He has a child - I don't. Looking for perspective :)

[ThePhoenixRises]

Hello everyone

I was hoping to get a little advice and perspective from those of you with children.

My guy has a daughter (she is 5yrs old). I do not have children. We have been now talking for 6 months and our first meeting will be in some 20 days! Very exciting!

Because I don't have kids myself I really don't have a lot of perspective or understanding of this side of things - and I certainly don't claim to understand what it is like (his ex has custody but he sees his daughter each weekend).

Right now he is on holiday with his daughter for the week. I have noticed that the communication between us (when he is with his daughter) is quite a lot less than what it normally would be. Now of course I understand this and have absolutely no issue with it, as I know that he is having a great time with her on holiday - he doesn't get the chance often to spend a week with her and I most certainly do not expect him to communicate that much to me during those times.

He still sends me messages - lets me know what they are doing, says goodnight, good morning, sends pics through of what they are doing.

However, it is hard for me as our communication drops so much when he is with her. Again, I have no issue with this, but when I am used to having a ton of communication through the week (2 phonecalls per day plus email and chatting), it is really hard when I don't and I would have thought he might take a little time to chat with me perhaps when she goes to sleep. I guess I am wondering if this is somewhat normal - I would love to hear the perspective from someone who has children. I am sure I am just overthinking it. I know that he is quite busy looking after her Am I expecting too much in regards to communication? I guess I have to trust that he is still thinking of me and missing me however his focus is on his daughter this week.

Thanks - just writing this out seems to help. I want to talk to him about all of this but I would much rather wait until we meet first - as it is so soon and I think a lot of things will be easier to discuss when he is sitting next to me rather than over Skype.

[Ella85]

We do talk when SO's daughter is home (he has full custody). However, I have met her. We are also getting married next year and I have a close relationship with her. What you have to remember is when he has her, that is their time. The fact that he is making time to message you is really lovely and shows how much he really cares about you. Especially when he doesn't get to spend this type of time with her. I can't advise much on the other side of things as my SO and I both have our children (we have one each) full time. On my visits over there I will always take care of her as if I would when I was living there.
Sometimes if she is unwell or if they are out doing something he wont contact me but I don't get upset It's good for them to spend time together.

So I think what you are feeling is normal, you are still getting used to things. But the drop in communication is natural and it's nothing to worry about. Just keep being understanding and it'll be fine.

[R&R]

I imagine it is hard when you don't have the experience of having a child.

When my ex-SO and I met, I had two children (4 &5 at the time - now 21 and almost 20) and he didn't have any. The first thing he had to learn was the children always came first. If I had a flight planned to see him and something serious came up with the kids, flights were canceled. If he wanted to talk but the kids had a concert at school, I was going to the concert. It didn't mean I didn't love him but these are my kids and they always come first. They are my responsibility and my priority. He completely understood and handled it quite well. Once we broke up and he had his son, then he really understood what I had gone through.

With the fact that your SO has her such limited times, it is good that he does contact you but it doesn't surprise me that the contact drops significantly. Every single second he has with her is precious and valuable. Not saying that you aren't but this is his daughter and she will always come first for Daddy.

[sasad]

I have been on both sides of this. My ex had his children, and contact was almost non existent when he had them. Now my SO knows my visitation schedule, and plans around it. He knows my children take priority when I have them. It's normal for the parent to be this way...but trust me, it is hard on us having limited contact as well. And we know it will change a lot when we CD.

I agree with R & R.

[Ejoriah]

I dated a guy with a kid some years back. He had his son every Wednesday and every other weekend. The one thing that you always have to remember is that, for good parents at least, children always come first. It was hard for me because I was only 21 and was still a little immature about what I wanted out of a relationship, but I quickly learned that it was simpler to accept that on the days when he had his son, I would necessarily take second place. It did not mean he liked me any less or I was not important, but he was busy being a good father, and that's the way it should be.

[ThePhoenixRises]

Thank you so much everyone for your perspective and advice! Again, I only ask this question because I myself do not have children so I can't claim to understand what it is like on his side. I have already accepted that she is his no. 1 priority when I first found out that he had a child (if I couldn't cope with it, I would not have stayed with him). To me, this is an attractive quality because he is such a lovely and dedicated father to her. In no way do I expect him to prioritise me over her in any way - and never would The way he treats his daughter actually makes me love and respect him more, if that makes sense.

He has kept in contact with me this week, letting me know what they are doing, what kind of day they have had, and asking me how my day was etc. It is nice to get those messages from him during this time as it shows me that he is still thinking about me Dating someone with a child is such unknown territory for me, and you have all been very helpful with your advice. Thank you!

[Unicorn26]

Having young children myself, to give a little perspective on why he doesn't contact you when she's sleeping, I can relate to that. Having a young child is exhausting and it doesn't stop once they're in bed. Quite often they may take time to settle especially when it's exciting time with a parent they don't live with. Also, kids are messy and your SO will more than likely have a lot of clearing up to do and things to prep for the next day.

My SO doesn't have kids, but he knows I will be busy till at least 9pm. Then I try to give him my full attention. It doesn't always happen though ha!

He sounds like a great guy. It's lovely that he sends you pics and stuff. I hope you have a great time when you meet up!!! Excited for you!

[Moon]

There's not much more to say, you've gotten good advice. I just wanted to add that you keep saying you understand, and how OK you are with it, but then you say how much it's bothering you It's OK to NOT understand, and not really be OK with it, you don't have a kid and you don't get it, but you'll learn. Don't pretend that you feel a way that you may not. So now that you know his child comes first, and you'll have less communication when she visits him, you need to find a way to do other things during that time, so you aren't dwelling on not communicating. You've got to find something to do with yourself. If you're very unused to small children, maybe you could volunteer some time with them? It's also a great time to check out something you've always wanted to try, but haven't gotten around to it. It's good to have some time for yourself, take advantage of it. My daughter may not be a child anymore, but even now she mostly comes first wherever reasonable.

[Reyhoney]

I also have a 5 year old and let me tell you, trying to converse with an adult with a child this young on the phone is HARD! I've told my BF to pause or I need to call back at least 50 times in the past 6 months.

I'm sure he's not doing it on purpose, but he also doesn't want to show you the chaotic crazy side of parenthood and risk scaring you.

He's also trying to get the most out of his time with his daughter, parent guilt is REAL. Just take it as a sign that he'll be a great father to your future kids.

[ThePhoenixRises]

Thanks Okay this post of mine is quite old but I was just thinking the other day that I should update it....because since then I have met his daughter and we get along really, really well. There are no issues so far and she is always asking when I will come back to visit - and no, him being a parent definitely didn't scare me away . I absolutely can see that he needs to spend as much time as possible with her and he is a wonderful father, I accepted this from the start and to be honest, it works well for us. I have had several visits to him and several holidays with him and his daughter and it has all been great so far. We will be closing the distance next year which I am very excited about. I guess when I wrote this post I was very new to the relationship, I hadn't met him yet, and I am childfree (by choice) so I had to work through my thoughts about being with someone with a young child - but since meeting him (and her - and seeing what kind of a father he is) I am looking forward to not only have a future with him, but with his daughter too.