Teens Unsure of where we stand

[terra.hunt.]

So basically for the last month, my boyfriend and I have been great. We started off rocky after he dealt with practically crippling depression and basically I told him my past with depression ( I was in rehab for 6 months for self harm and drug abuse*pills*), and that if he wasn't going to try and get better not only for me, but for himself as well, then we couldn't be together. So he cleaned up his act, he got a job, and everything was going great. But now, he is getting back to his old self. Depressed all the time, not wanting to do anything, unless it's with me. It's almost like he heavily relies on me, to get him out of bed, to make sure he goes to work, and that he is okay before, during, and after work. He stays up till about 7am every night, he can't ever sleep, which keeps me up because we sleep together on video call. I am starting to feel neglected. I make sure he is okay every second of the day, but when it comes to me, it's like I am on the back burner. Not to mention I told him at the beginning that I couldn't have any negativity of this sort around me because of me being a recovering addict to pills and my history with depression and self harm. I love this kid to death, and when he was actually trying and being happy, everything was great. We never argued or anything! Now we have at least 1 argument every 2 days. He is starting to make me mad, like there is only so much I can do, and I am at my point, where I am unsure if I honestly want to be with him anymore because of this. Don't get me wrong, I will always stay with somebody as long as possible, it takes a lot to push me to my breaking point. But all my life I looked out for others happiness and not my own, and I am tired of feeling like that. I understand that couples are gonna argue and struggle and that it's a natural thing, and given with his past, I took all of that on when I said yes to being his girlfriend, but he also told me he would try to control it and try to get better, and he has done neither since about our 3rd week together. Please if you have any advice..Help.

[sasad]

First of all, he cant and never should get better for you. It HAS to be for himself.
Second, you are not his Dr nor are you God. YOU cant fix him. You can be there for him when he stumbles, and pick him up when he falls, but that's it.
HE needs to make the changes to himself. You appear to be a bit of an enabler as well. You should not get him out of bed etc. That's not your job.
You are at your breaking point, but some of this is because of what you have done.
Now you need to decide where it is you need to be. Stop looking out for other peoples happiness. YOU are not responsible for that. You are responsible for you and YOUR happiness.
Sit down, write it out. Get what you feel and what you need and where you need to be on paper. Then start getting to that place. I think you already know where it is .
I wish you luck

[maybesomeday]

You can never make someone recover from something. They have to do it by their own will, and not be given ultimatums to pressure them into it. I think that was your first mistake. He's probably going back to his "old self" because he was pushed to change in the first place. He obviously wasn't ready to; he probably hasn't stopped being depressed, he's just found a way to work around it to please you, but it's failed because he wasn't ready in himself! I don't know this guy from a bar of soap, but I'm feeling sympathy for him; he's not getting any support from his partner whatsoever, instead he's getting ultimatums and someone who is completely selfish and self-involved. If you've been through depression before, you should understand how much support is needed and welcomed. I understand you've been there, done that, and you want to keep that negativity out of your life, but complaining and focusing 100% on yourself when you have a partner doesn't seem right in my opinion. Love should be about supporting one another, good or bad, better or worse. Help him! Offer advice, don't tell him what to do. But that said, I think you should just break it off for his sake. You are both not at the same level in life, you're on completely different paths, in completely different state of minds, and if he is so disruptive to yours, then move on. He too will find a way to move on, and one day he will fight the depression with the right encouragement and his own strength. Then you'll both be happy.

[sasad]

You can never make someone recover from something. They have to do it by their own will, and not be given ultimatums to pressure them into it. I think that was your first mistake. He's probably going back to his "old self" because he was pushed to change in the first place. He obviously wasn't ready to; he probably hasn't stopped being depressed, he's just found a way to work around it to please you, but it's failed because he wasn't ready in himself! I don't know this guy from a bar of soap, but I'm feeling sympathy for him; he's not getting any support from his partner whatsoever, instead he's getting ultimatums and someone who is completely selfish and self-involved. If you've been through depression before, you should understand how much support is needed and welcomed. I understand you've been there, done that, and you want to keep that negativity out of your life, but complaining and focusing 100% on yourself when you have a partner doesn't seem right in my opinion. Love should be about supporting one another, good or bad, better or worse. Help him! Offer advice, don't tell him what to do. But that said, I think you should just break it off for his sake. You are both not at the same level in life, you're on completely different paths, in completely different state of minds, and if he is so disruptive to yours, then move on. He too will find a way to move on, and one day he will fight the depression with the right encouragement and his own strength. Then you'll both be happy.

She can't help him if he won't help himself. She can't make him all better. She has been bending over backwards for this guy and yet you say she is selfish etc.? It's not her job to make sure he gets up and dressed. Relationships are not one sided.

[Harlequin]

You can never make someone recover from something. They have to do it by their own will, and not be given ultimatums to pressure them into it. I think that was your first mistake. He's probably going back to his "old self" because he was pushed to change in the first place. He obviously wasn't ready to; he probably hasn't stopped being depressed, he's just found a way to work around it to please you, but it's failed because he wasn't ready in himself! I don't know this guy from a bar of soap, but I'm feeling sympathy for him; he's not getting any support from his partner whatsoever, instead he's getting ultimatums and someone who is completely selfish and self-involved. If you've been through depression before, you should understand how much support is needed and welcomed. I understand you've been there, done that, and you want to keep that negativity out of your life, but complaining and focusing 100% on yourself when you have a partner doesn't seem right in my opinion. Love should be about supporting one another, good or bad, better or worse. Help him! Offer advice, don't tell him what to do. But that said, I think you should just break it off for his sake. You are both not at the same level in life, you're on completely different paths, in completely different state of minds, and if he is so disruptive to yours, then move on. He too will find a way to move on, and one day he will fight the depression with the right encouragement and his own strength. Then you'll both be happy.

I agree with Sasad. I'm not entirely sure how you read about her making sure he gets up, goes to work, repeatedly checking on him while he's at work, and staying up late with him to make sure he's alright, and came to the conclusion that she's selfish and self-involved. She's doing quite a bit for him. A bit more than she really needs to, if we're honest.

OP-
He isn't going to change if he doesn't want to. You would certainly be better off without someone who's going to possibly bring you right back down to where you were before, and there's nothing wrong with cutting ties in order to keep yourself in better health. You've gone through so much to get to where you are, and you don't want to start moving backwards. It doesn't necessarily mean either of you are bad people, just that you're simply not right for each other. His depression is not your responsibility, and while it's good to want to help out your partner, there's only so much you can do and it's unfair for the entire burden to be placed on you. Hopefully he's able to find it within himself to want to change, and he gets the help he needs. But again, that's something he needs to come to on his own.

[maybesomeday]

I saw, but I also read where they said his late hour sleeping habits keeps her up (when it's her choice to stay up with him regardless, so she shouldn't complain), and that she feels neglected and put on the backburner, second to his depression. Everything is always second to depression when you're going through it. The OP should know this if she has experienced it herself. So she should understand it, and understand it's not necessarily his choice. Depression isn't a choice, and neither is anything that comes with it. I just feel she shouldn't be willing to leave him just because he's having a hard time; she can't change him, but she can be a support system for him, also possibly not focus so much on the negative he brings to her life all the time. She can always take a step back and still be supportive, just so what he's going through doesn't affect everything in her own life.

I also don't disagree with anything you've said to the OP either. My perspective is just different.

@Sasad I agree that relationships aren't one sided. He has tried to put in effort, even tried to overcome depression for this girl after being pushed to. But he can only do so much in his situation. Some relationships aren't always 50/50, I believe he's trying but it's just hard for him with everything else he's dealing with.

[snow]

I saw, but I also read where they said his late hour sleeping habits keeps her up (when it's her choice to stay up with him regardless, so she shouldn't complain), and that she feels neglected and put on the backburner, second to his depression. Everything is always second to depression when you're going through it. The OP should know this if she has experienced it herself. So she should understand it, and understand it's not necessarily his choice. Depression isn't a choice, and neither is anything that comes with it. I just feel she shouldn't be willing to leave him just because he's having a hard time; she can't change him, but she can be a support system for him, also possibly not focus so much on the negative he brings to her life all the time. She can always take a step back and still be supportive, just so what he's going through doesn't affect everything in her own life.

I also don't disagree with anything you've said to the OP either. My perspective is just different.

@Sasad I agree that relationships aren't one sided. He has tried to put in effort, even tried to overcome depression for this girl after being pushed to. But he can only do so much in his situation. Some relationships aren't always 50/50, I believe he's trying but it's just hard for him with everything else he's dealing with.

She also understands though that his depression, if he is not willing to work on it, could cost her her progress. Getting over an addiction on top of depression is a huge thing and having to constantly work on someone else's depression could trigger hers, could trigger going back to pills. She is not selfish, she is careful.

To the OP: I do think your partner needs support and his depression is something that you can't ignore, but making it all about the depression isn't healthy either. I totally get the feeling of being second to it and that's something he might not see because depression is all he sees. Talk to him, make him see how you need him to be a partner in this relationship, you need him to make time for you.

[maybesomeday]

You've basically said to the OP what I have, just in a nicer way. And I have already said that she could possibly take a step back so that his depression isn't bringing her down constantly.

[sasad]

You've basically said to the OP what I have, just in a nicer way. And I have already said that she could possibly take a step back so that his depression isn't bringing her down constantly.

I think that was your first mistake. He's probably going back to his "old self" because he was pushed to change in the first place. He obviously wasn't ready to; he probably hasn't stopped being depressed, he's just found a way to work around it to please you, but it's failed because he wasn't ready in himself! I don't know this guy from a bar of soap, but I'm feeling sympathy for him; he's not getting any support from his partner whatsoever, instead he's getting ultimatums and someone who is completely selfish and self-involved.

you said she was completely selfish and self involved..that's what we are talking about.

[maybesomeday]

I've already explained what I meant by that.

[terra.hunt.]

Thank you all! Even the negative comments towards me! I actually had to step away from the relationship, he threatened to kill himself and called me and said goodbye. I went full on depressed and relapsed and am now in the midst of going back to therapy to rid myself of my burdens.

[snow]

Thank you all! Even the negative comments towards me! I actually had to step away from the relationship, he threatened to kill himself and called me and said goodbye. I went full on depressed and relapsed and am now in the midst of going back to therapy to rid myself of my burdens.

Be good to yourself! You've made it before, you'll make it again!!