Teens Honestly confused and need opinions!!

[Robynleighla]

Ok so here's what's up;

My boyfriend Michael and I have been together for just over 8 months now and I'm completely and utterly in love with him. He feels the exact same way for me. I love every little detail about his personality, except for one thing: he can be quite controlling. It's not suffocatingly controlling, but it's enough to worry about.

He's 18 and graduated high school and is leaving for boot camp very shortly, while I still have a year of high school left. After high school, I plan to go to a community college then transfer to med school. So that'll take around 6 years, maybe 8. It seems all nice and easy, but the problem is that he wants to start a family. Like asap. Not only that, but he wants me to move on base with him once he is transferred to a US Marine base, leaving my family, friends, and my whole life so I could live with him. If that doesn't sound bad enough, he also wants me to give up going to school so I can be a stay-at-home mom. I never agreed to have kids anytime soon, nor am I the type of person to want to be a stay at home mom (no offense to the moms out there, it's just not the position I'd like considering I want a med degree). It's even more confusing because he supports my decision, yet wants me to give it up?

It goes like this: some days he tells me I should give up everything and be a stay at home mom asap, some days he tells me he will support me through schooling and being a surgeon, then some days he tells me it takes sacrifice to have a family. This isn't really a sacrifice I want to make just yet, if anything.

This doesn't change the fact that I love him so much. Just to clarify, he is in no way sexist for him wanting to make the money and for me to stay home; he was raised in a family that taught him to be like this.

I just need opinions on what to do and how to go about this confusing matter. Breaking up isn't an option, but neither is doing everything he says willingly...

-Robyn

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

In the end it's your decision what you do, try not to let him pressure you into anything you don't want to do.

The part about him being supportive to me sounds like he may not like your decision to go to school and would prefer you stay home, but that he would support you if you did go to school. That's not a bad thing because it sounds like he is simply expressing his wants and feelings on the subject.

Have you two talked about what you two will do if you don't move on base with him? If not, maybe you should.

But it sounds like you two still have some time to figure out so you don't have to rush into anything that you don't want to.

[laurenandjames9]

You cannot give up your dream, because of his needs. You seem like you know exactly what you want, so fight for it. You can have your dream, and still be with him. You need to talk to him, and tell him exactly what you want. I am 17 too, and I wouldn't be able to make such a huge decision of leaving my family and friends behind. They are going to be there for you through all of this. You need to live life before you start thinking about kids and everything else. I can see why you think it is confusing as he is supporting your decision to go to med school, but also wanting you to give all of that up. I study Psychology at sixth form, and we have learnt that males want security, they want someone who will remain faithful to them. In this situation, by you agreeing to give up your dream to move to be with him, he would have that commitment. Maybe he is scared of losing you once you go off to college, so he want some reassurance. You really need to think this through yourself, because if you did give up everything for him, what if someone goes wrong between you two.

Lauren

[CynicalQuixotic]

This doesn't change the fact that I love him so much. Just to clarify, he is in no way sexist for him wanting to make the money and for me to stay home; he was raised in a family that taught him to be like this.

Uh, what? Of course that makes him sexist. How do you think people become sexist/racist/what have you?

You are 17 and you have your entire life ahead of you. Someone who truly loves you will not try to prevent you to do what you want to do with your life. On the contrary, they will support you. Please think really carefully about whether this guy is worth it--boys with these kind of opinions, if they don't get enlightened in their early 20s during university/college, usually get worse with age. What if you wanted him to stay at home with the kids while you worked as a doctor? I bet he wouldn't be so amenable. Don't let him dictate how your life will go.

Good luck.

I study Psychology at sixth form, and we have learnt that males want security, they want someone who will remain faithful to them. In this situation, by you agreeing to give up your dream to move to be with him, he would have that commitment.

I don't know what your psychology teacher is smoking, but what you should be learning is that "males" do not share a single brain. Humans are diverse and want different things for different reasons. I think everyone wants security and someone who will remain faithful to them. If that's only what men want, what do women want?

[Robynleighla]

Thank you everyone for your input. I've tried to talk to him about the what ifs, he only assures me that I will be able to move with him on base. He even told me that we have to be married to move in with each other at base, so we should get married asap. THIS IS WAAAYYYY TOO FAST AND I'M A WHIMP TO SPEAK (cause he won't listen much)! I even told him that if I can't get into med school near his base, I refuse to move. His response is "what's more important; a family, or your career?". Of course that's hard to answer. I want both a family and a career. O.O

-Robyn

[TwoThree]

Don't let yourself be manipulated by him. You want both a family and a career, but it's very unwise to have a family at age 17 in this day and age if you want a career, and you have to start working on your career NOW. You sound very reasonable and like you have it all planned out well with regards to school. Stand your ground. What he wants is very unreasonable. You should not get married at 17, not even out of highs chool, and babies shouldn't be at all on your mind because neither he nor you can provide for them!

I know people your age hate to hear that, but you are very young, and you really shouldn't be making life-altering decisions like marriage or commitment NOW. You have so much to look forward to. Your boyfriend is not respectful of your wishes and wants. You have to either make him listen to you and make him understand that you don't want any part of his plan, or he'll have to find himself a girlfriend who wants the same thing.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Thank you everyone for your input. I've tried to talk to him about the what ifs, he only assures me that I will be able to move with him on base. He even told me that we have to be married to move in with each other at base, so we should get married asap. THIS IS WAAAYYYY TOO FAST AND I'M A WHIMP TO SPEAK (cause he won't listen much)! I even told him that if I can't get into med school near his base, I refuse to move. His response is "what's more important; a family, or your career?". Of course that's hard to answer. I want both a family and a career. O.O

-Robyn

And you can have both, dearest! Just probably not with this guy. If he won't even listen to your point of view, it's safe to say that he does not respect you very much. You deserve better. Marriage and family at 17 is not a road that you want to go down. I would say cut your losses now and concentrate on your studies--this is what will serve you the best in the long run.

[Robynleighla]

Believe me, I do NOT want a baby for a while. It'll be incredibly unfair to the child with his/her dad off doing marine stuff a lot while I try to finish school, and possibly be out of state so our parents can't help (assuming I end up moving on base with him, which isn't likely). Might as well just wait.

-Robyn

[differentcountries]

Your wishes for the future are fundamentally different. He doesn't seem to truely get that. Neither do you, by the way. You need to speak your mind, too, if you ever want to get your way in this relationship.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Yikes.. the "what's more important, family or career?" question in context of how he's not listening to you is a pretty big red flag that he doesn't see you as an equal in this relationship, with goals and dreams that he (as your partner) should respect and encourage. That he sees you as someone to fit into his notion of what things will be like, regardless of your wants.

It's possible to have both career and family, but you and a partner need to be on the same page for what that entails. It just doesn't sound like you guys share a vision for what your futures should be.

You sound like you really have a good idea of what you want, and that's really great. Don't let him talk you out of it, and please don't just go along with something because you think you're too much of a "wimp" to push it. The fact is, that sort of feeling only gets worse and worse in this sort of controlling situation. You say he's not suffocating-level controlling right now, but if you give in on this, it's very likely he'll start exerting more and more control until he IS suffocating.

There's nothing "wrong" with him wanting to be with a stay-at-home-mom who cares for the family while he works, but it BECOMES wrong when he's trying to force that on you when it's not what you both want. That's when we're talking sexist oppression, 50s-style.

I would strongly, strongly suggest telling him that you don't feel comfortable with the conversations because you're NOT getting married soon and you're NOT having kids soon, so you would either like to talk about plans that include what you both want or it's not going to work.

And honestly, as much as it sucks, I would very seriously consider if this relationship is worth staying in, if he's already this dismissive of what you want and trying to force you into going along with what he has decided your life is going to be.

Good luck.

[silvermoonfairy3]

And you can have both, dearest! Just probably not with this guy. If he won't even listen to your point of view, it's safe to say that he does not respect you very much. You deserve better. Marriage and family at 17 is not a road that you want to go down. I would say cut your losses now and concentrate on your studies--this is what will serve you the best in the long run.

This.
All the this.

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with CQ and silvermoonfairy3. The reason you're having such a confusing mess of thoughts? Because you should be. What he's doing is controlling behaviour that will only worsen with time. He's attempting to manipulate you into giving up your life for him, quite possibly because he's threatened by the idea of a highly educated, medical doctor of a mother. I understand that you care deeply for him but you need to run as fast and as hard as you can. My mother was manipulated into quitting her PhD and getting her licensing because of my father, and while she loves my sister and I and does not regret us, she does regret sacrificing her education and opportunities and thus, not having quite the career she desires. Furthermore, she spent 20 years wrapped up in a marriage full of abuse and control, and it all started with red flags similar to the one you're describing. Feelings for him or not, you need to get out now, because none of this is ever going to get better. You want two different things, and you shouldn't have to sacrifice what you want at 17. You can have BOTH a career as a surgeon and a family, and there's a guy out there who's going to believe in you enough to encourage you to do it. It doesn't sound like this one is that guy. Please get out. Nothing good will come of a situation like this.

[Robynleighla]

Thank you for all of your responses! This gave me a lot of confidence to confront him, so I arranged to talk to him today about this matter once more. I'm taking in everyone's opinions into consideration and applying it to my argument with him. If he can't change his mind and give me my freedom of choosing my career and education path, as well as be patient about starting a family (assuming we end up married and get that far) then it's soooo over.

-Robyn

[Robynleighla]

Things went perfectly well. Let's hope this stays well..

-Robyn