Long Distance with Children...How long can it continue from a distance?

[Phoenix586]

I know there are similar threads, but my relationship is actually really, really new and I just want to know if we even have a chance. I live in PA. He lives in NY. We met at a campsite in PA where we both have property and we met through mutual friends. He has a 4 year old son who is pretty much his only real living relative. His parents are deceased and he has no siblings. I have two daughters, ages 2 and 4. I am legally bound to this state because I am divorced and everything went through court. My ex is a narcissist. He and I have 50/50 custody and he would give anything to find a reason to try to take my girls from me permanently. My amazing man was never married and his agreements with his ex are verbal.

We initially started out as friends. Emailing, calling and texting to get know each other. After a few months, we began to see that we have so many things in common. He expressed interest in taking the relationship further so on October 18th, we went out on our first official date. It was magical. Like two old friends realizing they wanted more. No nerves. No uncomfortable moments. A beautifully romantic dinner and a couple of drinks afterward. We held hands, we kissed...the most amazing kisses I've ever experienced. At the end of the night, we hugged like we never wanted to let go.

So this past weekend, he decided to come spend the weekend with me. Once again, an amazing time. We had a magnificent evening at home. A beautiful home cooked meal, a tasty bottle of wine, candlelight and a great movie with lots of cuddling. I slept like a baby in his arms. Everything felt so comfortable, like we'd been together for years.

He left, saying he couldn't wait to see me again. Then a couple of days later sent me a very sad email. He said that he is starting to have serious feelings for me but he's terrified because he doesn't see how we could possibly make this work with our kids and the distance between us. He said he felt heart broken because he feels like he has finally met the person he would be very happy with and just doesn't know what to do now.

My mother, who is my best friend, seems to think he was looking to see if I'd just call it quits or tell him we can find a way through this. So late last night, after not being able to fall asleep, I wrote him a long email suggesting that an LDR could work for us for a while. He's at work today until 7pm, so we haven't discussed this email yet. I believe it could work. I'm willing to try. But for how long? I would hate to have finally met someone I am so unbelievably compatible with only for it to fizzle out before it has even begun. That, to me, would just be so incredibly sad. But I have to be realistic...is there any real chance for us given we both have young children and are bound to our respective states for at least the next 10-15 years?

Hopelessly wishing for the best.

[snow_girl]

I think the question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be in a LDR for 10-15 years? Even after that your kids will have roots and it isn't just as easy as picking up and moving once that time is up. To be honest, I don't think it is worth it. You haven't invested any time into this yet.

[Phoenix586]

I think the question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be in a LDR for 10-15 years? Even after that your kids will have roots and it isn't just as easy as picking up and moving once that time is up. To be honest, I don't think it is worth it. You haven't invested any time into this yet.

Well, 10-15 is an extremely long time, I know. But I guess I also don't feel our distance is impossible. I go to NY at least two or three times a month to visit family and friends or to take my mother to doctor's appointments. He's been driving up to PA at least two or three weekends a month for the past two years to go to his camper. It's a two hour drive that both of us are used to making frequently. I know that eventually, he would want to move out of the city. He hates the city and the only thing keeping him there is his son. I guess these things are why I was thinking there may be a chance. It's not easy finding a strong connection with someone. I don't know if I want to give up that easily.

Has anyone had this kind of a situation and how have you dealt with it? Is snow_girl right? Is it just not worth it?

[snow_girl]

You'd have to wait at least till they were 18, that is 14-16 years. It isn't about if I am right or not. The choice is up to you, if you think you can do it then go for it, but personally that wouldn't be worth it to me.

[Ahava]

105 miles is hardly anything. We are in the same boat with a 3 hour flight between us (+2 hours driving at his end).
I'm really tired at the moment so can't give you a great answer as my tired stage probably shows from my text.
We are looking at 10-14 years of long distance (done two so far).
Your situation seems a lot easier. What is the agreement like with the mother of his child?
Maybe he could move to you after some years of long distance if his son lives only 2 hours drive away and you also have family and friends there.
It sounds doable.

If he was in say Australia, I would have to agree with Snow Girl.

[Phoenix586]

Right now, I strongly feel that our relationship would be worth the effort. As I mentioned, we have this connection that I've never experienced before...our relationship started as a friendship and is progressing into more. I've never had that. My past relationships were guys I met through people and immediately started dating seriously and none of those were successful, including my long, tumultuous, unhealthy relationship with my ex-husband. I'm finally at a point where I realize that friendship is so important to the success of the romantic relationship because when the initial heat dies down, there has to be something substantial to ignite the embers again.

I've learned that no relationship comes without work. Whether romantic or just your normal every day relationships, just as a garden needs tending, so do your connections with people. I know there will be trials and tribulations as a result of an LDR. Looking at my post and the few responses so far, I guess I'm just curious as to what kinds of trials and tribulations to expect and what other's have experienced in similar scenarios.

[Ahava]

I would say go for it! Finding someone like you describe doesn't happen often maybe once or twice in a life time. It's not like you can go to a store and buy a new coat.

[Phoenix586]

I would say go for it! Finding someone like you describe doesn't happen often maybe once or twice in a life time. It's not like you can go to a store and buy a new coat.

Hahahaha! Love the analogy. That is how I feel though. This only ever happened to me once before...with my first love. And the reason that didn't work out was we were just too young and that was twenty years ago. Three other relationships between then and now were people I settled for because I couldn't find that same connection. This time around, the connection is even stronger (which I attribute to maturity). I just can't see letting it go before it even begins. I'm 38 years old...not getting any younger and don't really want to wait another 20 years to find this type of connection again! And I also never want to settle for "lukewarm" feelings again. So I really think I'm gonna give it a shot.

As I said, we both take the two hour trip back and forth, several times a month, regardless. So we can just incorporate each other into these trips now and see how things go.

[Ahava]

Hahahaha! Love the analogy. That is how I feel though. This only ever happened to me once before...with my first love. And the reason that didn't work out was we were just too young and that was twenty years ago. Three other relationships between then and now were people I settled for because I couldn't find that same connection. This time around, the connection is even stronger (which I attribute to maturity). I just can't see letting it go before it even begins. I'm 38 years old...not getting any younger and don't really want to wait another 20 years to find this type of connection again! And I also never want to settle for "lukewarm" feelings again. So I really think I'm gonna give it a shot.

As I said, we both take the two hour trip back and forth, several times a month, regardless. So we can just incorporate each other into these trips now and see how things go.

Some people travel two hours to work everyday.

[R&R]

You two are close enough that it's not an impossible task. With being less than two hours away, this gives you plenty of opportunity for real time with each other to decide if you are looking to make a life-time commitment to each other. If you find that you do, there are lots of ways to make custody work when you are that close.

[Phoenix586]

Some people travel two hours to work everyday.

My aunt and uncle both do! It's rough but they say it's worth every minute of peace and happiness they have when they finally get back home. I suppose it could be like that when you come home to someone that makes you happy.

[Phoenix586]

You two are close enough that it's not an impossible task. With being less than two hours away, this gives you plenty of opportunity for real time with each other to decide if you are looking to make a life-time commitment to each other. If you find that you do, there are lots of ways to make custody work when you are that close.

Thanks. That's my biggest fear, we get closer and closer...decide we want to be together but then won't know how to work out the distance issue, especially with our kids. I really appreciate your insight.

[heart]

I'm just curious how this has worked out for you. I'm pretty much in a similar situation. I'm very much in love with a person who is in a different state than me, and we both have young children. I think we both realize we aren't going to be living in the same state anytime soon, but it's not really a focus. We do things like drive and meet half way. He has met my son recently and maybe we can all do things together in the future. Closing the gap isn't really an end goal.

[Moon]

The OP hasn't logged into the site since November 2nd, 2014, so I don't think they'll see your question.

[Blkrncld]

Hello Phoenix586, I'm really new to the forum say like yesterday new. I'm the father of a 10 year boy and I reside in New Jersey (moved about 7 months, long story) so we have shared custody with my ex having primary placement. Every other weekend I make an 8 hr roundtrip trek to pick up my son who is in Ithaca, NY (Upstate) with his mom which for me isn't an issue because I enjoy the drive. Personally I think it's very possible for you to maintain the LDR and come to some middle ground and this is why I feel this way.
As of 3 weeks ago I began a LDR with someone I consider to be my twin flame (soul mate) and she happens to live in Sydney, Australia with shared custody of her 2 children. After careful consideration I've decided to plan on moving to Australia in the next 2 to 3 years to be with her and of course the major concern is my son who in 3 years will be in High school. I've always had a close bond with my son as we separated when he was 4 and I'm planning to take him over to Australia to visit next summer to get an idea of how he likes it. If my plans goes well I would keep him for most of the summer in Australia once I move there and fly him over for week long breaks from school say like Easter and at the same time I'm thinking by the time he gets into HS he may not want to spend every other weekend with his dad (fingers crossed) anyways my SO and I will meet for the first time in September when she comes to visit from Australia but I believe you guys should be able to come up with a solution if the love is strong. I still have a lot of planning to do and I should have time to get it all straightened out over the next few years but I believe the main key is planning. On a side note if my sons mother decided to move back to the west coast and since she has primary placement I would have to sign off on her leaving and I would because I know he would enjoy Seattle but at the same time this hit home for me because if she decided to leave and I had decided to not pursue this LDR in Australia I could end up stuck on the east coast with no love and still not being able to see my son that often...
blkrncld