Very lost and confused and in a LDR

[newrytoballymena]

Hi
My name is Cheryl i am 23. I am originally from Dublin (Ireland). My boyfriend is just turned 20 and from Ballymena (Northern Ireland). The natural distance between the two places is 130 miles. Since we both live on the same Island, it does mean that weekly or bi weekly visits are not out of the question. It takes around 4hrs to get from either place. Which is not too bad. We have been together 9 and 1/2 months

I met him when i was living in Northern Ireland last year doing a masters in Biomedical Science. We both attended the same university and we both in the karate club. I knew immediately i liked him, but did not do anything about it. Fast forward a year and he tells me he likes me on my very last night. So i return home to Dublin with a case of the post college blues and very confused about what i want to do with my life. Against my better judgement i suggest we go on a date. The rest as they say is LDR history!

Yet feeling very lost and confused with no direction, i decide to get a job up in Northern Ireland. I use this new relationship to give me direction. I get a job in a pharmaceutical company in Newry (Northern Ireland). It does not close the distance, just means it is now 60 miles instead of 130. My contract with this place is up iat the end of November.

Now i am once again very confused about my life. I am confused about jobs. He has two more years left in Northern Ireland.
I do not want to spend another year or two around Northern Ireland due to all the political tension. I cannot ever move to Ballymena because it is a very Unionist, British and anti-Irish place. Despite not being Northern Irish, because i am from the republic i will be a target for physical violence in a Unionist area. The same applies about moving to Belfast which is only 30 minutes away. Belfast is not a safe place to live in. The fact that if i walk down the wrong street means it could end badly for me.

Also my boyfriend is starting a course on Sundays, which means we wont get full weekends together. This further adds to sense of confusion. If anything i feel a bit annoyed because how come he can just give up our time to focus on himself? Which makes me think, is there any point in living in Northern Ireland when someone is always going to put their career first.

To sum up, contract ending in November, will need a new job. Not sure if want to stay in Northern Ireland anymore. Not sure i want to stay with boyfriend who is younger an not as keen about our relationship. But i really love him and think he is the one. Yet i need to sort out my life and future and hate the fact that he is such an important factor in my future, yet i dont feel i am the same in his

[dragonlady]

to say ti very blunt if he isnt keen on the relation ship you have to find a kob and home in a place YOU want to live and work
this seems to be a one way road, and you might break up so better be there where your happy..
sorry i cant give you any better advice..

[Malaga]

To sum up, contract ending in November, will need a new job. Not sure if want to stay in Northern Ireland anymore. Not sure i want to stay with boyfriend who is younger an not as keen about our relationship. But i really love him and think he is the one. Yet i need to sort out my life and future and hate the fact that he is such an important factor in my future, yet i dont feel i am the same in his

I guess this is what really bothers you, because everything else is up to you. You know he still has two years left at school so he's not going to move from Northern Ireland for so long. So it's really up to you whether you're going to stay there or move back home. Not sure what you need him to do to be able to make that decision. Do you want him to commit to you beyond those two years and decide where he wants to live after he graduates?

You guys are very young, particularly him. It's only normal he focuses on his studies right now. At 20 years of age, there is little else that should be his priority. This is not the same as being career-obsessed, this is him being responsible and taking his future seriously. The more he invests in his education and skills right now, the better his future will be - and if you stay with him, that means your future together. So it's kind of selfish and unwise of you to resent him taking up a course. I know time is precious and you want to spend as much time together as possible, but you both have to keep investing in yourself so that you're prepared for when the right moment comes. If on the other hand your lives start revolving around your relationship, you will smother each other and the relationship will fail.

You seem way ahead of him in terms of relationship goals. To make any planning worthwhile, you first have to get on the same page about those goals. But at this moment I think you are going too fast and expecting too much of him. I'm not sure what's stopping you from moving back to Dublin. I understand the distance will be somewhat bigger, but you'll still be able to see each other at least twice a month. Most LDRs on this forum not only survive but also flourish on much less, which means it's very much doable if you're both willing to try.

My suggestion is, move back home. Focus on your own career goals and interests. It doesn't mean to neglect the relationship. Just give him some space, I mean space from the expectations you've put on him. Enjoy the visits and time you get together, take it one step at a time and relax. No matter how strongly you might feel that he's The One, you have to give it time to develop until the right moment comes. And in two years when he's done with school, your bond might be strong enough for the decision to come easily.

[newrytoballymena]

Yeah, there is nothing he can do about it for the next two years. He is on placement in Ballymena this year and then back in college for the final year. I am at a loss right now. I would like to stay with him, but i want to make the best career move for myself.

[newrytoballymena]

Thanks for the tough love. I needed to hear it. The only reason i wound up north again in the first place was due to work. The recession is a lot worse down south than it is up north. For example i couldn't even get an interview in Dublin, yet managed to get three jobs in Northern Ireland. The company i am working in, is one of the best pharma companies in the world, so my time will always stand to me.
I think once my contract ends i will just apply for work wherever i can get it (North/South and Scotland/Wales). I also want to go back and study midwifery but i am going to apply to Northern Ireland/Scotland and Wales.