One Sided or Pratical

[Guevanak81]

So my boyfriend and i have met up 3 times already since we've been together and all 3 times, i was the one who visited him. The odds are more in my favor to go and see him because i get to travel for free, also i have lots of job flexibility where as he does not. We both have children ( he has 2, i have 1). He sees his on the weekends, mine lives with me and goes to his father on the weekends. So we sacrifice our time with our children in order to spend time with each other, but such is the price of love. We both decided that we would close the distance next yr by April when he relocates to my town and that involves him leaving his job, his home, his family, and his children who will continue living with their mother. So i figure that since he's going to be the one moving here and since i can travel for free whenever i want, i might as well be the one to visit him since it makes more sense. Now he was supposed to visit me about 2 months ago but plans fell through at no fault of his whatsoever. And after that situation, he promised that he would come and visit me in December. But now the month is almost over, so clearly that ain't happening because he had to work. So now after that, i have started to become a little resentful of the fact that he has never come to visit me and i have started feeling like this is a little one sided (which it obviously is). I do enjoy visiting him and i wonder if my feelings are valid or not and whether or not i should approach him about it. I try to keep in mind the fact that eventually we're going to be together permenantly and that he will eventually be away from his children all the time to be with me so my sacrifice right now to see him all the time will even out when he moves down, but i wonder if i should still be letting him come to visit me at least once before he moves down in order to feel like he's making some kind of effort. And i wonder if i should hold him accountable at all for the visit he promised he would make this month (even though he couldn't help the fact that he had to work). Am i really doing all the work in this situation or is there an exception in this situation? What do you think?

[differentcountries]

I think he has to meet you on your home turf, as well as your kids, before taking a big step and moving there.

And you have to realize that he will not be away from his own kids "all the time", to the contrary I suppose that after he closes the distance he will use of his limited holiday time to go see them.

[R&R]

I would highly suggest he visit a few times before making the move. I had visited CA a couple of times before I moved there. I truly wish I had spent much more time there before making the decision because I ended up hating it. After 14 months, I ended up moving back to the East Coast and got a divorce. I wouldn't "hold him accountable" if his work has what's caused him to not be able to make it. If you keep track of what you do for someone compared to what they do for you, your relationship isn't going to last. There are always going to be times where one party can do more than the other.

Depending on what he does for work, it may be difficult for him to land a job without already living there, so be prepared for that. When I was planning to move, I found employers wanted to sit down with you, not just phone interviews. It took me a couple of months to find steady employment. When I moved back to NH, I was rehired by a company I had worked for previously, so phone interviews were fine as they already knew me.

[Guevanak81]

f you keep track of what you do for someone compared to what they do for you, your relationship isn't going to last. There are always going to be times where one party can do more than the other.

Lol I wouldn't go that far as every relationship is different, but I do see your point. I wouldn't say that I'm keeping track perse, what I want is to feel like some effort is being made to see me. He tried to visit last time, his kids mom screwed it up for him. He promised he would come the following month and he didn't. So naturally I feel pretty disappointed.

[R&R]

You've only been dating under 3 months. Right now I would definitely be concentrating on getting to know each other and visits over closing the distance. I can understand your frustration about the visits. Unfortunately, it's part of being in an LDR. My SO was supposed to be here for Christmas and that didn't happen due to work.

As I said before, it's very important that he spends quite a bit of time with you before even considering a possible move. Especially depending on the age of his children, it could be awhile before him moving will be a possibility anyway.

[p_b82]

Not wanting to be rude, but you are feeling resentment because two factors out his control, have not enabled him to come and see you - kid's mum and work.... And you get free travel...

Yes it is right that he comes sees you and your place at some point, but at 3 months in that is really quite early to be harbouring those sorts of feelings towards your partner IMO.

It is not as if he has not said he would come, but life gets in the way at times, and you just can't do anything about it sometimes!

[Guevanak81]

Thanks guys! Truly appreciate your input and perspective on the situation :-)