Need Advice: SO Has kids, I don't

[Courtney]

I would just like to hear people's opinions. My LDR is fairly new, but there is an issue that is not bad, but it does make me a bit nervous.

So, my SO and I are 15 years apart. I'm 24 and he's 39. He has a daughter who is 17 and a son who is 9, both from different mothers. I have an idea of how I'd like to approach the situation, but I am a little nervous that his daughter is only 7 years younger than I am.

My second step mother was great! She treated my brother and I the same as she treated her own daughter. We always did family stuff together when I went to visit my Dad and her in the summers. Her and I have a 13 year age difference, so also fairly close as well. I'd like to emulate her as much as I can with my SOs children when that time comes.

If my SO ends up moving down to the states to be with me, (he's currently in Alaska), his daughter wants to go to University wherever he is, so I want to make sure I make a good impression on her. She'll most likely be living with us or living very close to us and visiting a lot. Which, I want to make clear is not a problem. Children now don't really become independent from their parents until they are out of University, so that in my opinion is not an issue.

I'm not too worried about meeting his son at this point in time, because it probably won't happen for a while. I also think that if I can establish a good relationship with his daughter, then establishing a good relationship with his son won't be as difficult.

So, I would like to hear people's experiences with meeting their SO's children and how that went and maybe what to be prepared for.

[snow_girl]

I don't think you should be looking to become a mother figure to this girl. She is 17 and is probably not all that keen on the idea of you. Don't try to be her best friend and be the cool new GF to her Dad. 7 years is not a big difference at all. I don't know really what kind of advice you are looking for but what might have worked for you might not with this girl.

[silvermoonfairy3]

When you say your LDR is fairly new, did you literally just start talking for the first time ever in March, or have you guys been friends/known each other already and just actually started the relationship in March?

I'm just asking because if it's brand new-just met, a month is wayyyyyy soon to be starting to think about meeting his kids, becoming their stepmom, and him moving his family down to where you are. (His daughter, that may be a little bit simpler if she's going to school soon and is preparing for big life changes, but that's uprooting a 9 year old from his entire world.)

As for what to actually do with meeting them, I would second the suggestion not to expect to be buddy-buddy with his daughter, at least not right away. Don't push things, let her come to you if she wants, and let it just unfold.

[Courtney]

When you say your LDR is fairly new, did you literally just start talking for the first time ever in March, or have you guys been friends/known each other already and just actually started the relationship in March?

I'm just asking because if it's brand new-just met, a month is wayyyyyy soon to be starting to think about meeting his kids, becoming their stepmom, and him moving his family down to where you are. (His daughter, that may be a little bit simpler if she's going to school soon and is preparing for big life changes, but that's uprooting a 9 year old from his entire world.)

As for what to actually do with meeting them, I would second the suggestion not to expect to be buddy-buddy with his daughter, at least not right away. Don't push things, let her come to you if she wants, and let it just unfold.

No, we met before March. I wasn't sure how interested he was in me and how serious he was about having a relationship with me when we first met. Also, he lives in Alaska and his kids live in Oregon with their respective mothers. So, I'm not uprooting a 9 year old from anywhere. Also, I'm not expecting to meet them any time soon. With his daughter I'm not quite sure when he wants me to meet her. I'm thinking it will either be in July when he has her for part of the summer or in December when he has her for Christmas break.

I'm more just asking what to be prepared for when I do meet her.

[Moon]

No, we met before March. I wasn't sure how interested he was in me and how serious he was about having a relationship with me when we first met. Also, he lives in Alaska and his kids live in Oregon with their respective mothers. So, I'm not uprooting a 9 year old from anywhere. Also, I'm not expecting to meet them any time soon. With his daughter I'm not quite sure when he wants me to meet her. I'm thinking it will either be in July when he has her for part of the summer or in December when he has her for Christmas break.

I'm more just asking what to be prepared for when I do meet her.

You are overthinking this Be very cautious about setting expectations, or you'll likely be very disappointed, you have no idea how she'll react to you. She could be completely hostile for no reason at all, or she could be awesome. She might also just be a regular 17 year old, who's probably not that interested and will be pretty neutral. Just be yourself, get a bit of a feel for her, and if she's not horrible, just start talking a bit. NOT like a step-mother, or even a friend, but as a casual acquaintance you're meeting for the first time, since that is actually what's going on. Take it from there, and don't make too many future plans regarding her, just let the relationship form naturally, if she's a reasonable and rational kid. If you try to push yourself on her, I don't think you'll like the results, so just take it slow and casually.

[Ahava]

I haven't met my SO's child yet (only on Skype).
He has met mine several times.
Neither of us is looking into being a step parent for the kids. His relationship with mine is friendly.

I think you have been given some good advice from other posters.
I would just like to add that take things slow. You have only known each other for a little while and I think should be concentrating on your relationship and getting to know each other and just enjoying that.
As for the kids, I would think there is no hurry in meeting them. Especially regarding the younger child I think it would be better that your relationship was on a solid ground, so that you've known each other long enough for it to be serious before you get introduced to his children. Young children get attached easily and if things don't work out they will also be affected by the break up.

[lucybelle]

You are overthinking this Be very cautious about setting expectations, or you'll likely be very disappointed, you have no idea how she'll react to you. She could be completely hostile for no reason at all, or she could be awesome. She might also just be a regular 17 year old, who's probably not that interested and will be pretty neutral. Just be yourself, get a bit of a feel for her, and if she's not horrible, just start talking a bit. NOT like a step-mother, or even a friend, but as a casual acquaintance you're meeting for the first time, since that is actually what's going on. Take it from there, and don't make too many future plans regarding her, just let the relationship form naturally, if she's a reasonable and rational kid. If you try to push yourself on her, I don't think you'll like the results, so just take it slow and casually.

Moon is wise.

When my dad was dating I hated when his girlfriends would try to "bond" with me. I didn't not like them, but I also didn't want to "hang" with them. I think if my dad's girlfriend were that close to my age and she tried to "bond" with me, I'd be even more standoffish.

(My dad is married now and I love his wife. She's great, but she doesn't try to be my mother. She's interested in my life, but not overbearing. She comes to family events, but she knows she's just a recent addition [they married two years ago] and never intrudes. I think she's been an excellent "step mother")

[Courtney]

Thank you for your advice everyone! I really appreciate it!

It was just a topic that was on my mind and my SO had brought up a couple times, so I just wanted to get some incite from others who may have been or are in the same position. I don't expect to meet his children for awhile.

Also, when I said I wanted to emulate my step mother, I didn't really elaborate, but she did exactly what you guys have explained. She didn't try to replace my mother or push me in to liking her. It just gradually happened over time that we became very good friends. Even after my dad and her divorced I still consider her part of my family and we talk regularly. I've known her now for over 15 years, so I do know that these types of relationships take time to build. I did not like my first step mother at all, so it must have been terrifying for her to meet me when I did have an expectation of the evil step mother.

Like Moon said I think I am/was over thinking it. My SO and I had talked a little about it and it started my mind reeling in all different directions.

Thank you everyone for your advice!