LDRs when one has a child...could use some advice

[Dave12314]

My SO has a young child that takes a lot of her attention. She is still fighting custody and right now they switch off. The times she has her child, we rarely are able to speak. I don't have any children and i often dwell on how much I miss her when I don't get to see and talk to her. I know that it is a selfish way of thinking and we have discussed it. I try my hardest not to add stress or pressure on this point. I know when we CD that it won't be an issue as I will be with her, it's just difficult to deal with at times. I understand that she needs that time and that her child must take priority. She is a great mother and it is one of the things I admire about her as I want to have a child with her in the future. It's not something we fight about, but sometimes it's difficult taking second place in the life of the person you love. We have been open and honest about this with one another and it does help to talk about it. Is there anyone who has been through this before that can offer me any advice on how to cope with this situation?

[Ahava]

We both have children. I have two aged 6 and 10 who are with me 50 % of the time, he has one aged 12 who is with him every weekend + one evening a week and 2 weeks in the summer when he has his holidays.
The kids are priority number one. I have to admit that it has hurt my feelings sometimes when his son comes first. I think you have to just adjust, make compromises and talk about these things.
How old is her child? Knowing that would help to understand the situation more.
Could you for instance Skype in the evenings when she has put her child to bed?

[Zephii]

Neither of us had children when we were LD but I wanted to mention that this:

I know when we CD that it won't be an issue as I will be with her

won't necessarily be true. There will be times they will need one-on-one time, and besides that often when one person is looking after the baby the other may as well not be in the room at all because the focus becomes very narrow.

Being second place is just something you have to learn to deal with, but I sympathise with you as I am learning to deal with it myself. I kind of always knew that once kids come along husbands take the back seat for a while, but I didn't realise that I would take the back-burner for my SO and his two little girls would trump me (I don't have a naturally high opinion of fathers in a parenting role as I never saw that stuff in action before) so it's been a little bit of a challenge. He's quite honest about the fact that I'm not his most important lady anymore, but hey it was nice while it lasted, and in like twenty years maybe I can challenge for the title haha.

I know it can be hard and wish you the best of luck.

[Dezface]

It's hard. both long distance and once you're together. My SO has a now 5 year old. He was two when we got together. I remember one time in particular when we were coming up on a long weekend for him and so his son would be home. We would have almost no chance to chat so I was really looking forward to our Thursday time together. Then his son got pink eye and he had to pick him up from daycare and couldn't talk to me. I was SO upset. Not at anyone, just about the situation. I was having a hard time and needed him and he couldn't be there for me.

Then I moved here and that brought its own set of issues. My SO didn't really know how to include me. Or even if he should. He would take his son to play-in the yard, legos, etc...and not once did I get an invite. I would just go off by myself and clean or watch TV. When I finally brought it up to him, he said he hadn't wanted to force anything on either of us. I understood but explained that if he wanted us to ever exist as a family unit he couldn't leave me out all the time. That part is better now.

I'll tell you this-trying to have a part in raising a kid that isn't yours is its own kind of hell. Now I know some people take to it much better than I have. I hope you're one of those people. Because for me, living with a child that doesn't follow any rules I would have set if he were mine, is rough. Right now he's got a case of the "I don't have to's" which is annoying as all get out. But his dad hasn't done anything about it. Lots of threats, no follow through. I mentioned implementing a rewards/consequences system for behavior but he didn't seem too keen. What can I do? Not my kid.

It's not all bad. My SO and I have a little girl now and her big brother loves her to death. I'm unsure if we'll have any more kids so I'm really glad she has a sibling. And I'm so thankful we have no baby mama drama(hah.) There's been hiccups here and there but for the most part, things have been fine.

It's a tough road, one to think thoroughly about before embarking on. Best of luck.

[Dave12314]

Hhhhhhh