Sooo.. We both can't move..

[iHippie]

Hi everyone I'm not really looking for advice. Just need to vent & get things off my chest, really.

My SO & I have been together for around a year & a half. I have children, the youngest being 4. Their father is close by & plays a very active part in their lives. He is a great dad. Clearly I cannot move anytime soon, for many years. I wont leave my children, nor will I take them from their dad.

My SO is in the same country as myself (Australia), so that's a plus. I guess I've been ignoring the fact that it's a good idea to have some sort of plan in place in regard to closing the distance. It's become apparent that my SO also cannot move, due to his work & some other things out of our control. Personal health reasons. It is very important for him to stay where he is. I wouldn't encourage him to move to me. He really needs to stay.

We want to have a baby. In all honesty, I'm desperate for another child. But let's face it.. I'm 34, he's 36.. And neither of us can move. I guess the only thing we can do is wait til my girls are adults, and then I could move. But I don't see myself willing to leave my kids, regardless of their age. My relationship is so, so important, but as all parents know, the children come first. Always. It feels like a lost cause right now, and I don't know what we're supposed to be working toward.

Thanks for reading

[Reyhoney]

I've kids too so I completely get it... it's a really tough situation to be in. I always say if your SO is childless then it's probably easier for them to move to you but looks like it's more complicated than that.

Have you thought about moving with your kids to your SO, but having them spend all summer and most vacation/holidays with their father? I'm not sure how far you and your SO is from each other, but that could be an agreement between you and their father.

Does their father know you're dating your SO?

[iHippie]

I've kids too so I completely get it... it's a really tough situation to be in. I always say if your SO is childless then it's probably easier for them to move to you but looks like it's more complicated than that.

Have you thought about moving with your kids to your SO, but having them spend all summer and most vacation/holidays with their father? I'm not sure how far you and your SO is from each other, but that could be an agreement between you and their father.

Does their father know you're dating your SO?

Unfortunately it is a little more complicated than that.

Oh and here in Australia, our school holidays work differently. We don't have the entire Summer off, but instead have four shorter breaks through the year, and a little longer break over Christmas. Moving to him could be an option, but I'm the primary carer of the kids & I really don't want to leave them for more than maybe a few days at a time haha.

Their dad is aware of my relationship, fortunately he & I get along pretty well.

Pretty much for now, the only way I can move is if my kids' father moves too haha.

I hope this doesn't put much strain on my relationship. It hasn't affected it at all to date, but in my mind it is obviously starting to cause some worry. After all, the ultimate goal of an LDR is to close the distance & right now I can't see that happening for us. I'm trying to not complain or stress too much though, I'm very happy to have someone who loves me, even if he is on the other side of the world. Some people are not so lucky!

[Reyhoney]

Aww I really feel you, but what you said is a really good and healthy way to look at it. We never know what tomorrow holds so we should just enjoy our love NOW, just in case there was no tomorrow, at least we would have enjoyed all of it when we had it.

My SO lives in Sweden, I'm in the US. I've kids and he has none, but we still talk about me moving to Sweden with my kids, but I don't think my ex would agree, and I wonder if that's even a good idea to take them away from their father and into a new country where I know no one but my SO, I don't even know the language. I feel like if I moved there with my kids and dumped it all on him it'd take a toll on the relationship and risk souring feelings.

He said he would move too though, that it wasn't an ultimatum or deal breaker, but I don't know how serious he is.

I'm sorry I couldn't offer a more helpful advice, that's why I shared my own issue too so you can see that it's really normal to go through this, sometimes we think that it's just us with complicated situations and it just brings us down about our own life.

[iHippie]

There is so much more to consider in LDRs when kids are involved.

How long have you guys been together? It's not been quite 2 years yet for me & my SO. I think we'll be one of those couples in an LDR for a super extended amount of time. Like 10 or 15 years maybe. It will be okay though, of course. Situations like this happen all the time, I assume, and it's no reason to cause problems in a relationship. We're completely happy otherwise. Maybe this seems like such a big thing to me because it's our ONLY problem in an otherwise amazing relationship.

I think I need to get out of my own head for a while, hahaa

[Reyhoney]

We've only been together about 6 months so that's nothing compared to you. We haven't even told each other ILY yet!

I think it's fine and doable if you decide to do long distance for this long, as long as you both were happy and it was working out for you.

My sister is married with a child and her husband has been overseas for about 2 years now (long complicated story) but he calls her every single day, sends her gifts for every occasion, supports her in everything and about everything and that's two years of NO meetings at all! What matters is the CONTENT of it! You could be with a man who is right in the same room who barely speaks to you. (Been there)

Our love stories don't have to be traditional or perfect, they don't even have to be constantly happy and cheerful, they just need to be real. I think you'll be fine ☺️

[Redheart14]

I know this isn't any comfort but at least your states are close so you don't have to fly to the other side of Australia. Hang in there, this forum is a great source of support

[iHippie]

Thanks Redheart. And you're right, it is a 6 hour bus/car ride followed by a 3 hour flight, I believe.

[Redheart14]

I'm Qld to NSW so yeah I get how it is.

[AquaOcean]

I'm in Townsville Qld and he is in Cairns Qld - yeah, so close. We both have two kids. I'm not sure if either of us are able to move because our ex partners are in our towns. If I were to attempt to move, I would either have to find a job up there (I have been looking) and also let my ex know in the hopes that he could follow me. My situation with my ex husband is that I left an abusive relationship, so he is very controlling and manipulative, so I can't see him agreeing to me pursuing my happiness. I'm a moment away from lodging my papers to the family court for final settlement, once he stops drowning me in paper work from other government agencies.

In the meantime, my ex is making himself rather comfortable here in Townsville. While he is not begging me to take him back he has enquired about a full time job (he was casual) and he is also seeing a second victim, oh, sorry... girl since we separated over a year ago. I'm kinda worried that him making his life cosy here will also diminish my chances of relocation.

Fingers crossed for both our situations!

[iHippie]

Just an update on this.

My SO and I have had a wide open conversation and it has been made very clear that neither of us are able to move, ever.
I pointed out that we can still marry, and we can do biannual visits, provided we can afford it. And who knows, maybe we'll end up in the same nursing home someday. I asked him would he be happy to live like this.

And he said no.

To me, it is the only way. And I'm happy to accept that, and make the most of it. There is constant talk on here about how important it is to have an end goal to work towards, and while ours can't be closing the distance, it can still be marriage. But y'know, he was honest with me and said he wont be happy living like that.

I'm a little heartbroken. But I completely understand where he's coming from. Completely.

Except that he still wants our relationship. How, when we can't live together but he can't live with us apart. I'm a little sad that he wasn't willing to continue as we are for an indefinite amount of time, and at first I was pouty & thinking to myself "but don't you do these things if you really love someone?" But of course I do understand. But how do we be together when he doesn't want to be apart when that's all we can do? I don't know. We're so perfect together. But what a mighty mess we've gotten ourselves into..

[Reyhoney]

I’m so sorry and sad to hear that. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can’t. If it was me I would have ended it honestly, because with no hope of ever moving or ever getting married, well what’s the point?

I don’t doubt that your connection together is beautiful and rare, but I totally think you can still find it again, isn’t this the beauty about love? It can give you hope for the future that by finding it, you can find it once again. And again.

I know this is so hard to hear right now, but what you are going through now is also hard I’m sure. Just know that you can still find lots of hope and happiness whether this works out or not, you’ll be just fine ❤️

[Moon]

Just an update on this.

My SO and I have had a wide open conversation and it has been made very clear that neither of us are able to move, ever.
I pointed out that we can still marry, and we can do biannual visits, provided we can afford it. And who knows, maybe we'll end up in the same nursing home someday. I asked him would he be happy to live like this.

And he said no.

To me, it is the only way. And I'm happy to accept that, and make the most of it. There is constant talk on here about how important it is to have an end goal to work towards, and while ours can't be closing the distance, it can still be marriage. But y'know, he was honest with me and said he wont be happy living like that.

I'm a little heartbroken. But I completely understand where he's coming from. Completely.

Except that he still wants our relationship. How, when we can't live together but he can't live with us apart. I'm a little sad that he wasn't willing to continue as we are for an indefinite amount of time, and at first I was pouty & thinking to myself "but don't you do these things if you really love someone?" But of course I do understand. But how do we be together when he doesn't want to be apart when that's all we can do? I don't know. We're so perfect together. But what a mighty mess we've gotten ourselves into..

I'm in a similar situation as neither of us can or will move. BUT...I've been doing it for about 8.5 years, and I have to tell you, I'm getting pretty sick of it. You will eventually get tired of going to events by yourself; going to bed alone; going places and seeing everyone else with the one they love; wanting to try out local cutesy, romantic type places, but having to wait until whenever; having bad days, and no one to hug you; holidays alone, like Christmas; no help around the house, ever. And the list goes on and on.

You don't want to be in an LDR forever. No matter how perfect you seem, there's someone else just as perfect somewhere. I'm ridiculously independant, but I'm beginning to realize this was more than I bargained for.

[Redheart14]

It's tough no doubt also trying to organise a wedding long distance is an absolute nightmare too. Unless you do it all yourself without any input from your SO, it's so much more stressful. I'm sorry to hear your update. So are you currently together still or have you officially ended it? I do agree with Moon, it's so much harder than people think.

[iHippie]

Thank you for your responses.

Reyhoney, I said to my SO that we both know that we should end it, but we know we both wont. We just can't. And he agreed with me on that. We have so much history & we both need each other. But what it comes down to is I don't need him more than I need my kids.

Wow, Moon, 8.5 years!! I'm sorry you're in the same frustrating situation that I am. The saying that love conquers all is starting to fall on deaf ears to me.

We are still together, Redheart. This morning I woke up & greeted my SO with a cheerful text, and we both showed our usual humour & everything is happy & fun & as though the conversation never happened. But we both know it did. There MUST be a way around this. He's irreplaceable. I'm not giving up just yet.