I've never been in a LDR before, and I'm lost in all my emotions. I really think he is the guy for me (we've been together almost 9 months). I've never felt this way about any guy. I feel like i don't deserve him, and that he doesn't feel the same way about me. He is making plans to visit me, but I'm scared out of my mind. I just don't want to be alone anymore, but I don't want him to not like me if we do meet.. I NEED HELP!!!!
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Welcome to LFAD.
First, take a BIG breath and slowly exhale. Do it again. Relax. A relationship should not put you into such a tizzy.
This next piece of advice I am going to give you is the same advice I give to anyone from age 15 to 50. A relationship should not become your life. The other person should not become your life. You need to have a full, complete life on your own before worrying about a relationship. The earlier in life you learn this, the easier it will be for you as you get older. (Trust me, took me awhile to learn this one and I wish someone had told me earlier.) When you are happy with your life, secure in yourself as a person, it's not such a dramatic situation when wondering what someone else thinks about you.
Your comment of "I don't want to be alone anymore" - this is not a good way to think. A person should never be in a relationship because they don't want to be alone. You must learn to be content by yourself and secure in yourself FIRST. Then a relationship can happen and be there to enhance who you are already.
This piece of advice is because you are 15. I look back to when I was 15. I was so positive that there wasn't any way that anyone could have possibly ever felt how I felt about my bf. Now, all these years later, I struggle to remember much about him. Pretty much everyone on here is going to tell you the same. It's so very rare for anyone to be with, as an adult, who they were with at 15. You grow, you mature, you change, your world expands, you meet new people, you discover more about yourself, your wants/needs in a partner changes. It will happen for you too. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
My 19 yr old daughter had been with her SO since she was 16. They were LDR the whole time, though she had known him prior to their relationship. She ended the relationship this past week. She had a promise ring and they had already discussed marriage and kids. She decided she needed to take a step back. She didn't want to be in a relationship. She realized she needed some space for her - to give her more time to realize what she wants and needs for herself and a future relationship. Things change for everyone - they will for you too.To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.
Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.
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It took me almost 5 years and multiple relationships/dates to understand what I'm about to tell you. I'm sharing it because I wish I would have known at 15, but honestly, this is something you need to learn for yourself. Many people NEVER learn this, so I hope you can at least get a head start on it!Originally posted by makandcheese View Post
1) "I just don't want to be alone anymore". It's okay to date people just because you want to date and feel loved and appreciated and know what relationships are like. We have all done it. However, I can guarantee you're going to be a thousand times happier in any relationship if you're perfectly fine being on your own (especially LDR). If you fast forward a couple of years to freshman year of college, pretty much every freshman does exactly what you're doing now. You want a relationship so bad that you would literally do anything to have one, including be with someone who isn't great for you but yet you're convinced is "the one" just because you want him to be so bad. Every single one of my friends (myself included) had this relationship freshman year. I'm not saying that your SO is bad for you or that he isn't "the one" or whatever else. The hell if I know what's going on there. However, I do know that if you're with him just because you don't want to be alone, despite being in good company of about every other human being on the planet, you aren't really happy. It's amazing to move on from that type of relationship and realize how much wanting to be in a relationship clouded your judgment on the whole thing.
2) "I don't want him not to like me if we do meet". The cliche is actually true: just be yourself. I find that everyone I'm around I'm a little bit of a different "myself" around them. I thought I was myself around my ex until I realized that I was the myself he wanted me to be and every time the other parts came out I would hide them away as not to scare him away. In contrast to that, with my boyfriend, I literally put no pressure on the relationship. I went into it thinking "hey, if he likes me, great! if he doesn't, who the hell cares?" granted, at the time he was just some foreign guy that I wanted to snog a bit before he went home
but you get the idea. I was completely and totally myself around him because I would have just found someone else to kiss if he didn't like me. We ended up as the best of friends and then eventually more. If we ever broke up, I would use the same advice I'm giving you. WHO THE HELL CARES? Yes, we want everyone to like us, but if they don't like us for the true us, then why is even a tear wasted on someone who couldn't see how awesome we were to begin with?
Again, these are things that you'll learn on your own with time and experiences. I fully encourage you to go out and explore situations and realize that no matter what we tell you, it's your life. Only you can decide what parts of advice you want to take and sometimes you have to learn things the hard way. There is nothing wrong with that. Just remember the happier you are as an individual, the happier you'll be in a relationship.Comment
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Just in case there's some misunderstanding, I want to clarify that neither R&R or MMDL are telling you to break up with your s/o or anything like that. It's just sound life advice (that I second).
I don't doubt you haven't felt this way about any guy before. Everyone you date is going to be different, and you'll never feel the exact same way about two different people. If this has been your longest relationship, then it's definitely going to feel like something really special. And I'm sure it is something really special, and there's a chance he could be the one for you, but my suggestion is to slow that particular train of thought down. Enjoy what you have going on right now, and take it day by day. Seriously, don't worry about what you're going to be doing years from now. You've both got so much time yet to develop and grow as individuals, so allow yourselves to blossom first before you start thinking like that. Companionship is great to have, but as it's been stated before, it's also important to be able to survive as an individual. You really don't want to rush these things.
If he makes you happy and he treats you well, then you absolutely deserve him. If he's making plans to visit you, then chances are he feels the same way, or at least similarly. There aren't too many people willing to make that sort of trip for someone they're really not all that into. That being said, your first meeting might be kind of awkward. You might need time to get adjusted to each other, so things might not flow as smoothly in person as they do when you guys talk otherwise. That doesn't necessarily mean either he or you are not into the relationship; it just means that you're a little shy, which is pretty normal. Just be yourself, and I'm sure he'll be happy all the same.
Just take a few slow, deep breaths, and remind yourself that things will be just fine.
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Thank you so much! this really opened my eyes.Comment
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Hi makandcheese,
I'm going to come in with another perspective.
I understand what everyone is saying and how there is a chance it may not last. It may last, it may not.
I am 18 right now and met my SO when I was 14. We started dating just before my 15th birthday. We always talked about visiting each other and wanting to be together. However, we had school to focus on, so we were not able to meet. I had not really dated anyone before him, so I didn't really know what to do. Looking back on it now, it was really good having someone to talk to everyday, even if he was half way across the world. Now that we're 18 and 20, things have definitely gotten more serious in the relationship. It's matured, just like we have. We went into the relationship with the thought, "If it doesn't work out, we had a great time and we will still be friends." I never realized how much the relationship has changed now that we're out of school and focusing on our lives. We weren't as committed to each other like we are now. I think it is very possible to be with someone at such a young age like 15. My SO and I grew up together and as the relationship went on, we knew we wanted to be together because we make each other happy. I think we were together because it gave us a friend to talk to. Now it's because we love each other and see a future with each other. I know I'm still a teenager, (so it may sound weird for another teen to say this) but remember, if you guys don't work out, it's okay. You'll be able to look back on it as a great experience together. If it works out, congratulations
you still have so much to learn about yourself and only time will tell what happens.
Good luck on meeting him by the way! Like the others said, it may be a little awkward. It will get better as you both get more comfortable with each other. Good luck on your journey
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