Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Have I been too pushy?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Teens Have I been too pushy?

    Hello
    (this is my first post so I appologize if it's too many details)

    I've been in a long distance relationship for 5 months, I met him online and we spent ~4 months in an rpg together where we later startet to talk privately aswell.
    It's my first relationship so I'm not too sure how to handle fights etc

    Even though we text each other daily, we haven't videocalled yet.
    We tried a voice call which didn't go well because of too much wind, my little sister videocalled him for a few minutes (which made him uncomfortable) and we've been in one or two group calls (without video)

    For the last 3 or so moths, i've been very pushy about the subject.
    I asked every weekend (since there's a 6 hour time difference)

    Last week, I asked if he'd like to call on this saturday (so yesterday) since it was our 5 month anniversary.
    He said that he'd try... anyways, when I asked him yesterday, he said he has to go help a friend. (No problem with that)
    I was pretty dissapointed, since I felt like he had all week to tell me...
    (After re-reading the conversation today, I've noticed that he didn't know in advance so I was beeing unfair to him by thinking this)

    We started talking about the topic and he asked *why* it's so important for me to Skype.

    I had to think quite a lot about the reason tbh... so I'm not sure and I'd like to ask my first question right here (just in caps so it stands out, not to be aggressive):
    IS SKYPING IN A LDR MANDATORY, IF YOU MET ONLINE?

    Anyways, I went on to explain that (I'll copy messages in here)
    "Well ... there's a difference between actually talking to a person and just writing...I want to see and hear you too... of course it's not mandatory.... but I just like to call or videocall with people I can't meet in person once in a while because it's closer to a real conversation...I guess it just feels like the person is actually there...Like...even if there is no talking, i've spent several hours skyping with a friend and not having a conversation...it seems kind of pointless now that I think of it... I just like it because I'm less scared of the person suddenly dissapearing or stuff...i don't know...sorry"

    He then told me that, videocalls never went too well for him and the other person allways endet up insulting or saddening him (I'm not going to copy his messages since that would be rude)
    I then asked if my little sister insulted him in a way.
    He said that she didn't, but that it made him uncomfortable about calling me specifically since unexpected things like that, make him nervous.
    (I hid under a blanket during that call because my hair looked horrible... that's a stupid reason but still)

    I then asked what exactly made him uncomfortable about skyping, because I wanted to know if I'd be able to provide a safe environment for him, or if something that bothered him was bound to happen in a call with me.

    He told me that it was partly due to his anxiety (for example; one-on-one conversations with nothing else going on) and because his parents would come in.

    The topic then shifted to his parents not willing to give him privacy or trusting him, and me beeing unable to understand the situation (which is true, since my mother is very different)

    I then told him that I didn't want to call as long as it made him uncomfortable, to which he replied that he doesn't believe me and doesn't expect it to change.
    (He's right about that, i'd still want to but the price would be too high for me to really DO it)
    I explained that to him, and he hasn't replied since (about 15 hours ago)

    I fell asleep while waiting for a response and woke up at half past 5 which is when I wrote an appology (i'm not going to put it here due to many many typos)

    He hasn't read the appology yet, and is probably asleep now.

    (I'm afraid of asking family members or friends for advice, since they'd probably say something along the lines of "if he refuses to call, he's probably catfishing you" or tell me to break up)


    •Have I been too pushy about the subject?
    •Should I fully drop the idea of videocalling? (I don't want to or think I really COULD drop it)
    •Is there a propper way to apologize to him?
    •Is there a better way to pursue the topic of videocalls?
    •How do you deal with parents that butt in in the middle of calls, when explaining them would do nothing?

    (Edit: 2 questions have been removed)
    Last edited by Leto5Lato; January 14, 2018, 05:24 AM.

    #2
    It is important, imho, to be able to see each other. How do you know if he is who he says he is? May be he has to hide somethings since he every time outright refuses to see you. May be he is not who he says he is, or he is in married... Don't want to blow your hopes, but this is a red flag to me.

    • In my opinion, after 5 months, you are not too pushy.
    • I wouldn't drop the idea. As I said, for me it would be a red flag.
    • Why would you apologize (again)?
    • No, I think you did what you could.
    • Is he an adult? Then he should just say to his parents (if that is true, of course) that they should leave him alone.
    • Don't mind it.
    • I don't know, I can't read his mind. You should ask him.
    Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

    Comment


      #3
      First of all: Thank you very much for your reply.

      he is 16, so just telling his parents to leave is not an option...
      I'm pretty sure he's not lieing about his identity (I know one of his friends, who live in the same place as him)

      Appologizing is a lot easier than fighting, I already get my opinion through with everyone else.
      My main priority at the moment, is to solve the problem so it doesn't end up as a bigger argument.

      I'll delete/edit the last question, there's really no way a stranger wouly know that ^^"

      And: Are there any other red flags to look out for?

      Comment


        #4
        Sorry if I have been harsh. I understand that he can't tell his parents to leave. Just why don't they trust him? I know that apologizing is easier than fighting, but on the other hand, if it is important for you, there must be a way for him then. It's not the intention that you are always apologizing because he can't do as you like. I have been in a relationship - marriage - where my wife was always right (or so she thought) and I always ended up apologizing, with her gumpily accepting at. In the end, I could take no more of that. I felt like my needs were not being taken seriously. What I really want to say, is that you show him how he can treat you. By always apologizing, he'll learn that no matter what he is doing, you'll be the wiser and say you're sorry, even if you didn't do anything wrong.

        I am happy that I am wrong about a couple of things, though. Still, you need to figure out for yourself what you think is more important for you: camming or not. And if the answer is 'camming', then either let him understand that and find a solution, or let him go.

        What I think is strange is that he didn't yet reply. And be sure that you show him how important he is to you. I still don't understand you can value yourself less than a videogame, actually, but then again, that might be the age difference.

        As far as I can see, not in your story. May be others do. Don't take my advice for the truth, I'm also only human with my own mistakes.
        Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

        Comment

        Working...
        X