Am I just a secret?

[NAR614]

I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. I have attempted to talk to my SO about it but it doesn’t really go anywhere.
Just a brief update: We dated as teenagers (14&15), I moved to FL when I was 16. We stopped dating but remained friends. He got married and has 2 kids (5&6). I got married and have 2 kids (6&9). We both divorced from our spouses in 2014, and decided to try a LDR.

His family moved to FL, 10 min away from me last yr. both our families know about our LDR and are supportive. we take turns traveling back and forth once a mth to visit each other. we both met each others kids last yr. however we decided to not mention to the kids that we were dating each other until the kids were comfortable getting to know us. last july my kids told me how much they like my SO and how its ok if I wanted to date him bc their father has a gf. So my SO asked them if he could be a part of our lives and date me and my kids happily agreed. However, to his kids i'm still just his “friend”, he never even really told them my name (bc his ex knows he used to date me yrs ago), so the kids made up a nickname for me. I think its really sweet, and I don’t mind it at all. After a while he did say he would correct them but i'm like at this point that’s just how they refer to me. I’ve brought it up to him about mentioning to his kids about us dating and he just says he doesn’t think that they would understand bc they are young and he is just trying to protect them. That offends me bc how else should I take that? When they stayed at his moms house for the summer (while he was in NY) I tried 3 times to visit and the first 2 times she said they weren’t home. The 3rd time she finally came out and said she didn’t think it would be a good idea bc if their mom called or facetimed them, she may see me and be upset that the kids were spending time with me and she may think twice about letting them stay at her house for the summer. that really hurt me bc why should it matter whether i'm around them or not? my SO and his ex are divorced. She has no say in who he can date unless she feels that i'm a threat to their kids well being. I have been honest with my kids father and he knows that I am seeing someone and that he stays with us when he visits. Why cant my SO be honest with his kids mother? It may be something as simple as him wanting to have privacy on what goes on in his life. But when he is able to visit with his kids, he never brings them to my house and when I asked for him to bring them to my parents home with us for 2hrs on NYE, he said he’d rather not bc they would be uncomfortable since: 1) my kids were with their dad at the time & 2) his kids aren’t familiar with my family and he didn’t want them to feel uncomfortable. We haven’t even spent time with just us and our 4 kids together alone yet. Am I being silly about this or am I right for feeling like I’m a secret?

[R&R]

I divorced my girls dad when they were 4&5. They met my ex SO when they were 5&6. They knew he was my bf, but honestly, that really didn't mean a whole lot to them. They knew he was special and they adored him but the whole bf/gf thing is really nothing they care about. It would be for you and your peace of mind for that title. His family and friends know and your family and friends know.

As far as his ex-wife, if he hasn't told her and that makes you feel hidden or upset, then you do need to discuss it with him. There is no reason, if you are a big part of his children's life, that he can't tell her about you. This way no one has to worry about saying the wrong thing to her. If he is okay with you seeing the kids while they are at his mothers house, he needs to make that clear to her. Other than that, she has been put in an awkward situation and she is going to do what she thinks is best.

The NYE scenario - he is the parent and you have to respect his decision about not being ready to bring the kids around. NYE is a big occasion. I would think a much more relaxed setting would be better for his kids to get to know your family. If you want a day with you, him and the 4 kids, then sit down and plan it with him. It really sounds like there is a lack of communication on all fronts.

[NAR614]

Thank you for your reply! It really does help to see it from someone else's perspective. I agree that we really do have to work on our communication. I am planning a trip to a theme park in the summer for just us and the kids! Hopefully the plans stick! Thank you again! 💗

[NAR614]

Thank you for your response. You have brought up some very valid points. The reason I felt the way I did was because everytime he has come to visit with his kids we all have spent time together but it's always at his family's house with his whole family, and when Im interacting with the kids they are always very loving towards me and always very excited to see me. One time his oldest asked if I liked her dad. I replied, "yes, you are very lucky to have such an awesome daddy!" And that was that. Another time when we are playing house with their dolls they have mentioned "you can be our mommy". I'm not by any means trying to overstep my boundaries. I want to do my best to be respectful to my SO and his ex. I just think there has been opportunities for him to atleast be honest with her about having me around his kids. Out of respect. Because when we all have hung out together, he has told me that they have brought me up to their mom (except they refer to me by my nickname) and ofcourse she probably didn't think anything of it because my SO and me aren't affectionate in front of them so what they bring up is probably just what we did that day. i agree that it is good that he does take his time on telling the kids we are in a relationship. My ex has already had 2 girlfriends in the past ur that he had my kids meet behind my back. I have made it clear to him that it would be best for him to take his time introducing who he's with. But he doesn't respect certain things I tell him and he does as he pleases when it comes to bringing my kids around other woman. I have made it clear to him that if he's serious with the person ofcourse I do want to meet her. But I can't stop him from bringing the kids around her. As long as there's boundaries with that. I have to trust that his main priority is to never be careless when it comes to the kids. My SO despises his ex. And has hardly any communication with her, which does bother me bc I don't want her to be defensive towards me and not want to give me a chance just bc of her own issues with him. The reason I wanted to show up at his moms house was bc he had mentioned it to me that I should visit while the girls were there. I have gone to his moms house with my kids while his kids were there (he was in ny at the time) and that was fine. It was just the fact of me going by myself that she felt would be a concern if their mom called and saw me there. He has brought his kids to my families home once before and has mentioned to me that he wants to bring them around more so they can become more familiar with my them, which is why I didn't think it was an issue at the time to bring them over for NYE. I want him to feel comfortable and most importantly like you said, I want it to be at his own pace. It really helps when you can hear someone else views and thoughts. It makes me see things more clearer! Thank you again! 💗

[clairabear]

My daughter strangly havent cottened on about our relationship yet. I hate telling anyone ooh ive met someone then it doesnt work out etc. PLus my children have the biggest mouths in town lol! We are telling my daughters in march when he comes over to meet them. Im fortunate that they want me to find someone. Not just for me but them too. But you never know how they will react. Its only beign cautius i think. I wouldnt worry about it and you need to be strong

[sasad]

As a single mom own and also a stepmom....
First, it's never been MY CHILDREN.. It's both my ex and mine and his ex and his. His ex is a witch and that's why we ended up with custody... She refused to acknowledge me, except as "the whore". ..yes after we were married, yet slept with anyone..that's another story. But they are biologically their kids and I need to respect that .
I do understand your feeling very well. I wasn't allowed to have his kids at our wedding either. He was afraid of how vindictively mean she was and tried to protect me from that. In hindsight, I should have spoken up and drawn the lines.
Fast forward to now, my son and SO get along great! In fact my son keeps planning dates for us and wants us to be together more. I also have to trust my ex. I married him for a reason and have see how good he is with all the kids. I would never stop hi from having a GF or even introducing as a friend. I trust he wouldn't go after some scuzzy dirtbag type at all. I know she will be involved in my kids life, so we need to communicate and keep any hate out. I divorced my husband, I didn't divorce the kids.
So , I do think you all need to talk.. And I think an amusement park is an excellent idea to help blend and hang out..

Just remeber how hard it is for his ex as well...And she will always be there...
Best of luck!

[differentcountries]

I agree that his ex has no say in who he dates, technically, but remember he - and you - has to get along with her for the sake of the kids. That means, rather stay on the safe side of not provoking her. Also, the relationship is fairly new (apart from dating as teens), you have more weight once your relationship has gotten older. Use informal occations to take the first steps. If you try to be patient it may be fruitful in the future. Slowly and steady you will get where you want to be.