Teens "Too young" to be in a serious relationship

[LivingInWonderland]

This isn't really a question or anything. I'm mostly just writing this as a form of rant, and kind of to see if anyone else has experienced this as well, or has any input.

So I have been told several times now, because of my age and my boyfriends age (we will both be 17 next month), that our relationship is just a fling and we are "too young to be in a serious relationship". Even though our relationship is very serious and we are serious about making this work and staying together. So it can be quite stressful and annoying to hear this kind of thing from people. Especially because my parents have been together since they were 15 and 16 years old, they are now 39 almost 40, and 41. Back when they first started seeing each other, it was perfectly normal to be in a serious relationship at that age, and they almost never had people tell them that they were too young or that it wasn't going to last because they were too young. It has really been making me wonder where, when and why it has become so blasphemous for young teens to be in a serious relationship. And why does this society now believe that it is not possible to maintain a relationship at a young age?

I understand perfectly that teenagers can be very immature compared to adults. Same as a teenage relationship is an immature relationship compared to an adult relationship. I get that. But that doesn't necessarily mean that an immature teenage relationship can not last.

I don't know. I guess I am just getting tired of being told by family, friends and coworkers that I am wasting my time by being in a serious relationship at my age, because it's not going to last anyways. Some of the time the people that say this to me, are people that have been in the same relationship since their early teens. Which makes it all the more confusing and strange to me. Haha. And one of the most annoying questions people have been asking me every time they see me is, "So, have you guys broken up yet?" Mostly it's just my grandmother and a few other family members that have been asking that one.

Does anyone else have this? I don't let what anyone says bring me down, or make me second guess my relationship. But it does get pretty old hearing the same thing over and over from people, every time I tell someone I am in a relationship. And if I tell them it is also a long distance relationship, you can just see the judgement in their eyes. It's just crazy.

[snow_girl]

Not to be that person, but from experience the guys I dated whom I was very very serious about and thought I was going to marry when I was younger did not last. You will grow and the next few years you will grow a lot, graduating, deciding what to do with your life and sometimes that means that the person you are with doesn't fit into that and you grow in different directions. It isn't a bad thing, it is good life experience and a valuable tool to use when it comes to loving again. Enjoy your relationship, I don't doubt one bit it isn't serious and wonderful. But enjoy the now of it and if that now lasts 50 more years or only 1, it isn't something to sweat right now. It's easy for adults to give you their wisdom and its even easier for younger ones to pass it off as though they are the exception. People like to give unwanted advice to everyone, unfortunately you just have to live with it, but it doesn't mean you have to take it.

[R&R]

The reason you get that a lot is because it is very rare for people who are in relationships as teenagers to progress to adulthood and stay together. It's even hard for adults to keep it together anymore - myself included in my previous relationships. The time when your parents grew up is a lot different than how you are growing up now so it's hard to use them as a comparison.

As teenagers, you are in high school and you are in a very stable setting. Then you progress to college and there are new experiences, new people, new ideas and new directions to go in. You expand your horizons and a lot of times, one or both of you realizes that with all these new possibilities, your directions are now headed in completely different directions. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just you start to find out more about who you are and what you want.

Can it work? Yes. My youngest is 19 and has been with her SO since she was 16. They have been LDR the entire time and won't close the distance until July 2016. However, not one of the kids in her large group from high school is still together with the person they were dating in high school. It's just not common. I know it can be frustrating to hear it all the time but unfortunately it's just more likely than not that relationships for teenagers don't last into adulthood.

[whatruckus]

I agree with the other ladies and I'm also going to add in the fact that your relationship is also very young. You guys have not even been together for 6 months, and also haven't even met yet. Most people that say this to you probably believe that, although you two feel you are serious and wiling/ready to make it work, you've still not gone through any of the hardships that most couples have to go through, or have gone through, LD or CD. So until you've probably gone through some big struggles (because, it happens in every relationship) I doubt anyone is going to take you seriously, not just because of your age.

When my SO and I first started dating, people didn't think we were going to last. Now, we're going on 2 1/2 years together.

Also, teens/kids these days don't grow up with the same values and morals as their parents did. Hooking up and having one night stands has become socially acceptable, whereas, back in my parents' day, it was super taboo. Getting a divorce was taboo. Having a baby before marriage was taboo. Being comfortable with ones sexuality was not widely accepted (look at Marilyn Monroe and all the closet gays/lesbians from the 70's and before). Interracial dating was taboo.

Plus, people that don't understand are always going to criticize.

Only 3 couples that started dating when I was in highschool have made it. Two are engaged, and the other couple is still together. Everyone else broke up. My grade had about 400 kids in it, you do the math.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I dated someone "seriously" when I was 16. It lasted 6 months and at the end I realized that he was more of my best friend than anything more than that. I didn't have the experience dating to know what I was looking for, what I needed, or what love really feels like. When I was 18, I dated someone extremely seriously. This one was closer to the mark, but we still broke up after a short time because he simply wasn't right for me and vice versa. If I didn't have those previous, and yes even "serious" relationships in the past (along with a couple of very not serious relationships), I would have never known how truly right for me my SO is. You always think you're in love and that they are "the one" until you realize that they aren't. When you're younger, it's harder to figure out that you maybe aren't meant to spend your life with them because you don't have the experience of knowing when a relationship isn't right. I believe that there are relationships that can work from a young age. We see it all the time, so don't give up because other people aren't that supportive because the relationships you have along the way (even if they don't work out) are extremely important to finding the ones that do. However, at 16 you are too young to be talking about "forever". You are young! Hell, I'm young and I'm years older than you are! I am in no way ready to make things permanent with my SO this year even though we are more than ready to close the distance and finally be together. With age does come maturity, even if you think you already have it (and believe me, I was mature for my age too...I get thinking that you feel older than you are! I even feel that now still).

[p_b82]

I also think that there is a generational thing here at play a little - my parents were *old* when they got together and had kids relatively - both should have been married to other people but circumstances changed and threw a spanner in the works; but they are one of the few of all their peers to still be married 40 years later.

As has been said there are many different forms of love, and I know at 16 what I thought was love was more of an idea of it than an actual *feeling* of it, but I don't say that to be patronising or tell you that what you feel isn't the right kind of love.. it might be. You might be on the lucky ones that gets it right without the heartache the rest of us have had to go through.....

so my comment is, don't let it become an issue for you, don't let people get under your skin, and if this is meant to be it will stand the test of time, regardless of what other people will say and think in the meantime.

[differentcountries]

It is not neccesarily people don't believe in your love (but as others here said, statistics are against you), but also that they don't believe 16 year olds have general experience taking care of themselves. You are not fully in charge of your lives as minors.

It depends on where you live, to an extent. In the part of country I grew up, it was not unnormal for people at 15-16 to live away from their parents on boarding shool or on their own, manage their money and be in quite serious relationships. When I broke up with my boyfriend of 15 (he was 20) at boarding school, people treated it no different than an adult breakup. I believe that to an extent, it you treat people like kids they will behave like a kid. But it is a special time in life, there are lots many have not experience with yet and that is sort of testing of relationships; handle money and housework, rent or buy a flat, have children, taking care of family together etc. There things can be forfulling to share together, but for a while it can also be hard, and people who have lived a while have experience with this. Even so, it is fair to treat relationships the same, with the same respect. After all, only time will tell, and quite a few of those arrogant adults may say bitter stuff because of bad experiences that you don't have to repeat.

The only thing you can do is really making adult dections to the extent that you can, take care of yourself and your educaton, and hopefully you will learn to navigate through the muddier waters of love as well. Best of luck!

[Zephii]

I understand perfectly that teenagers can be very immature compared to adults. Same as a teenage relationship is an immature relationship compared to an adult relationship. I get that.

I actually thought this showed a lot of maturity. Good on you.

I usually do my fair share of eye-rolling at these kind of posts because I swear every teen thinks they are mature for their age and more mature than their peers (me included!) and I'm all like "Suuuure you are, you wonderfully unique delicate flower you" but I think you really have it. So yeah, good on you.

With that said, like was mentioned above, 5 months is nothing. You do have to prove yourself in this world. It's lame, but there it is. And people do think online relationships are a joke. (I, for obvious reasons, do not agree with this)
But as the years roll past, you'll hear this shit less, and you'll get admiration a lot more.

And of course, society is different from what it was in our parent's day. Kids are bloody spolit. Even most of my peers were, and I'm a bit older than you. (My family was ridiculously poor, which I'm thankful for now, because I don't have that whinny entitlement a lot of my mates have.) It is hard to look at an average teen and take anything they say seriously because the majority have been so sheltered from hardship. They haven't had to get jobs to help support the household. So many have their first car given to them, they don't pay board, their parents help or outright pay their tuition so they can get a higher paying job right out of school, etc. They stay at home longer now too. Back in the day you were an adult at 18 and if you hadn't moved out by 21 there was something seriously wrong with you. Now? I have very few friends who moved out of home before their 20s, and those that did came from violent dirt-poor homes like mine.
Teens were adults sooner back then. My mum married at 19. Now if a 19 year old gets engaged people freak out.

So, yeah, that's why.

With that said, uh, screw them and their stereotypes. I met Obi (online) when we were 17. (I got the internet for my 17th Birthday and met him within 5 days. Fate? ) I didn't start dating him then, I was in a long term relationship already, so we were just... whatever the online version of fuck buddies is Haha. But I loved him. And he loved me. And we believed ever being together was impossible.
When we were finally dating, my sister (others too, but hers hurt the most) would point out potential partners to me, or try and set me up for dates. People asked what was wrong with us, why we couldn't find anyone closer. People who'd never even spoken to me said awful things about me to him. One of those people, in particular, we went to her wedding. She's now divorced. And I'm a horrible person, but I think back to him being in tears, turning to me for reassurance (at 50c per text message at my end, ugh) and me trying to find the right words to say so he'd just HOLD ON until I could get there and prove myself... and I smile, because ... fuck her.

Now? Now we're married. Living in the same country. We have two fantastic children and one on the way. I wake up next to him every morning, and if I wake up before the baby starts screaming, we have the best freaking cuddles in the world. We hold hands while we sleep, like otters. It's amazing. Sometimes I'm like "holy shit. that was us! We did that"
Now people are very nice to me. People love my love story. They can't believe some of the things we've had to overcome, and they don't know half of it. It's nice. People are nice.

There's no reason you can't have that too. But you earn it. So give that shit time! Go build an awesome story of your own. And one day you can watch one of your naysayers get divorced and then you and I can have a beer together. How about that?

[Gilven]

I think it is not only a "thing" about teens with LDR. I was 28 as I started to tell that I have a bf, who lives f* far away and my family in particular, especially my mom and sister made the first two years of our relationship to a little personal hell for me. No morning passed without a lecture that i should start a LIFE (what ever it means), that he is a player, that I am loosing my time, that i am still young and yes, what the hell is wrong with my self esteem, that i can't find a guy nearer. And that is immature. And the same at work, as i started to wear his ring. People I hardly know tried to find me a new bf from the town! Well... Passed time now and as Zephii wrote, suddenly people saw that we are still together and now, with concrete plans after 4 years, the human beings around me are starting to take me serious, without the smirk "Ha, you will see, you´ll break up, don't live in the clouds!". So its not only a teenage thing. What to tell you? You know better what your heart is telling you. But sometimes people are "wise" and "know" everything better, and when its the family, the more it hurts. Don't let your frustration about it win. The one who finally finish the race is the one who wins, and not the people around who are telling him, that he will never arrive at this finish line.

[differentcountries]

Yes, people have a tendency to turn around on LD relationships, meeting the person, seeing that it lasts etc. I don't think it is anything done out of spite, but out of concern. There is a lot of focus now on how people have been tricked out of their money, people pretending to be something they are not - and people conveniently forget that unkind behaviour happen in CD relationships as well! For me, I had very little support about the relationship in the beginning, but as I found my routine with talking and visits, people came to respect it a whole lot. I still don't know exactly what lies in store for us, but it is easier to get respect for a longer relationship, also you actually know the person better so you can talk about the relationship with more weight.

[whatruckus]

Even if you weren't LD, people would have something bad to say about it.

I also agree with the others who have said that their perception of what "love" is, and how a relationship should be, changes drastically over time. Even when I was 19, dating my ex, I thought that was what I wanted and I thought that was what love was. It wasn't. 5 years later, I found myself alone, with super low self-esteem and insecurities, because I thought it was okay for my ex to treat me the way he did. He left me for another girl. When I was 16 I had my first boyfriend for 3 months. I knew I didn't love him, even though he brought up the "L" word.

Now, I'm with my SO, and I have a way better understanding of what it should be like. I stand up for myself now.

Also, not just the fact of being LDR with my SO, I got a lot of flack for him being in the Army. I heard all the time about how "all military guys are pigs" by my mom. And, I heard all the time my family comparing my SO to my ex and how he was going to be the same. So, it doesn't matter what type of relationship you have. You're always going to get negative people.

[kenzieblue]

I can understand how u feel seeing as when I met my bf I was 16 I'm now 17 almost 18 and so is my bf... yes it is rare for a relationship at our age to last because once u hit ur 20s ur adult hormones kick in and u mature even more and it takes longer for guys to mature then girls

[BaconGirl05]

I understand all the criticism, I really do. I met my SO when I was 14, and we started dating a few weeks before my 15th birthday; he was 16 at the time. We've been dating for 3 1/2 years which now make us 18 and 20. I'm still young, yes, but it's very unlikely that he and I are going to break up. We've gone this far together, so we're both committed and want to be with each other.

I do think that since we're still young, we will continue to get criticism for our relationship, but, it's how we choose to handle it. My mom is very supportive of my relationship, my friends, not so much. They never were, even when I went to visit my SO in Australia. Even though people may judge, don't let it get to you. Yeah, maybe the relationship won't last, but then again, maybe it will. If you feel confident in your relationship, don't let anyone bring you down

[mytexancowboy]

I'm 18 and my SO is only 17. He and I are having the same troubles but more so from friends and not family. They are so doubtful that we can love each other at our ages. I've been with people when I was younger but longer than I've been with him but I have never felt this way about others I "loved". I think people can love at any age.