NEW TO LDR

[yubashini]

hi,

i'm new to LDR. Met my partner through the online matrimonial website.

im a divorcee with a 5 year old daughter. My daughter is with me and currently i stay with my parents. It has been 3 years since the divorce and MY Ex (who wanted the divorced) (as i later found out he was having an affair during our marriage) has visiting rights for my daughter. He married that person (even before the paper was finalized) and now has a kid already with her.

It has been a month since i know my SO and we kind of connected immediately when we first chatted. He is also a divorcee (wife was cheating on him) so i guess we could relate to each other experience. Though i know its not long and there is still a lot to know about a person. But we are both not young anymore (im 34 he is 38) and he has even proposed marriage to me. He is planning a visit in December.

Actually, i need some advice on my daughters visiting rights. My ex threaten to take my daughter from me when i did not want agree for the divorced. He then send papers claim full custody of the kid. i had to reply and fight in court for custody of my daughter. Now if i migrate, my ex will surely create problems (cause he hates to see me happy). i have mention this to my SO and he has said to have postitive outlook and everything will turn out for the best.

But im worried - do anyone face this problem before. Any advice on how to inform my EX about my migrate without sounding "Happy" about it. Then, he will just not agree (as he is a spitefull person).

Thanks
REgards

[alizee]

I don*t know if this is the right way to see things, but I believe your ex-husband should be happy to see you happy, because if you*re happy then your daughter will be happy. I guess he want his daughter to be happy, right? He is already married, so why can*t you have the same right to find happiness with another man? I know that he is from another country and this might be hard on him, because he will see his daughter rarely, but maybe you 2 can work things out.
Wish you all the best and hopefully your ex gets wiser and see things differently!

[Mellow]

Welcome to LFAD! I'm sure you'll find the support you need here, and maybe even the answers to your worries. I can't really help you with it myself... I agree with Alizee. It has been a few years since you guys divorced, so maybe the doesn't think like 3 years ago anymore. I think you only know what he'll do if you ask him or... wait when it is actually going to happen. Wish I could help you more

[yubashini]

Thank Mellow & Alizee, for your replies, appreciate your feedback...i reason was also worried is that he fight to have custody but hardly visits her....which i know is good for me.. (as my daughter is not attach to him). But when me and daughter plan vacations (then he insist on visiting her!!). So he is a real pain actually.

i hoping it turn outs fine.

[Mairja]

It's kind of hard to give any good advice as I don't know the laws in your country regarding parental rights and the like. I do feel for you though, because I too have gone through the struggles of having a spiteful ex that will do almost anything to disrupt your life. Even today, 11 years after the last time our son had (forced) interactions with him, the threat of him suddenly "stirring the pot" is still there at the back of my mind - and he has tried to do so on more than one occasion. Anyways, I'm wondering if there's anything your ex can actually do to stop you from moving abroad with your daughter?

[Ejoriah]

I understand that you and your ex do not have a good relationship - I have a couple of spiteful exes myself and I am SO glad nothing ties me to them anymore. However, you did not really talk about what the relationship between him and your daughter is. I don't want to assume that just because he's spiteful to you, he's a horrible father. Does your daughter enjoy spending time with him? Is he being an adequate father, trying to be involved in your daughter's life? Because if he is, then I think it is selfish of you to disregard your daughter's relationship with her father for a man you've been with for a month (!). Unfortunately you have to place your daughter's happiness first, and I think that if your ex has a good relationship with your daughter (regardless of his feelings for you) then he has every right to fight for her to stay in this country where he can see her.

If, on the other hand, he doesn't have a good relationship with your daughter, doesn't really see her that often and doesn't really care, I suggest you stand your ground and do as you please. It might be a long road ahead but eventually he'll get over it.

[Mairja]

Just going by what Yubashini says, her daughter isn't attached to her father, and he rarely visits her. To me that sounds like he doesn't really care that much. However I also agree that it's way too early to start making plans to move abroad when you only met your SO one month ago, especially when there's a child involved.