In a Rut and Having Some Depression Issues

[broken.strength]

My SO and I had been close friends all through college. About two months before I graduated, I accepted an English teaching assistant position at a university in northern France. Two weeks after I accepted, my SO asked me out on a date. We were already good friends, so it didn't take him long to win me over. We haven't been dating long, but we already know each other so well that I know for a fact that he's the one I want to marry eventually.

However, it's been an LDR throughout our relationship. He had a bad injury last December and had to finish college from home, which was already around 180 miles from me. We saw each other on weekends. Then after graduation (which he came back to campus for and it was wonderful) I moved back to my hometown for a summer internship. At that point it became a 300-mile distance. We saw each other about 4-5 times last summer. It was a terrible struggle for me to get through, breaking down quite often. I never hid it from him because 1) I am not capable of hiding my feelings well and 2) I'm lucky enough that I can confide in him about anything. He moved two states away to start law school, which then became a 600-mile distance. I visited him for 2 weeks before I left for France. It was a wonderful two weeks but the hardest goodbye I've ever had to make.

I've been in France now for almost a month and, now that I've settled down, the 4700-mile distance is now settling down on me and taking quite a toll. We have Facebook Message (which works just as well as Whatsapp) and we skype when we can, which is not often because of how demanding his studies are. We're in full support of each other as we continue through this school year but I'm starting to feel a dark cloud looming over me. It has become a complicated combination of anger towards our limited communication and lack of physical touch, sadness because I wish he was here exploring France with me, and frankly a lot of sexual frustration to add on top off that.

I want to enjoy my time here, but I'm missing him too much. It's not even homesickness, I just miss him in particular. Each day has become more and more of a drag, and I haven't made any close-enough friends whom I can confide in about my depression. I'm developing irrational feelings of resentment and vengeance towards him even though he has done nothing wrong (besides being a little absent-minded at times). I can't seem to get myself out of this spiral, and as each day passes it's getting deeper. I feel fairly isolated here so it feels almost impossible to escape.

I apologize for the long post, but our relationship is pretty complex and I wanted to give enough explanation. It's really testing my patience and I wanted to see if anyone could offer some quick coping mechanisms. Thank you for any support you may be able to offer.

[Hollandia]

I feel your pain, I in USA and my SO is in Netherlands.I miss waking up with him and making dinner for him and going to sleep with him everything in between. We spend every 90 days or so apart. Each goodbye rips my heart out. On top of that there is what you said, Life keeps happening. Stay strong and sometime your wait will be over, you found your mate, be joyous in that knowledge.

I try to cope by staying as busy as possible. We spend time together online everyday usually for a few hours or more. We do some of the stuff listed in the main site here. We remain very much a part of each other's lives. This place is amazing and helps a lot during those LDR times for me. When the depression hits, get silly. There is nothing you can do about it so try not to dwell on the negative and make plans for the future and be positive, yes we all still cry a lot, but feel free to lean on us if it helps. This is why we are all here.

[broken.strength]

Thank you Hollandia.

I had a long talk with him last night and it didn't go very well. Yesterday I felt very depressed and had low self-worth. I can say (now that I've had some sleep and I can look back on it in more hindsight) that what I needed the most was just some comfort. Thank you for your advice, but I've already been trying my best to do that. That works really well for some people but it just doesn't do the trick for me. You actually helped me more than my SO did last night just by simply stating "but feel free to lean on us if it helps. This is why we are all here." Honestly that's the kind of thing I need. I don't think I'll be going to him looking for comfort like that again, because he just doesn't have that capability and it never ends with me feeling better.

It's not that he's overall insensitive. He is very loving. But he is still a man and can say insensitive things, and when I tell him that he just gets pissed, then I feel guilty for making him mad. It's just a cycle from then on. This is one of the reasons I came to this site for help. All I need is just other people who are in the same shoes that I'm in and to keep reminding me that things will be okay. Sometimes I still need the reminder because I easily forget that when I'm out here.

Thanks again.

[Hollandia]

Thank you Hollandia.

I had a long talk with him last night and it didn't go very well. Yesterday I felt very depressed and had low self-worth. I can say (now that I've had some sleep and I can look back on it in more hindsight) that what I needed the most was just some comfort. Thank you for your advice, but I've already been trying my best to do that. That works really well for some people but it just doesn't do the trick for me. You actually helped me more than my SO did last night just by simply stating "but feel free to lean on us if it helps. This is why we are all here." Honestly that's the kind of thing I need. I don't think I'll be going to him looking for comfort like that again, because he just doesn't have that capability and it never ends with me feeling better.

It's not that he's overall insensitive. He is very loving. But he is still a man and can say insensitive things, and when I tell him that he just gets pissed, then I feel guilty for making him mad. It's just a cycle from then on. This is one of the reasons I came to this site for help. All I need is just other people who are in the same shoes that I'm in and to keep reminding me that things will be okay. Sometimes I still need the reminder because I easily forget that when I'm out here.

Thanks again.

Every relationship goes through it's ups and downs and growing pains. Here is some of me and my SO's......

When me and my SO first started getting serious, the first few times I had to leave, he was the same way. He would tell me stuff like, "There is nothing that can be done about it so stop dwelling on it, you are bringing me down and making me not want to spend time with you"... he also said...." I come online to spend time with you to have fun and relaxation, not to be depressed and have more pressure put on me, I have enough already". He wasn't providing me any comfort either.

These are pretty close to quotes from him. It tore me to shreds but I got his message loud and clear, he did not want to hear about how sad I was to be without him. He said he felt sad enough on his own and was doing what needed to be done and that I should do the same.......so I stopped. I found other avenues to vent at, mainly online, nobody here in my CD life that wants to hear about it either. Every man is different, for mine, he just needed time on his own to miss me and without my adding any pressure to him, he did just that. The strange thing is the last two times we had to leave each other I have kept things upbeat with him and now he is the one that sends me messages how lonely he is and how much he misses me and tbh I can now understand how that really does not help all that much being on the other end. I send him back the I miss you too, but what is the point? We know we miss each other. I know he needs to say it and being who I am, I don't tell him to stop. We got much much closer this summer when we had to bury his pet and so him leaning on me is fine, but I do see where he was coming from before.

If I get really down, I don't really talk about to him.... I send him virtual flowers, love poems and geo messages when I feel down. This makes me feel connected to him and tell him I love him without telling him I miss him. He knows that and so does your guy so telling them that is really only for our needs and not theirs. You need to have your self-worth for you and not just for you and him. You are worth what you are to the world on your own. The more strong of a person you are without him the better the person you can be with him.

Do you have friends and family around you in your CD life? Do you have a busy and full life besides him? It is much harder when you don't. Depression plays tricks on your mind and can make things seem much worse then they are. I am pretty sure if I had not stopped pressuring my SO in the beginning, we would not have made it to where we are today. You can get there too, it just takes time to work through it. I just left my SO on the 14th and even though my heart is aching I think I have handled it much better than I did in the past. This being said, don't be surprised if you see some posts from me in the future about how miserable and low I am. LDRs are not easy and they quite frankly suck. They are just still worth the pain and agony if the end result is getting to be with the one that you love.

Here is the latest poem I sent to my SO.........with just the note from me..................."This sums it up, I love you"

Like A Rose

My love for you is like a red, red rose,
It started as a seed but it’s grown and grown.
Its roots reach deep down inside of my chest,
And it grows even more with each passing breath.
The delicate petals lay beautiful and pure,
All the doubts that I’ve had you have since cured.
For all the thorns that this proud rose bears,
They are all softened by the thought of your care.
Soon the rose grows old and withers and dies,
But the love that helped grow it will last for all time.

- Sam Fedarb -

[broken.strength]

You're right, each man handles things a different way. The one thing that doesn't change though is when you go to them for comfort but they don't understand how to do that and they end up tearing you down instead. And they get frustrated because they think they're helping. I've decided that I'm not going to him to seek comfort when I'm feeling weak and vulnerable. I don't want to experience that again.

Unfortunately, no. Everyone I know here is still a new acquaintance/friend. I'm just starting out so I'm not going to have anyone close for a while; that just takes time. This weekend was just a big emotional setback. I'm a naturally social person so I'm still looking for other ways to meet new people and make new friends. I'm just still in a socially awkward position in which more than half of things I go do (see a movie, go to the market) I do them by myself, and I'm just getting really sick of that.

I'm sorry to hear that. You seem like a very strong person so I have faith that things will turn out well. I made a similar goodbye back in late August and it was the hardest thing I've honestly ever done in my life. Since you've offered as well, I am also here for support if you need it. I joined this forum not just to see comfort for myself but to comfort and support others as well.

Thanks, and take care.

P.S. That is a very beautiful poem.

[Hollandia]

You're right, each man handles things a different way. The one thing that doesn't change though is when you go to them for comfort but they don't understand how to do that and they end up tearing you down instead. And they get frustrated because they think they're helping. I've decided that I'm not going to him to seek comfort when I'm feeling weak and vulnerable. I don't want to experience that again.

Unfortunately, no. Everyone I know here is still a new acquaintance/friend. I'm just starting out so I'm not going to have anyone close for a while; that just takes time. This weekend was just a big emotional setback. I'm a naturally social person so I'm still looking for other ways to meet new people and make new friends. I'm just still in a socially awkward position in which more than half of things I go do (see a movie, go to the market) I do them by myself, and I'm just getting really sick of that.

I'm sorry to hear that. You seem like a very strong person so I have faith that things will turn out well. I made a similar goodbye back in late August and it was the hardest thing I've honestly ever done in my life. Since you've offered as well, I am also here for support if you need it. I joined this forum not just to see comfort for myself but to comfort and support others as well.

Thanks, and take care.

P.S. That is a very beautiful poem.

Thanks, feel free to PM anytime you want.
I know what you mean about being a social person and not having friends in a new place. When I am in NL I know only his family and friends. It is horrible when you are used to a nice big social circle, but like you said, we all have each other in here now.

[mllebamako]

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. I don't know how Lille is but I was placed in a really crappy town for my assistantship, plus the French are really difficult to build friendships with (IMO). I really understand where you are coming from. I spent most of my assistantship feeling lonely and isolated. I had a few acquaintances and people started getting nicer towards the end (I was like, "a little late people!"). But mostly I spent time alone. I ate out at restaurants alone, saw movies alone, did all my errands alone, etc. It took some adjusting and it wasn't easy, but I did get used to it and I really think it made me grow a lot.

The best thing for me, emotionally, was to just accept my situation. I just accepted that this was going to be my life for those 7 months and then I'd be done. I made the best of it by still getting out of the dorms where I lived (even if it was to go eat by myself), I challenged myself to something that was out of my comfort zone (NaNoWriMo), and I spent a lot of time on this lovely website

Hang in there! It's hard but 7 (or 9) months isn't that long and it'll be a growing experience for you and your relationship. And we're here for support, you can always PM me if you want.

[broken.strength]

Lille is not bad. Someone once described it to me as "Paris's scruffy sibling" and that's pretty accurate. There are some beautiful buildings and delicious patisseries here and there but in some neighborhoods you can easily smell the sewer system and there's graffiti everywhere. It's just a town that you gotta grow to love.

It's nice to see that someone has done something similar to what I'm doing. You're actually correct, the French have their own cliques (friends they've spent their whole lives with) and aren't very inclusive unless you are in the same school or something and you're around them constantly. I'm getting along with my roommate well (she's also American but she spends a lot of time with her French boyfriend who is also very nice) and I'm creating friendships with the other university assistants, but I still fear I won't develop any close relationships. Like you, I go to the market by myself usually and went to a movie alone too last night. It seems that you got some benefits after spending a lot of time on your own, and I hope to learn and grow in solitude as well. I believe firmly that everything happens for a reason, and maybe that's the reason I'm here: I am to learn something while I am on my own a lot.

I've taken some of Hollandia's advice and kept things upbeat with my SO and doing nice (non-verbal) things for him and already it's helping a lot.

I may take you both up on your offer of PMing you at some point later, because I know this experience is going to have more ups and downs. In the meantime I only work 2 days a week so I'm browsing around trying to find other activities I find interesting or maybe some kind of course where I can further my education. I'm also looking for ways to improve my French (which I understand plenty of but my speaking skills are not so great) by looking for native speakers who are willing to hold language exchange conversations or something like that. If you have any other advice, i.e. other things you enjoyed doing please share.

Each day is to some degree a struggle. There will be good days and bad, and I might be on my own a lot. I also need to accept that and try to get something out of this year.

You all are a wonderful help. Thanks again.

[Pixie1914]

Wow. I'm glad you posted this because I am feeling the exact same way. I feel like my situation is so similar to this. However, I'm sorry that you are having the same issue, because it SUCKS.

It took me a while to make friends here with my job hours being so bad (I even work weekends), but I did manage to make a good friend. If you have ever been to the Meetup website, it has meet ups in the area where you can meet people who are looking for people to meet as well! Salzburg, where I live, seems to have a lot of people in their 30s doing Meetups, and I met a good friend who was the same age as me having the same struggle finding people our age to spend time with. While we are not best friends, we have really come to rely on each other and pass the time. We confide in each other. I will say that I am still feeling depressed, but she has helped to make my funks suck a little less, and we get closer every time we meet up to have a good talk.

I think the other thing I have realized is that I felt the most depressed when I felt like I was never going to get out of here (My contract ends and I move back to US to be with him in May). I started to see the 'light at the end of the tunnel' when I could see the milestones of things I can look forward too. "Only 3 weeks until this weekend trip to Prague, then my birthday is in X amount of days, then the next month is X, etc, and then I have X weeks until I can go home." I obsess over time. But look at a calendar of all the time you will be there and look at the dates that you have to look forward to. If you don't have things to do that are out of the ordinary, make things to look forward to each month, or weeks if you can do so. Little trips to get you moving and keep you busy planning.

Good luck and hang in there! I totally feel for you!

Get yourself OUT as much as you can (although it is understandably difficult to motivate yourself to do so when feeling depressed). Try to stay active physically as well.

These things have helped me. Nothing will completely alleviate the pain of distance. It's so hard, and it never actually gets simple.

[TheSteelAngel]

Wow. I'm glad you posted this because I am feeling the exact same way. I feel like my situation is so similar to this. However, I'm sorry that you are having the same issue, because it SUCKS.

It took me a while to make friends here with my job hours being so bad (I even work weekends), but I did manage to make a good friend. If you have ever been to the Meetup website, it has meet ups in the area where you can meet people who are looking for people to meet as well! Salzburg, where I live, seems to have a lot of people in their 30s doing Meetups, and I met a good friend who was the same age as me having the same struggle finding people our age to spend time with. While we are not best friends, we have really come to rely on each other and pass the time. We confide in each other. I will say that I am still feeling depressed, but she has helped to make my funks suck a little less, and we get closer every time we meet up to have a good talk.

I think the other thing I have realized is that I felt the most depressed when I felt like I was never going to get out of here (My contract ends and I move back to US to be with him in May). I started to see the 'light at the end of the tunnel' when I could see the milestones of things I can look forward too. "Only 3 weeks until this weekend trip to Prague, then my birthday is in X amount of days, then the next month is X, etc, and then I have X weeks until I can go home." I obsess over time. But look at a calendar of all the time you will be there and look at the dates that you have to look forward to. If you don't have things to do that are out of the ordinary, make things to look forward to each month, or weeks if you can do so. Little trips to get you moving and keep you busy planning.

Good luck and hang in there! I totally feel for you!

Get yourself OUT as much as you can (although it is understandably difficult to motivate yourself to do so when feeling depressed). Try to stay active physically as well.

These things have helped me. Nothing will completely alleviate the pain of distance. It's so hard, and it never actually gets simple.

Uh this post was posted more than a year ago. I think the OP was able to overcome this by now.