Teens I really need advice please

[Moshix]

I live in Norway, and the man of my dreams lives in Vancouver, Canada. We have been talking for almost a year now, and we have been dating unofficially since August, but it became official in December. We met on a site called Chatous which is almost like Omegle. I was really heartbroken and suicidal, and I needed to talk to someone, so I went online to seek help. We talked for a long time, and we became best friends. But we also fell inlove… Oh my gosh…. This guy… I have never in my life met anyone more amazing than him. He’s my soulmate. He’s the reason why I’m alive today. We have tried to Facetime, but because of the timezones (he’s like 9 hours behind), so we can only call when he’s about to go to bed. Therefore it’s always dark in his room when we Facetime, so I have never really seen his face that well.

I wanna marry this guy. And in two years, when I’m finally done with school, then I wanna move to Vancouver to study there and to be with Zane. The thing is that my whole family is in a church community called «Smiths Venner» or «Smith’s friends». And we’re not allowed to have a premarital relationship. So if I move to Vancouver to be with Zane, then I’ll lose my family and my friends. But I love this guy, and I can’t really see a future without him.

There is one thing though… A few days ago, a girl messaged me and told me that she and Zane was in a relationship. They both told me that he didn’t love me anymore. I was so sad and so angry, so I sent his nudes to his dad in an email… And his dad wanted to kick him out of the house, but fortunately his mom convinced his dad to let him stay. Zane later told me that he lied about him being with another girl because of the situation with my family, he understood that my parents would never accept him, because he’s not in the church, and also because he’s a muslim… He wanted me to hate him so it would be easier for me to move on. I could never hate him though. We decided to take a break, so we wont talk to each other for a week. He wants me to take him back though. I just really don't know what to do.. Can you give me some advice please? I would really appreciate it! Thanks

[snow_girl]

My advice, stop. dating. anyone. All of this is way too immature for a relationship to work.

[differentcountries]

Stop sending each other nudes, or have a rule to delete them as you go. Even for people less spontanous than you,when drunk etc it can be tempting to use pics in ways one should not. Just don't keep these pictures available.

Are you in contact with anyone about your mental issues? I know Mental Helse has some good hotlines and they have local safeplaces where you may meet people who can help. The Youth branch Mental Helse Ungdom is a place to meet other young people with mental health issues. Also, depending on how old you are, there are different places you could get professional help: BUP if you are under 18, talk to helsesøster at videregående skole, get reffered to a psycologist etc.

[Moshix]

Stop sending each other nudes, or have a rule to delete them as you go. Even for people less spontanous than you,when drunk etc it can be tempting to use pics in ways one should not. Just don't keep these pictures available.

Are you in contact with anyone about your mental issues? I know Mental Helse has some good hotlines and they have local safeplaces where you may meet people who can help. The Youth branch Mental Helse Ungdom is a place to meet other young people with mental health issues. Also, depending on how old you are, there are different places you could get professional help: BUP if you are under 18, talk to helsesøster at videregående skole, get reffered to a psycologist etc.

I'm already going to BUP, it doesn't help. But that's not even the point with this forum. I just don't know what to do with him. How can I trust him, should I risk my whole family and all of my church friends for my soulmate?

[R&R]

My advice, stop. dating. anyone. All of this is way too immature for a relationship to work.

I have to agree with this. Reading through your post, all I could think was that neither of you are ready for a relationship. Both of your actions are very immature and not how a good relationship works.

I need to make this next sentence my tagline because I have to repeat it so often "A relationship and your SO should never become your life. You need to have an entire life of your own that fulfills you and then that person should add to your life." You are 16 years old. You have so much time ahead of you just discovering who you are and what you want in life for YOU. That if you were to be single until you were 50 or forever that you would be happy, fulfilled, content and satisfied with your life. Until you can grasp that concept, you need to back off from any sort of serious dating with anyone.

I can tell you, the guy I was so "in love" with at 16 was not the man I was dating when I was 18 and I was married to someone completely different from either of them when I was 23. It's not because of being fickle but because you change as a person and what you want and need in a partner changes as you grow and mature. It's very rare for someone who is 16 to marry the person they are dating and be with them the rest of their life.

And as far as "Just moving to Vancouver to be with Zane" - it doesn't happen that way. It costs a lot of money and there is a long legal process to be able to move to another country. There are a lot of threads on here that you should read. We're not trying to discourage you but we are trying to give you a reality check.

[differentcountries]

I'm already going to BUP, it doesn't help. But that's not even the point with this forum. I just don't know what to do with him. How can I trust him, should I risk my whole family and all of my church friends for my soulmate?

I know, BUP doesn't really get it, right? I suggest Mental Helse Ungdom. They are really nice people who can understand what you are going through. Work on yourself first, then your relationship.

[Ella85]

At 16, I couldn't even decide what I wanted to do with my life! Let alone the guy I wanted to be with. I did meet my ex at 17 but I never dated him until I was 21. You might not feel like it, but you are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Sure you probably don't want to hear that but I'm going to say it anyway because it's true!

Also he's lied to you. My boyfriend and I never lie to each other. He knows how I feel about lies.. my ex lied to me and it tore the relationship apart. I never trusted him again and I was married to him for 8 years. He'd tell me all sorts of lies (I will simply not go into on a forum). But I am telling you now, what he did hurt you and it was a lie and it is not acceptable. Why would you risk your family for someone like that?

[Lycka]

I do agree with the other people and what they
have said. In a relationship you should be ableto talk about those problems even though they are painful. I have had those talk but we solved it by talking.

Also, I have also those health issues when it comes to the mental. I visit the psychiatry but my partner is better on listen and that's how it should be (that your partner is listening to you, the psychiatry is bad). You should find someone who listens to your problems and mental issues.

So, for me it doesn't sounds like he's worth the try. Even if you're still connected to him it sounds like he made a reason for you to not try.

One last thing, don't plan for the future now because it will never be as you've planned. Only plan when you two feel that this is worth the time and when it feels right(but of course you can fantasize it).

[whatruckus]

Neither of you know what it's like to be in a relationship from what I've read in your post. You don't rat out the person you love because you got mad at him and send his pics to his dad (or anyone really). And, he is stupid for supposedly lying and having that girl message you, to get you to "hate" him.

This is one of the most dysfunctional relationships I've seen on this site, and I honestly don't think it should continue.

You need help. And, you need to be able to love yourself before you can even be mature enough to love someone else and be in a loving, caring, mature relationship.

When I was 19, I was in a relationship I thought was going to end up in marriage. We were together for 5 years. Notice I'm using past tense? It ended because he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering and cheated on me (multiple times). He left me for the last girl he cheated on me with, and now they've been married for like almost 2 years. This was only about 3 years ago.

Do you see how easy and fast things can change?

[differentcountries]

Even in young relationships, there needs to be trust and mutal respect, and to have purpuseful things to do outside the relationship. Treat the other as you would like to be treated, even when you are sad and mad. That is really the cornerstone in every relationship, to hold your tounge, fix problems and not hold a grudge. I am 35 years old, but it is still hard sometimes to not yell when I am upset, and especially when I feel an important relationship is threatened, like you felt. But look at it this way: if you act out like this now, surronded by your loved ones in a (hopefully) safe environment, how are things going to be in two years time when you leave home and perhaps move to be with him in another country? Then he will be your family. Perhaps he will not be wonderful every day. Sometimes he will so stupid things that will upset you, or withdraw when you need him the most. You will need inner strenght to deal with those things. That is why we are a bit harsh on you. Love is wonderfull but still not easy, and life has many challenges. If you work on yourself, you can make many things happen. Don't think working on yourself doesn't matter for romantic relationships, because it does. My SO says he loves me because of the way I talk to him. But I have LEARNED to talk to him like that, by working on myself (curbing my anger issues) and trying out different styles of communication. Think of it as a gift you can give yourself and the one you love. Dealing with your own issues really matters.

[Moon]

Are you in contact with anyone about your mental issues?

I know, BUP doesn't really get it, right? I suggest Mental Helse Ungdom. They are really nice people who can understand what you are going through. Work on yourself first, then your relationship.

WAT? Where does she say she has mental issues? Why are you referring an immature 16 year old with unrealistic relationship expectations to a mental health clinic? Did I miss something here? If we were all told our teenage fairy tales about "our soulmates" and "love of our lives" were mental issues, there wouldn't be too many of us walking around in free society today. Just because she has a religious family doesn't mean she needs help. If you can't learn to deal with life on your own, and manage normal issues yourself, you're going to be a mess as an adult.

[differentcountries]

WAT? Where does she say she has mental issues? Why are you referring an immature 16 year old with unrealistic relationship expectations to a mental health clinic? Did I miss something here?

Did you read the part where she says that she contemplated suicide? She also confirms that she gets followed up for her mental issues at the local Children and Youth Psycriatic Service (called BUP in Norwegian).

[Unconditional]

Everyone pretty much hit the nail on the head with everything else...so I will ask what hit me in the beginning.
Why can he not turn some lights when he facetimes you? I get it. It's dark, but lights are available.