Struggling with boyfriend not tell his ex about us

[Nayra32]

His guys I'm new to this but need advice or different point of view with this LD relationship. I've being dating my boyfriend for 14 months now, we live 2 hours apart, see each other 2/3 times a month, he has one son who's 11 yrs, I have 2 boys 4 &5. He has met my all family even spent last Xmas with us. My issue is that I don't understand his fears... he's left his sons mother 3 years ago he supports him financially and has him over 3/4 a week. Yet I haven't met him and he hasn't told his ex about me. The reason that I'm still with him is because I love him and I believe he loves because I've met his parents. His excuses are that his ex might stop him and his parents have access to his son. Now she works 9-6 and most of the days his parents have to pick the son from school and then she picks him up and takes him home. Now my view is that she needs his parents cos she gets help how would she do otherwise??? He started a new job in September and we've agreed to wait until he's probation is over (6 months) to tell her about me. I just don't get why he can't say it now I mean it's been 3 years. I've broken up with him before but he says he can't live without me and he just needs time to do it right. Not sure if I should walk away. He has had 1 previous girlfriend he also left him cos he just can't tell his baby mother. What should I do. Even his own mother said he should tell her. Help don't know what to do.

[snow]

I mean, he has a legit fear. If they are not divorced and only separated, she can go to court and ask for his visitation rights to be removed. I would find out why he is so worried, what is at stake and then see how to deal with it. He's his son, he doesn't want to lose him and that's understandable.

[sasad]

Ask his fear.. if they are divorced, then there is nothing she can really do. The courts generally do allow a non dating clause in a divorce. If they are separated and have verbiage in the agreement about not having dates or sleepovers, then that is understandable. My SO met my 9 year old when I was legally separated from my ex. He was moms friend who hung out and went to dinner or movies occasionally. We had nothing in our psa about dating etc.
At this stage in the game, you need to find out what is he doing

[hmrambling]

Welcome to LFAD!

Your title says ex, so is he divorced? If so, I don't see the problem with anyone knowing that the two of you are dating. Sure, she might petition for changes in visitation or custody. Is he expected to live in fear and not date, or keep his relationship a secret forever? If so, is that something you're willing to live with?

If he is still married, then you are dating a married man. He might be comfortable in this relationship that he has with his wife, and comfortable with keeping you a secret. Are you willing to accept this close-knit relationship that he has with his wife while remaining a secret? If so, for how long?

I was in a relationship years ago where the person I was dating didn't tell everyone we were together. The fact that I remained a secret to some was a contributing factor in our break up. Only you can decide if that's something you're willing to live with.

[Nayra32]

Hey guys thanks to everyone who commented really helpful. But maybe I didn't make myself clear they were never married they just have a house together where she lives with the son and he rents a flat. She has mentioned to him about selling the house and planning to return home (japan) after the son finishes high school. I have told that I'm not gonna wait until then I mean how many people are in same situation as us or even worse, I told him that if he is scared of tell an ex of 3 years ago then something is not right there. Either he's giving her mixed signal's (which he says he's not) or she's stupid to think that he's celibate for 3 years. Not sure I much I can take this.

[snow]

In this case, he needs to man up and tell her. If she tries to take his son away from him, then he can go to court and get rights to see him.

[R&R]

Does he have a legal custody arrangement? If he doesn't, then he needs to get one.

He's introduced you to his family. Obviously, he must not be too concerned that they may mention you around his son or possibly her. I can't see any legitimate reason for him not to say anything unless he doesn't have a legal custody arrangement in place.

My SO has 10 kids and 5 babies mama's (yeah, I know). They range in age now from 15-late 20's. All of them know about me and so do all of the mom's. There was absolutely no reason to not introduce me or tell them about me. If he had kept me hidden for over a year - well, I would have ended it long before the year mark.