just my $0.02. Please understand that I don't think you are entirely incorrect. I believe that if you are a certain way, you tend to know more people that are similar in that respect. Whatever that "certain way" may be. Like, I'm in the construction industry. So I know a heckuvalotta engineers/construction workers/etc. I'm a Christian, so I know a heckuvalotta Christians. Just depends on your circles, I guess.

[Jessielovesunicornns]

Hello there

Personally, Your girl sounds alot like me. I like to party and when i was single i used to hook up with guys aswell. My LDR bf was totally against it , he on the other hand never likes to party. He goes a little overprotective on me when I go out. First he was too scared to tell me that it bothered him, so I didn't know. Finally he has told me and he wanted me to stop. I asked him if he trusted me, he said yes. Well when you have trust you don't have to be worried.. Just tell your girl how you feel and she'll understand. And if she really loved you, I doubt she would cheat. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, especially LDR ones. Well Goodluck and i hope that helped!

[jana89]

I understand that you are upset of her not being honest with you. You two should just talk seriously about your expectations. But as has been mentioned before, I donīt think that going to bar, partying and drinking must lead to cheating. As lucybelle, I do go to parties once a while, I talk to people (even guys), dance and have fun and then I go home alone. Nothing wrong on that. Being far from my SO, I canīt imagine that he would not want me to party when he isnīt present. But as I have said before, it is only issue of communication and trust.