How do you tell the kids?

[Jmoc1024]

Both me and my SO have children. He has a 14 year old son that lives with him and a 7 year old daughter that he is in a custody battle for. I have a 9, 6, and 2 year old. My children are not in the picture at the moment, they live in PR with my father. His daughter lives with her mother at the moment but did ask her father if he had a girlfriend and he responded yes. The situation is his son. He is the one that lives with my SO. His son came to live with his father because he was not getting along with his mother and new husband even though he has known his stepfather for years. The choice was made by both my SO and the son's mother to let the son go live with his father, my SO.

Me and my SO have had the talk about how we have to start letting our kids know that we have found someone special and start including them in this new life. He wants to have the talk with his son and have me meet him, get to know him that way when I come and visit later on down in the relationship it will not be a surprise to his son to see me staying at their home. Which I completely agree. Things should be brought upon the children little by little. His son knows he is always on the phone with someone and he has seen me on Skype. I guess my question is how and when is it the right time to bring the kids into the picture?

[Ahava]

In the case of my children it has happened gradually. They have gotten used to the idea of my SO over a long period of time. We've known of each other and chatted/emailed since early June last year.
I went to see him in the end of October. When he came over after Christmas my children spent one day with us, so they got to meet etc. It helps when your SO has children, likes them and gets a long with them even though they don't speak the same language. Also when we are chatting/Skyping the children sometimes write/talk to him. I would say they are well used to the idea of him so taking them with me to go and see him at some point shouldn't be a problem.
I haven't met his son yet.

[Dezface]

Well my SO's son was only two when we began talking and "dating." But my SO would tell him about me and show him pictures. When I finally met the son, who by then had turned three, he knew all about me. But he was very young and in that aspect it made it easy.

As for a teenager, I think your SO should just be blunt and tell him. At fourteen, I guarantee this will not be a shock to him. If he's already seen you on Skype and knows his dad is always on the phone, he's figured it out. After my mother passed away when I was 11, my dad started dating various women. He thought he was hiding it from me but I could have told you about each one. And I was only 12 when that started. I would have appreciated some honesty, I don't think we as adults give them enough of that sometimes. If you and your SO want to be together, now's the time for his son to know.

[Moon]

I think, at 14, you just tell him. He's not really a kid anymore and deserves to know what's going on. Granted, some 14 year olds are more mature than others, but it shouldn't be too big of a deal for him and he should be able to handle it just fine.

[kruemmel375]

I didn't tell me me kids, ages 15,10 & 9 at the time that I was dating. After a month or so I did tell them, but didn't introduce him until about 3 months of dating. Even then he would not stay in my bedroom. We introduced our kids to eachother about 3 1/2 months of dating on a weekend to Great Wolf Lodge. That seemed to be great timing for everyone I think and our children have gotten along well. His boys were 7 & 9 at the time.
We had been seeing eachother regularly though as we were 2.5 hours away and I only worked part time. I was able to go up to his house quite a bit and sometimes he would come down here for a weeknight.
Hope this helps and good luck!

[Kinderkimber]

He knows his dad talks to you but does he know your a female? Start with that but say GF. He is old enough that he already probably knows something is up. It won't be that big a deal at this age. I would have ur SO tell him about you and answer any questions he would have. Then he could ask his son if he would be ok with you coming for a visit and staying over. If they have a close relationship I would not want to intrude. So if the boy needs time maybe your first visit you stay at a hotel. I would judge it by the boy. Yes he is old enough to know and understand but be careful. Teens can get tricky. You don't want to start off on the wrong foot. So I think it gets for the two guys to sit down and discuss the next step. Give the boy a say and then he will be more accepting. If he feels like his dad cares about his opinion and not just throwing you at him I bet it will work out great.

[Hollandia]

My and my daughter's dad were already separated when I started dating my SO. We had a rough few last years of it, with a lot of crying and yelling and so she was already past the initial pain of the split. I told her point blank, I will always care for your dad and we have decided not to try to work on the marriage anymore and that we were going to be seeing other people.
We never sat her down together, it would have felt more awkward, we each talked to her about it alone.

She was not interested to hear any details for first year, but once she met my SO she was totally on board. The Ex dated almost immediately and brought a bunch of 20 year olds through the house, when she was not much younger then them and she was fine with that too. She handled it quite well.

[farandaway]

my kids have met my SO last summer for about 24hours when I was visiting the US and kids were there also with their father and their trip passed by Boston so I had them for a night. We went to the zoo and swimming and my kids talked to him as if he was any other friend of mine. Of course my kids are old enough to understand already (9 and 10) plus they speak English.

The way the situation is that my SO has not been on his own yet his stepson knows nothing of me yet. We have chatted when he has been home and I've heard him play some instument in the background and heard them talk but that's it. Now when he is on his own eventually I expect that his stepson will find out about me. He is 15 years old and knows about gf/bf stuff