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The pace of the slowest turtle?

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    #1

    The pace of the slowest turtle?

    I was wondering how long it usually takes to introduce the kids to the new partner?

    I have never had to deal with this before, and am curious to what is a general time frame. He has met all 3 of mine and spent time with them, but is still refusing to let me become involved with his kids. He says he wants to move at his own pace and not be pressured into anything, which I respect, but I am starting to wonder why he doesn't want to include me in his life! There has been opportunity, and I have met his oldest, actually knew her before I knew him...

    Plus he is still legally married to their mother, though separated for more than a year, and had a previous GF that got actively involved in the kids' lives before cheating, dumping him, and moving on to get married to another man.

    opinions??
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    #2
    Originally posted by arrah5 View Post
    Plus he is still legally married to their mother, though separated for more than a year, and had a previous GF that got actively involved in the kids' lives before cheating, dumping him, and moving on to get married to another man.
    And this is exactly why you haven't met his kids yet It's not that he believes you'll do the same, but unfortunately, sometimes the new person ends up paying for the old person's errors. His old girlfriend got involved with his kids, then dumped him and he needs to be in a safer place before he'll introduce you. It's not your fault and it's not fair, but it's also completely normal, his kids emotions come first to him. Honestly, maybe you should look at that positively, instead of as a problem, it says good things about him.

    Also, remember, it's only been five months, that's actually pretty short. I think, if it were me, I'd wait til I was closer to the one year mark before getting my kids involved. Good luck.
    Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

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      #3
      Originally posted by Moon View Post
      And this is exactly why you haven't met his kids yet It's not that he believes you'll do the same, but unfortunately, sometimes the new person ends up paying for the old person's errors. His old girlfriend got involved with his kids, then dumped him and he needs to be in a safer place before he'll introduce you. It's not your fault and it's not fair, but it's also completely normal, his kids emotions come first to him. Honestly, maybe you should look at that positively, instead of as a problem, it says good things about him.

      Also, remember, it's only been five months, that's actually pretty short. I think, if it were me, I'd wait til I was closer to the one year mark before getting my kids involved. Good luck.

      This! 5 months isnt a long time really in the grand scheme of things.
      As long as there is air in my lungs... there is a chance

      Comment

        #4
        Originally posted by leonsfangirl View Post
        This! 5 months isnt a long time really in the grand scheme of things.
        True! B and I were on the 6 month mark when we finally met in person and we're still getting to know each other let alone trying to get to know each other's kids. Give it more time.
        February 2012 -- met online
        August 2012 -- he said "I love you."
        April 2013 -- met in person
        June 2013 -- broke up
        July 2013 -- back together
        August 2013 -- 2nd visit
        October 20, 2013 -- He proposed!
        April 22, 2014 -- Married/closed the distance!

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          #5
          Yep - what Moon said. Whether it's right or wrong, many people will take a situation that burned them before and will guard against that with whomever comes next.

          My SO and I were a little different because we have known almost half of my life. Our kids were aware of the other person, even if only as friends before we got together. His son wasn't even surprised and guessed immediately that we were together. Just give him a little more time so that he works it out on his own and feels ready. He's just trying to make sure his kids don't get hurt too, you know?

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            #6
            I guess you guys are right, I suppose I am just tired of paying for the things SHE did to him... I have known HER for years, again due to the youth groups we all grew up in, and she and I have NEVER gotten along. I have always thought of her to be a class A Bitch, so I suppose that makes it feel worse to me, like he considered her to be "worthy" of being involved with his family, but not me...

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              #7
              i would advice u to give him some more time as its just been only 5 months since uve been with him....! so just relax and let things happen with the flow!

              Comment

                #8
                Originally posted by arrah5 View Post
                I guess you guys are right, I suppose I am just tired of paying for the things SHE did to him... I have known HER for years, again due to the youth groups we all grew up in, and she and I have NEVER gotten along. I have always thought of her to be a class A Bitch, so I suppose that makes it feel worse to me, like he considered her to be "worthy" of being involved with his family, but not me...
                It does suck, but I think it happens to all of us, especially as we get a little older, and everyone brings some baggage with them. Sometimes it takes people a while to get past previous traumas, and really understand that you aren't like their previous partners. I know it took mine a frustratingly long time, and I couldn't stand it.
                Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

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                  #9
                  If it makes you feel better, I am like your guy. I've been divorced for 3 years and not ONE of the guys I've dated since then have met my daughter. I simply don't want her to get involved until I am sure the relationship has the potential to go the distance - I know how loving and sensitive my daughter is, and it tore her apart when her father and I separated. I just couldn't do that to her again, or over and over.

                  Be patient. Your patience will be rewarded.


                  When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

                  True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words

                  When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can ever tear them apart.

                  1 universe, 9 planets, 7 continents, 194 countries, 50 states and 10 provinces...and I had the privilege to meet you.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    I too have been divorced for almost 3 years, and this is the first guy I have introduced to my kids. I haven't felt a click with any of the guys I dated (who were few and far between). But I KNOW this is the guy for me, so I let my kids become invested. He is planning to move to us, and live with us, and he is bonding with my 3 kids quite well.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      I would be worried that he is still married. Is that the reason? But he may also be skiddish because of his past GF problem. Introducing kids is an extremely big step. His situation is even further complicated by the fact that he is still married and the last GF left. He is probably trying to protect his kids and himself. Think about it from his point of view. How has his past relationships been? Has he gotten hurt? Has his kids been effected? My SO's kids had a really rough time with their mom. Not a healthy relationship. So he was slow in letting them know the full extent of our relationship. He wanted to ease them into it. Feel them out to see how the were with the idea. A parent knows their children and what is best for them. If his kids have been hurt he is most likely just trying to protect them and not trying to hurt you. Give him some time. If it really bothers you then express it to him in a very non threatening way. Just tell him your feelings. Don't push him but let him know where you are coming from and that you want to understand his side. He needs to feel in control of the situation. Don't take his power or demand. He will open up and it will work out. Just give him time. It's hard but men can't be pressured.

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