New to LDR & Forum

[Rachelm920]

Well... my story goes like this.
Once upon a time when I was 13 I met a boy who stole my heart. We were young, and did things that young people do. Needless to say, as most middle school relationships go we broke up. However I never forgot this boy but honestly thought he forgot about me. I moved to the other side of the state, and in 1993 there was no cell phones, and the phone calls were long distance etc. I ended up in another relationship in high school, and had a child. Things didn't work out with him, so years went by, failed relationship after failed relationship. Then I met someone who I thought I'd be with forever, we married and had a child together. The relationship ended abruptly for reasons I wish not to discuss here, but I would like to say it is better for me and my children that it is over.

You've gotta love & hate Facebook. Over the years it has created drama as well as been an asset to me. Nearly 4 months ago I'd say it was an asset... or at least it seems that way so far. Yeah that boy. He's not a boy anymore, just like I am not a girl anymore. After my maiden name went back up on FB, along came the friend request.. from the boy ahem MAN who stole my heart all those years ago. Honestly when I saw the request my heart did a pitter patter. OMG he remembers me too? No we just have schoolmates in common that's it.... Then the "likes" started coming... Then the famous Facebook message "hey this is my number text or call me sometime". HEART TO THROAT. Of course I text him, and we talk and talk and talk and talk and YES he does remember me and YES he does remember our romance and YES he looked for me in high school and couldn't find me.... Before I know it, I'm loading my car for a trip 300+ miles to see him. No he doesn't live in our state anymore.. I do but he's moved. Needless to say we've been together ever since. My heart is stolen AGAIN.

Now onto the hard stuff. I find it very VERY hard to deal with some days. I feel like I am unfair to him sometimes, my ex left me a mess and although it's been a year I'm still dealing with a lot of residual "crap" from that relationship which isn't fair to my LDR love. He knows about everything, we've both been very open and honest since the beginning an asset I absolutely ADORE with him. But for some reason I can't get the crap out of my head about him hanging out with other females... about maybe having too much to drink and oops... who are you texting since you didn't answer my text?!? etc. I feel like a psychopath. Then other days I am fine. I avoid highways because I'm afraid I will just start driving to him and not come back. Yeah it's BAD. Today was an ok day then it turned bad. I started questioning his female friends again. He doesn't understand why I don't trust him. I'm afraid I am going to lose my 1st love again... Is this typical? Did I try a relationship too soon? Honestly most days I just want to pack up my belongings and leave to be with him. That's stupid I know I have responsibilities to tend to. My oldest has a close relationship with her dad, and is about to graduate soon. She'll never want to leave, and I really don't want to leave her either. I have a decent job, an apartment, a car payment... yeah so picking up and leaving isn't really an option here. He doesn't want to move back here either (and honestly I don't blame him lol). I told him today that I am just green with envy because these other people get his attention and I'm far away and can't get it...

Alright I've rambled on enough I guess it's time to hit the old "submit" button and see some responses. Feel free to call my crazy, I already know that lol.

[mellif]

Wow; sounds like you've had a rough road, friend. You're not crazy, you're just excited! And I'm sure more than plenty of us know how that is. The psychopath thing is also normal, and not because the person is an actual psychopath-- it's just because we miss our SO so badly, and want to feel their presence more. However, it IS a long distance relationship, and we eventually learn to let such emotions go. You can't have their presence 24/7 and they can't have your presence 24/7. It's important to keep a balance of priorities in LDR's; don't constantly worry or think about him, go out and have fun every once in a while. Watch a movie, hang out with friends, anything. You need to find your own comfortable pace, so that you're not as emotionally stressed about him and can still be happy and enjoy yourself in the present. Reading some success stories around this forum might help ease your mind, like it did for me!

As for trust, I realize you've had a lot of bad relationship experiences, and that's tough. I haven't had a lot of experiences with dishonest guys, but I do know that neither I nor my SO would risk losing what we have. Our love is really strong and special, and we know that no type of cheating would be worth losing that. If you feel like both of you truly value your relationship, then I wouldn't worry about him. Just remember that everyone needs a variety of friends, despite gender. I know plenty of guy friends and their girlfriends, and they joke like most guys do, but wouldn't ever make a move on me or a girl that isn't their girlfriend. And don't get into the "I trust him, not the girls" type of mindset, because even if girls throw themselves at him, if he says he really loves you and wouldn't cheat, then he won't succumb to such women.

LDRs are rough but that's why we have each other around here. Welcome to the forums~

[Hollandia]

I had some bad experiences in the past too, my first husband left me for a female "friend" and so I know how you feel. The LDR paranoia we get sometimes does not help. I will say that you need to find another outlet for these feelings. Use us here, us a CD friend or family member but don't continue to grill your SO or you might truly lose him. You can be married in the same house and have 12 kids with someone and you they can cheat on with their co-worker or family doctor or just about anyone. In an LDR you have to have trust in your partner even more so. There is nothing wrong with settling ground rules that are agreed upon by both but once you do then trust that your SO is following them unless you are shown something otherwise.

I would go insane if I sat around and thought about all the insanely gorgeous women that lives near my SO. That he goes to school with or that he works with. You just can't think that way. How would you feel if you knew your SO was sitting around fearing you would sleep with every attractive man around you? It might seem flattering at first but then almost creepy. My SO is an attractive man and I hate the way women smile and flirt with him (in front of me, some women are just low class)sometimes but they don't have him, I do. I trust him. It is just something you will learn to deal with. Please feel free to PM me if you want.

[Rachelm920]

Thank you both for your kind understanding! Hollandia, my SO is attractive also, so that just builds on my insecurities. He was upset with my accusations last night, but it seems things have died down this morning after he slept on it. He just phoned me and was his cheerful self. I am definitely planning on using this forum as an outlet for my frustrations.

What hasn't helped our situation is that his ex GF although she left him, kept putting herself back into his life, the texts and phone calls wouldn't stop. She even harassed us on Facebook when we first started dating, calling me all sorts of obscenities in the book (publicly on his page!) because she was jealous the man she cheated on and left was moving on, she wanted her cake and to eat it too, always have him in her back pocket so to speak in case things with the new guy didn't work out. We both had to block her on FB. Dealing with her crap from the onset was tough, and the fact that he kept responding to her stupid text messages and answering her calls despite being with me made me feel insecure. They have NO children together, although she does have a child that he helped her raise but the child isn't biologically his. She also used this child as a pawn to get him to answer her. It was a mess. So I've had this feeling in the back of my mind that she'd come back and he'd take her back... but that's over now thanks to technology and the beautiful "parental controls" through the cell phone company that blocked her from calling/texting him.