International move?

[Flautist2000]

I posted elsewhere, but I'll delete that one, as this seems to be the better choice for forums.

Here's the basics: I have a 6 year old with my ex. He sees her fairly often, but for very short visits (like 2 hrs, once a week) and doesn't take her overnight and refuses to believe he should support her financially (along with many other things that basically boil down to: he loves her, but she's like a toy he enjoys playing with, but won't take care of and won't do things for her unless he benefits--hence why we're divorced). She never asks to see him, doesn't care one way or the other. She sees extended family maybe once a month or so.

I've started dating someone from the UK. Moving here would be financially devastating, given her profession.

To me, my daughter would thrive in the schools near my SO, which get consistent "outstanding" ratings (compared to a 2 out of 10 for her current school system). The cultural and extracurricular opportunities are outstanding. My SO has an amazing network of support from all different walks of life, and is more than financially stable, so I might be able to be home more, instead of sending my daughter to a sitter after school. She only has one set of definitive *best friends* here (who she also only sees in person a few times a year, due to schedules), all the others are still shifting and flexible based on classroom organization. I'd fly with her back to the US to visit every 8-12 weeks, for 1-4 weeks at a time, which nets him MORE parenting time, more QUALITY parenting time, and I'd obviously encourage skype dates during the weeks between, and he'd be welcome to visit a few times a year as well. Knowing my daughter, she'd be sad for a month, but would settle in quickly, and look forward to spending a whole WEEK (Or month, even!) with Daddy, and educationally/culturally would thrive.

Unfortunately, my attorney has informed me that move-away cases in NY are virtually impossible. Even if the other parent would end up with more time, he would still be inconvenienced, and they don't want that. He won't even set up a bed for his kid (and would absolutely not have any precedent for taking her full time even if I were willing to move without her), but he has rights to see her whenever he wants. I don't want to take her away from him, I want them to see each other and spend time together. But I feel like that can be done while I'm happy too.

My SO has said she'd looked into moving here. But realistically, there are no jobs in her "day job" field here. And she also started a business 10 years ago, and letting her lose that would honestly break my heart and make me resent myself. Even if she'd be willing to move to this dump of a city, I'd hate myself for "making" her move.

I don't want to be forced to choose between my SO and my child. We are not at a point where we'd be making decisions on relocation, but if there's no possibility of closing the distance in the next 10 years, I don't think I could do it. We both want kids (me a second, and she's always wanted to parent but never had the opportunity), so time is not on our side (she's already in her 40s, and I'm mid-30s, but unsure fertility) and adopting is not an option unless we're living together either.

Basically, I'm pouty and sad and don't want my heart broken, and I'm hoping that there are some stories here of people who've made it work. If it's impossible, I don't want to drag my SO through my personal stuff for no reason, and end up breaking up anyway because we cant move. She deserves to be happy with someone who can make her happy. I'd survive without her, I know, but I also know I have no intention of finding anyone else.

Merry Christmas, eh? :'(

[Redheart14]

Have you asked your ex about the possibility of moving? I guess other than your SO moving here there's not really any other option other than to wait until your daughter is old enough and then move. Someone always has to sacrifice in a long distance relationship so I guess as much as you don't want your SO to give up everything, it's a possibility of closing the distance sooner.

[Flautist2000]

I know he never would move. The world revolves around him, and even if it would benefit him (which obviously, I understand this wouldn't, but theoretically), he'd deny anything that would make me happy just out of spite. He can do/go wherever he wants, but I'm tied to this crappy school system and stuck in a house that desperately needs repairs, because he refuses to agree to support (so it'll take me a few thousand dollars in lawyers fees to force him), in a city which has higher violent crime than Chicago per capita.

I was just wondering if anyone had had a successful case, where perhaps I could find some hope, lol.

[autumn1790]

You guys have been dating four months and already talking about who's moving where? That seems a little hasty and a little overthinking-ish. There's other things to be enjoying right now as you let the relationship progress and unfold. In my opinion, take a deep breath, slow down, stop building castles in the sky about your future, and spend more time getting to know this woman before you even think of bringing your daughter into the equation. You don't have to close the distance asap to have a successful LDR.

[Flautist2000]

We are not having discussions beyond "would a move be possible if things work?" Because going through all of this only to find out in 2 years that we can't close the distance would be a hell of a lot worse than just calling it quits early. I'm not the kind of person to pursue a relationship without a possibility of a future. But I knew I was in love with her before we made it official (we've known each other well over a year, and she felt the same) and yes, I may be "making castles," but it's also sensible. It's like dating someone when you know you want to settle down and have kids, but never ask if that's what your partner wants. Then you fall in love and want to spend forever with them, but you find out you don't want the same things, and the break up is 100x worse. We're not planning a move. I'm trying to figure out if there's a future we can look forward to, as we get to know more about each other. And the thought that maybe that future isn't possible is killing me right now.

[Redheart14]

From what you've said maybe your SO will need to move. Then once your daughter is old enough you could consider moving? I know it's not ideal but at least you could be together especially if she's willing to move.

[Rezie]

Would it be possible for you to move within your state where your partner could find s job? I have no knowledge how american system works but I've understood (based on nothing) that moving the kid out of state without a permission is a nono, but wouldn't it be possible within the state? You seem to live in New York (?) so wouldn't there be a town where your partner is employable? Also if she has said she wants to move then try not to doubt it and feel quilty.

While I understand that you want to sort thing out, but try not to plan too much after a month.

[Flautist2000]

Each state is different. Apparently, my ex can stop me from leaving the county if he wants. Which also means i can't look for promotions in the larger city offices of my job. She used to work in NYC, but the hours required to be able to afford that were making her sick. It'd be easier than a transatlantic move, but still disgustingly expensive.

I'm feeling a bit better about this today, and I'd try my damndest to get my ex to agree (through mediation), but if my SO is willing to move to this continent temporarily, maybe it's a possibility. Idk. There is hope, I was just being exceptionally emotional last night.