Teens Dealing with a hateful parent. Any advice?

[LivingInWonderland]

I'm going to try to make this as short as I can. I have always hated being on of the rambling people on forums. So long story short is that... My boyfriends mom read through his stuff and his private messages between him and myself. She found out some things, and things got pretty bad for about a week. His mom was trying to take away my boyfriends laptop so that he couldn't speak to me any more, but his dad wouldn't allow that because he knew how much we love each other. I tried doing the right thing and messaged his mom. I was very respectful, but I was firm at the same time. I told her it was disrespectful to read through our messages like she did, and I told her that despite what she thinks, I do love her son very much. Well... I got a hateful message in return. She basically told me I needed Jesus (I am an atheist) and that until I find faith, she is never going to find a place for me in her heart and we are never going to see things the same way. She also told me that a year from now I'm just going to find another guy to love and that her son would mean nothing to me. I responded, and tried to keep things as respectful as possible. I told her thanks for sharing her thoughts, but mine were not going to change. And some other things. The messages were all very long, and honestly I don't even full remember what was said. This happened about 6 weeks ago. It got to the point where I had to get my mom involved to help me settle things. My mom sent her an email, and all that did was make it worse. My mom was respectful like I was, but it made no difference. I am now forbidden from seeing my boyfriend until we are both 18. She said even then she doesn't want me seeing him, but she won't be able to stop us at that point.

It has been several weeks now, and his mother no longer speaks to me. She makes hurtful comments about me to my boyfriend, Matt, almost on a daily basis. Matt always tells me everything she says, and today she told him that he needed to stop doing that because it's none of my business. My boyfriend and his mom then got into a huge fight. They have been fighting a lot lately. She told him today to tell me that she still loves me, and my boyfriend said, "No you don't. You don't even like her. You told my aunt so yourself." And she said that he was right and she doesn't like me at all. She started telling him some day he would see things her way, and that 5 years from now he wasn't even going to remember me. When 3 months ago, when I was staying at their house, she kept telling me that she has never seen two people more meant for each other than us. She kept telling me she wanted us to get married and that she could just see it in our eyes that we truly loved each other, and now she won't speak to me, she has forbidden me from seeing him, and she has admitted to hating me. I'm just struggling with this. I feel as if all of the things she said were a lie, and that the good times I had with her and the nice things she said were just fake. I've been dealing with some depression the last few weeks, and I am under a lot of stress. Matt is losing his relationship with his parents and I feel like it's my fault. Things have gotten bad enough at his house that my parents have helped the two of us come up with a solid way to close the distance in a year and get him out of there. I just can't help but feel like I am to blame. I don't want him to lose his relationship with his family, but I know that as long as he is with me. He has been dealing with so much because of all of this. He tells me every day that he wishes it was over and that he could just leave. His mom is making his life miserable. She drags him along with her to all of her appointments, errands, you name it, to keep him from talking to me. It has just gotten to the point where both my boyfriend and I are struggling. Our relationship is still very much intact, but it's just very stressful to have to fight so hard for it.

So to get to the point of this thread.... What should I do? I'm trying to be the better person and to remain respectful, but all I am getting is hate in return. I tried to say hello to his dad through Skype the other day, and now even he won't speak to me. When a few weeks ago he was on our side and he kept sending me reassuring text messages to let me know that everything was going to be okay. I feel like I should be trying to stand up for myself, but I'm scared that that will only make things worse. So do I really just need to continue to stand by and take it? She is becoming downright hateful. She has no idea that her son is moving here in July or August. My boyfriend is scared to tell her, because he knows that if he does, things will go from bad to worse. His exact words were, "If she found out I was living Arkansas to be with you, she would make my life a living hell." Which I feel at this point is no longer an exaggeration.

I feel like this thread is pretty pointless. There isn't really an answer as to what I should do. I guess I'm just looking for some kind of reassurment, maybe? ive tried telling myself I only have to deal with this for another year, but I know that the resentment towards me is only going to become worse once Matt is here with me. So I'm just not really sure what I should be doing.

I'm sorry this is so long, as well.

-Ashley

[Honour]

1) It isn't your fault she can't accept you and your SO's relationship. She's a grown adult who can make her own mind up and make decisions.

2) What age is your SO? Assuming he's 17 as well, depending on when his birthday is, it's only months away, not years. His mum can't control him forever and she'll find that out soon enough.

3) DON'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR HER HATE. I can't stress this enough. Sounds like you and your parents have done the right thing and tried to fix things, and this two-faced woman probably wouldn't even listen to her own husband if he tried to reason with her. It CANNOT be helped that she dislikes you, not everyone will get along with you.

4) Your SO and his mother's fighting also isn't your fault. She's probably worried shitless about him and can't deal with this all, so she's trying to deny it and fight it. Hence her attitude. It's HER problem, not yours.

5) Her two faced attitude is probably because she has had a change of heart about you two. Same goes for your SO's dad. Typically relationships at your age don't tend to last, but there's always exceptions to the rules, I know of a few. However, neither of them may no longer feel this way/see things this way, and are concerned that you are simply not worth the heartache and are "misleading" their son. Of course, I might be wrong, but this similar situation happened to me once back when I was a teen lol.

Good luck, and keep in mind, it ISN'T your fault or your SO's.

[LivingInWonderland]

Thank you, Honour. I know it's not really my fault. It's just hard not to feel that way when everything seems to be falling part around you because of something you did. But I can't control how she responds to things. I tried being respectful and calm, and she was the exact opposite. I guess this is just going to be something we'll have to deal with. My boyfriend is 17, so yeah. Just a few more months of this. I just feel sorry that he is losing his relationship with his parents like this. He tells me all the time that he would do anything for me, and that if his parents can't respect that he loves me, then he doesn't want a relationship with them. Which of course makes me feel bad. I have a really good relationship with my parents. We talk to each other about everything, and we get along really well. That's something I wish he could have too. But I guess that's something that's not in my control.

Thank you. Hearing someone else tell me it's not my fault like this does help. It just might take a bit of time for that to really set in for me.

[Honour]

I have a pretty honest and strong relationship with my parents, though my mum is way more understanding than my dad. I had a real hard time plucking up the courage to tell my dad about my ex, but in the end, when I did (keep in mind I was 18 at the time) both my parents freaked out and banned me from talking to him. For months, we kept our relationship going completely under wraps. It's not a healthy way to live your life. Nor is it healthy for them to be unhappy with his decisions and yours. If they can't accept it, then it's their problem and unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Being calm, respectful and everything else is all good and well, it won't make much of a difference in the eyes of those whose minds are closed.

[LivingInWonderland]

Yeah. It's just hard for me right now, because she is keeping me from him. Over something that should not be taken this way... Believe it or not, all of this started because she found out her son and I slept together the last time we were together. We are both 18. You would think it wouldn't be quite such a big deal. I can understand some disappoint. But this? All of the hatred towards me, the fighting with her son... It's all a very unecessary way to handle the situation. She believes that you should not have sex or marry before marriage. She believes it is one of the worst kind of sins. But you know what's funny and so ironic? She was going drugs and having sex a lot at 13, and she was MARRIED at 16. Matt and I are a lot more responsible than she ever was. She really had no right to do this to us. We are responsible, respectful, and so much else. But because of what she found out, she's blind sided to all of it. She is being extremely immature, and a bigot in so many ways. So it has really become a struggle for me. I'm just looked forward to my boyfriend moving up here a year from now. It just makes me sad knowing that my boyfriend won't be keeping in contact with her once he moves. He told me yesterday that he has had enough and can't do it any more. I know a lot of teenagers have these phases where they want nothing to do with their parents, but this is different. You would almost have to be in our situation, know exactly what has been said and done, to really understand.

I know a lot of teenage relationships fail. I won't deny that. But I know so many people (my parents included) who have stayed with the same person since they were young teens. It gives me a lot of hope for Matt and I's relationship. We're best friends. We have been for going on two years. I love him. We have our fights. We're not perfect. But we are still determined to try. We aren't really so much in the honeymoon phase any more, so it has become more challenging. But I am the type of person that won't give up without a fight. My boyfriend is the same way. Am I saying we will be together forever? No. I know the odds aren't in our favor. But I do believe that we have a fighting chance at success.

I'm sure every teenager with a boyfriend or girlfriend has said the same.... But yeah.

Anyways. Thanks for responding to my thread. I mostly just made this because I just needed to get all of this off of my chest. It's nice sometimes to just be able to write about sticky situations.

[Ella85]

She sounds unreasonable. She found out some information about your relationship which was none of her business and she is having a hissy fit. Ultimately she has no control over his life and she will end up losing him. It's her loss. It makes it no easier for you, it is not your fault. You both have done nothing wrong! Her behaving like this is only good for one thing, destroying the relationship she has with her son. That is sad for her. But it is her loss. It's not that long until you can close the distance so hang in there. I can't imagine this situation is helping with the depression.

[R&R]

Thank you, Honour. I know it's not really my fault. It's just hard not to feel that way when everything seems to be falling part around you because of something you did. But I can't control how she responds to things. I tried being respectful and calm, and she was the exact opposite. I guess this is just going to be something we'll have to deal with. My boyfriend is 17, so yeah. Just a few more months of this. I just feel sorry that he is losing his relationship with his parents like this. He tells me all the time that he would do anything for me, and that if his parents can't respect that he loves me, then he doesn't want a relationship with them. Which of course makes me feel bad. I have a really good relationship with my parents. We talk to each other about everything, and we get along really well. That's something I wish he could have too. But I guess that's something that's not in my control.

Thank you. Hearing someone else tell me it's not my fault like this does help. It just might take a bit of time for that to really set in for me.

Yeah. It's just hard for me right now, because she is keeping me from him. Over something that should not be taken this way... Believe it or not, all of this started because she found out her son and I slept together the last time we were together. We are both 18. You would think it wouldn't be quite such a big deal. I can understand some disappoint. But this? All of the hatred towards me, the fighting with her son... It's all a very unecessary way to handle the situation. She believes that you should not have sex or marry before marriage. She believes it is one of the worst kind of sins. But you know what's funny and so ironic? She was going drugs and having sex a lot at 13, and she was MARRIED at 16. Matt and I are a lot more responsible than she ever was. She really had no right to do this to us. We are responsible, respectful, and so much else. But because of what she found out, she's blind sided to all of it. She is being extremely immature, and a bigot in so many ways. So it has really become a struggle for me. I'm just looked forward to my boyfriend moving up here a year from now. It just makes me sad knowing that my boyfriend won't be keeping in contact with her once he moves. He told me yesterday that he has had enough and can't do it any more. I know a lot of teenagers have these phases where they want nothing to do with their parents, but this is different. You would almost have to be in our situation, know exactly what has been said and done, to really understand.

I know a lot of teenage relationships fail. I won't deny that. But I know so many people (my parents included) who have stayed with the same person since they were young teens. It gives me a lot of hope for Matt and I's relationship. We're best friends. We have been for going on two years. I love him. We have our fights. We're not perfect. But we are still determined to try. We aren't really so much in the honeymoon phase any more, so it has become more challenging. But I am the type of person that won't give up without a fight. My boyfriend is the same way. Am I saying we will be together forever? No. I know the odds aren't in our favor. But I do believe that we have a fighting chance at success.

I'm sure every teenager with a boyfriend or girlfriend has said the same.... But yeah.

Anyways. Thanks for responding to my thread. I mostly just made this because I just needed to get all of this off of my chest. It's nice sometimes to just be able to write about sticky situations.

Are you both 17 or 18? If 17, then I understand having to wait for him to move. If you are 18, are you waiting for him to finish school? I know you've stated your parents are good with him coming out to live with you.

[LivingInWonderland]

Are you both 17 or 18? If 17, then I understand having to wait for him to move. If you are 18, are you waiting for him to finish school? I know you've stated your parents are good with him coming out to live with you.

We are 4 days apart in age, so both 17. He'll be 18 right after me. He can't leave his parents house until he is 18, which is why we are waiting. He is homeschooled, and will be getting a GED here after he moves.

[makandcheese]

I am in kind of the same position as your boyfriend. My mom absolutely hates the idea of me being in a LDR, so all that hate goes torward my boyfriend. She never talks to me anymore. It's kind of sad and my boyfriend blames himself. I lost him for about 5 months because my mom took away all contact to the outside world. He stayed with me and waited for me to come back. All the advice I can give is try to ignore it. Tell other people. (friends.. family.. etc) that will make you feel better about your relationship. It's really hard, but I promise everything will work out

[sasad]

I am not in any way defending his mom, but after reading the back story for her, I can understand why she may have wigged out a little moremore. She doesn't want the same situations to happen to her son that happened to her. Her disappointments and life choices she made and isn't proud of, she doesn't want to see repeated.
You were both 17 when you had sex. I am not sure what state you were in, but unless you are both above the age of consent for that state, it is technically unlawful. Even if it was consensual. Maybe that was in her head? Or maybe you were the good girl she never was.....
I still think her punishment is way more than the crime. I really wish the best for you both

[differentcountries]

you know what's funny and so ironic? She was going drugs and having sex a lot at 13, and she was MARRIED at 16.

She was out of control once, she found something that made her somewhat stable -- sometimes the reformed ones are the most fanatic. It makes sense that she looses it over him making his own decitions. The good news is, you are really her model couple, she just has a hard time seeing it as of now. I bet that some time from now, she will really see how patient and sincere you both are. It might help if you see that probably a part of her really admire you. Be sure to remember that although she is angry, she is also vounerable. Always treat her respectfully, and if she starts to loose it just withdraw. I wish you the best, it is a tricky situation.