New to LDR both have children

[mhess831]

I am new to LDR, I was informed I was getting divorced last August, I met my SO in December on a website. We talked and texted everyday from December until now. In July she moved from PA out to California, in August we decided to try the LDR, so far things are going good. She has a daughter who is 8 I have two boys 11 and 5 years old. I am madly in love with this woman, with all my heart. The issue is I am willing to move out to her in the summer, but I can not take my children with me, I share custody with their mother. She can not move back here at this time because of issues with her ex, and her daughter being afraid of him. Not sure how to carry on with this, i want more than anything to be with her everyday, but is it realistic to believe it would work out if I move out there with her? my exs boyfriend is great with the kids they like him a lot, i would still fly back to visit them every chance that I got. just dont know what to do.

[80anthea]

That's a very tough one, I don't think I could personally leave where my young child lives for anyone but it has to be a personal decision. Will her situation change in the future so she can move back?

[Ahava]

I'm in a similar situation. That is why we are looking at 7 to 13 years of LD. He lives in the UK, I am in Finland.
We both think the children come first and that is why we are willing to wait.

[mhess831]

let me also say, we have gone out when she was here, we spent a few weekends together, and in august I went to visist her for 5 days. We will be together again in on month from today, so it is not just on online dating/LDR. I would miss my boys, but as my ex always points out and I tend to agree with her, one of the only things I do agree on with her, i'm more of a playmate than a "father", I always have been. In a way I think they would be better off with hte ex's BF having a bigger roll, he does seem like a good guy, the kids really like him and he is more secure financially than I am. Together they make 5 times what I make, I am torn though.

[Ahava]

It is your decision, but I tend to think that children need their father and mother (unless s/he is mentally very ill/not able to be a father/mother, an asshole or dead). Or would you rather be a stranger to them and let someone else be their father?
I have grown up without a mother and it is one of the things in life that I really would have liked to have had.
I am sure it is the same with children who haven't had their father in their lives. Often when growing up kids (even if they have had a good step parent/adoptive parents) start to think about their biological origins. It is your decision, but I hope you don't make one that you/your sons will regret. Sorry if I sound harsh.

[Moon]

My daughter's father abandoned her, he had better things to do. Regardless if you think you're just their "playmate", you do not abandon your children. They will know that you chose this woman over them once they're older, and they will resent you for it. Your ex-wife's boyfriend is not their father, and should not be stuck with the responsibility.

My daughter is an adult now, and she refuses to acknowledge him, as he of course tried getting back in touch, after he didn't have to pay support any more. That was 7 years ago, she still won't speak with him; she doesn't hate him though, she feels sorry for him, which is worse. Where do you want to be in 20 years? For the record, I never spoke negatively of him to her, she figured it out all on her own. Just sayin'

[Karringtyn]

I was in this situation...but I was the woman. He moved here for me. He missed his children deeply. It was not a good situation. We had other problems but ultimately...after a year and a half he resented me for "making" him move. He now has his kids around him and is so much happier. No matter what male role model is in your children's life....YOU are the Dad..... it is a horrible situation to be in......I couldn't leave my kids..

[Kinderkimber]

I'm in a similar situation. I am going to court to get permission to relocate my daughter. Have you considered getting your custody papers changed so you have them with you more? I understand you problem. I refuse to leave without my daughter. It's always hard. What about her getting her custody papers changed so she can move since it doesn't sound like that is the best situation for the child being afraid. Don't give up.