HELP! Need advice if I should continue LDR

[waiting game]

Hey everyone
I have been with my partner for almost a year now. Previously we were living together. But about 4 months ago due to problems with self harm and depression, his mum demanded he live with her about 3 hours away. His mother is a very controlling person and I do believe she will eventually come between us. She makes all his meals for him, controls his finances, controls when he will visit his two kids, controls conversations between his ex wife and the children and even controls his medication by handing it out to him once a day. I already know his mother doesn't think much of me due to past disagreements which makes this even harder. I have told him how controlling she is but he doesn't seem to think anything of it. He tells me he is unfortunately ruled by her as he is living with her and now even has a job in the area he moved to. He seems very settled where he is now and has told me he plans on building a house out the back of his mothers property. He says it's the quickest way we can be together, and financially he is not in the good books so it will be cheap. He says it will just be a stepping stone until we have enough money to live where we want. I personally am going through my own health problems which will be on going for quite some time and I am unable to work. What I plan on doing though is studying in the area I live in which is the closest place that offers the degree I want to do.
I am now at the point where I am thinking this isn't going to work out. I still love him very much and have forgiven him for all his lies and bad behaviour, including lying about having herpes and then passing it on to me and I ended up in hospital.
I really think that he enjoys the long distance part of it as he doesn't have to deal with all the normal problems you get with a relationship, instead he just turns his phone off and tells me he fell asleep.... Really ? In the middle of a discussion about our relationship ???
I'm struggling with the idea of living so close to his mother and moving away from my family and the degree I wish to pursue.
The thing is I can't see this all happening for a very long time. We see each other at least every fortnight but it's getting harder and harder for me to maintain and I HATE THAT HIS MOM IS SO CONTROLLING.
He says he loves me but I kind of feel like I'm being used in a way. Like he gets a break from his mom when he comes down to see me and additional things like -sex.
He is very hard to have an adult conversation with and always turns out to hurt my feelings when I want to discuss things.
I need advice on is it worth continuing ? Should I swallow my pride and hold it out and throw away my life down here and learn to live next to his mom ? I love him so much which is why I am struggling to make a decision. But the longer it goes on the more hurt we both get. Oh and I forgot to mention he only calls and texts when it's convinent for him. Hardly answers my calls and if I text he either doesn't reply at all or replies hours and hours later. I don't feel he is committed . Please any advice would be so appreciated right now.

[Miasmata]

You already answered your own question, I think. When you yourself said it just keeps hurting, you feel used, he treats you like a convenient pleasure, he hurts your feelings, and the mom is a control freak ... You already know what to do. This is not a worthwhile relationship, not in the slightest. You deserve so much better.

[waiting game]

Thanks so much for the reply Miasmata
Why am I so hesitant to break up with him ? Why can't I do it ?
Recently I have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and he has also passed herpes on to me without telling me in the beginning SO I guess I am feeling he is the only one I could have. I've lost pretty much all of my confidence since he gave me herpes and in my head I keep telling myself I will never do any better than him. My mind is a mess

[differentcountries]

Hi, he seems to plan his life without consulting you, and I suggest you do the same.

PLEASE do not put up with relationship crap just because you are sick. I have fibromyalgia which has a lot of the same symptoms as CFS. I also have lots of other health issues. I would not think twice to stand my ground, even at the times where my symptoms were bad, I couldn't work and I was more or less economically dependant on my husband.

Do get treatment for the herpes, and your doctor's advice on how to deal sexually.

You need all the energy you can get. Don't waste it on a relationship with a person who can't be truthful and can't commit.

[Redheart14]

I think you've kind of already decided Hun. It's not meant to stress you out, and it seems that that's all this does. Get your health back on track that's the number one priority. LDR's take two and it sounds likes there's only two when it's convenient for him.

[p_b82]

I think from what you have written you know the answer to this, and to stay in the relationship is going to cause you more pain in the long run. I advise you to break it off if he is unwilling to enter into dialogue, and uses 'cheap tricks' like the falling asleep card. It does happen from time to time, but not if it is used regularly. the fact you say he only gets in contact when it suits you, says that you are way down on the priority list.

Re the Herpes, while it is obviously not a pleasant thing for you to have to have gone through, it is not the end of the world RE sex, while the symptoms are not visible, there is low risk of passing it on, and condoms do work, Yes it is going to cause a slightly difficult conversation I am sure, but don't let this get you down, it won't matter when you find the right man, and you both learn to cope with any flare ups of symptoms, if you get any.

[Hollandia]

Relationships can get like a pair of old comfortable shoes. You know they don't work, lost their traction on them and have holes all over them, and you need to get rid of them, but they are still comfortable to have. Time to throw out the shoes that make you slip and fall and get your feet all wet and cold. It is hard, but I think you know it is time and just having a hard time making that final step in your old comfortable shoes.

[merlinkitty]

I agree with the other advice you've been given, but just wanted to share with you something a friend of mine told me once. When you get married you're kind of marrying their family as well. Any problems they have with their family become yours. You don't like what she's doing to your SO from afar. Imagine what that would be like up close and personal...in her back yard!

[Honour]

If you pursue this relationship, it will in short destroy you. Is that what you want? If so, then move to him. If not, LIVE YOUR LIFE and end things with this guy. He isn't worth the pain and heartache. You can see what it will do to you, and what will happen if you move there. You see all the faults and the pain and lies he's put you through. Lied about herpes?? REALLY? WTF? Are you so blinded by love that you would lower yourself to be with this person who obviously needs help and has little to no interest in you now he has found himself trapped by his mother's will? Get out of this situation. As soon as possible.

Of course, the choice is yours. But I hope you make the right one. For YOUR sake, and for YOUR sanity.

[Miasmata]

Your illnesses do not define you, ever. Someone worth your time is going to see past them and see you for who you really are - A worthwhile person, not just a patient.

[LolaJ]

I am so sorry disheartened by reading this. You're a woman and should be treated no less than that. Your guy should love you and you genuinely feel loved. If it's forced, then something is really wrong. Whilst no relationship is perfect. He shouldn't discourage you, hurt you or deliberately try to FORCE you into things you don't want to do. Dealing with a STD is never easy, but don't let it force you to stay with anyone. He lied to you. That isn't love. This is now effecting your health. You need your strength to get yourself healthy again and to focus on your studies.
As strong as you've been, continue to exercise that same strength to LEAVE him alone. Take Care

[waiting game]

Thank you to everyone who replied and help me gain a better perspective of all of this. I guess I'm not seeing things so clearly now which is why it's been hard to break it off. And I am hardly saving any energy for myself ALL of it is going into this relationship. He has now recently told me he thinks it will be a great idea if organised all the paper work and bills etc for the Concrete business he wishes to start as a new career. It's like he doesn't even regard my wanting to study and work in a professional business. Or does he just not care ? What am I doing with this person I must be very fooled by love.

[Miasmata]

You just keep listing more and more reasons why this relationship is bad for you. Do yourself a favor and please, really try breaking it off. You can do it, and it will be so much better for you.

[waiting game]

I think I have come to a conclusion after many many different but all valid opinions. Tomorrow morning i will break up with him. Don't want to do it tonight because he wouldn't be able to sleep and I would feel rude. Oh and on another note. He has replied to 1!!! of my 14 texts all day and hasn't even called !!! I AM DONE WITH HIM

[p_b82]

Hard as it is -and I know breakups are tough, it sounds to me to be the right thing for you to do.

Hope you get away from this with the least amount of pain possible.