LDR with Kids; Trying to Find Balance

[Pegau]

I live 1 hour and 15 minutes from my SO. Not far by most of your measures, but far enough that I can’t simply see her for an hour and then go home to my kids on “kids” days. We have been together for 18 months, and our kids have been introduced for 12 months. My kids are 11 and 14 and are the most important thing for me. I have 50/50 custody. They are rooted in their school and I don’t want to change their situation. I love and admire this woman immensely; she is everything I wished I could have had in a partner. She has helped me see just how good a relationship can be and she reflects my love fully. It is a wonderful thing.

My SO has a five year old who is starting kindergarten next year. He is somewhat developmentally delayed but he is making huge gains and is a lovable kid. He is very, very hyperactive and difficult at times for my kids to handle being around. He exhausts most people after a few hours. I love him though and I know he will mature.

My SO and I have been very understanding of our situations, until recently. We always told each other that our kids came first. This weekend, though, we ran into our first rough patch. She is furious with me because I was going to bring my kids down to her house so I could go to a social event with her. I don’t generally take my kids to her house where we are in a situation to spend the night. My time with my kids is for them and I to enjoy each other. They do not enjoy going to my SO’s house and sitting around while we do something. They feel like I am dumping them. They also are not equipped to really handle my SO’s son yet as babysitters. He is a handful. My SO was supposed to get a sitter and didn’t. She wanted my kids to watch her son, and I knew exactly how that was going to go. Perhaps once would be o.k., but it isn’t a thing I want to start because I know how bad it will go with my kids.

I’m concerned that my SO is angry enough to break up. Her ex is supposedly a narcissist and she had a horrible experience being second in their relationship. She loves me very much and is happy with me, but today she said some things that surprised me. She stated that she DOESN’T like that my kids are number one and that she is sick of her old relationship being second and doesn’t want to be second in a relationship now.

Going back twelve months, she had a chance to move closer to me (40 minutes or so) but chose to instead please her narcissistic ex out of fear that he would sue her. Her son had not started school yet.

I travel to her house to be with her about twice as much as she comes to see me. I love this woman very, very much and after my horrible marriage, and my age, I understand that she is special and rare. I’m not in a position to move. The only way we have more time together is dragging my kids there sometimes on weekends. She brings her son here sometimes but it is easy for him because he is happy anywhere at this age.

Just wanting to know if people think I’m being difficult or if my feelings on my kids are correct.

[Michelle]

Hi, and welcome!

I think it's unfair of her to expect that she should come before your kids. Of course your kids are going to come before the person you're dating. I'm sure she would put her son first. I hope she was just frustrated with the situation and said things she didn't exactly mean.

This isn't even about you putting your children before her though, it's about your children not being responsible enough to handle a hyperactive child. You don't trust that they will be okay in that situation, so why should she trust them with her kid? She needs to be responsible and find a qualified adult to watch her son, not 11 and 14 year old kids. I think, moving forward, you need to tell her very clearly that your children will not be able to babysit her son. Period.

I have a wild child myself and would not want an 11 or 14 old watching him. I know he is difficult and it's nervewracking to even think of leaving him with anyone who isn't used to his hyperactivity. She's being unreasonable thinking your kids, at their age, are mature enough to handle a child with behavioral issues.

[Pegau]

Thanks Michelle.

We both realize we have no real way to close the distance for over SEVEN years. I love her enough to do this and I have promised I will move to her area when my daughter graduates. That is a long, long time however. I’ve made peace with it because to me, she is worth it. She is having doubts I think and I am guessing that this is where her frustration is boiling over.

Perhaps what this thread is really about is me realizing that she is going to probably ask to leave the relationship one day soon. She really wants (doesn’t necessarily need) someone in her home helping her, providing constant support and love and I’m not doing that.

I know I would be o.k.; I would just really have a very hard time finding someone like her in my opinion. Then again, maybe not. I’m attractive, smart, successful and all around normal. I came out of a marriage to a disordered person and I just have this thing where I suspect many people are messed up, and I don’t want any part of that anymore in my life.