Can this work?

[Malaga]

She sounds like me a few years ago, trapped in a dead-end long-term relationship but having an emotional affair with a lovely guy. I honestly 100% thought he's the one for me, that we're a perfect match, but that somehow life unfairly prevents me to be in a relationship with him. I thought I owe it to my then-boyfriend to stick it out in the relationship, even if I knew deep down it was going to fall apart eventually. There were other practical reasons that seemed too big to deal with. I just couldn't do it.

This was going on for several years and all three of us were growing more unhappy and depressed. Until my 'unofficial' boyfriend decided he has to change something for his and everyone else's sake, and broke it off. He cut off contact and focused on healing. I took it hard, I mourned losing him but somehow it wasn't as devastating as I expected it to be. Actually, things took off for the better for all of us. Well, not long after he did this, my long-term relationship finally came to an end. It's like his decision also inspired me to finally make the cut. We didn't get together after that, neither him or I wanted to. We were finally free of everything, including each other. I understand now that while my feelings for him were genuine, I greatly mistook them for what they actually were. It was love, but the kind of love that's fueled by drama. It's like the opposite of fair-weather friends. We could only be together when we're miserable. Some people find that sort of thing romantic, I guess I did at the time too. But it was just emotional immaturity, and then we both outgrew it.

I think the best thing you could do for yourself and consequently for her too, is to take a step back and break free of this situation. Remove yourself from the triangle and leave it up to her to decide what she wants to do with her life. And just move on. There's so much you're missing out on. If your cross paths again in different circumstances and still want to be together, that's great. But the quickest way to inspire change is to make one yourself.

Good luck xx

[ringoparker]

Snow.

I really apreciate what you said, in the first post and now in this one. I know there is that chance, that is why i try to be more distant when i can. I know i can”t do nothing about that and i know that, i know it very well. I am trying to have my day-to-day routine as normal as it was and see what will happen after this.

Malaga

Thank you for your story and opinion on this. I hope this won”t be the case, but i am very well aware that might happen with me and her. I will try to take a step back, however, it will be so hard, at least now, at the start.

[ringoparker]

A quick update.

Things have gone from worst to hell-ish. We started talking less and less, she said she has work to do and we will talk like this and when she is at home, we must be cautious because her husband started checking her phone.

Of course, from my part, frustration kicked in and we started talking less and less, but from time to time, she texted me so cute that reminded me of her, the one i love. So, finally, tuesday, we argued. I said what is bothering me, she said some things, however, at some point, the argue became funny, we tend to do this, something like, who annoys the other the most in a cute way, however, she decided to stop talking to me on facebook, while she was still active there, commenting on a pic she uploaded, so after a thew minutes, i got worried and called her. It was the first time she didn"t answer me and after five minutes, she was online on that godamn whatssap. I confronted her, but she said she could talk to me (she was at the office).

Then, we argued again on this and she left because she had to go home and then a meeting. Before going, i wrote her on whatssap: Ok, tell me, this is wrong, but i am gonna ask you this only once: Are you in this or not? Yes or No, if you say yes, i promise i won"t accuse you of anything and i will trust 100 % in us.

(Earlier, she accused me of guilty tripping her, but that wasen"t the case).

She said yes, then she said she loves me with all her heart. I responded and said i will send her a videoblog as usual when i arrive at home. I did that and the second day, she said she liked it very much and will have a email reply, as we decided.

From when she said that, we talked a maximum 11 phrases. Since wednesday, we exchanged 11 phrases. I acted cool like i said i will, said some cute things, didn"t argue, but she didn"t responded. She showed me a project she has and wanted my opinion, i said it, then yesteday our last chat was this:

Me: i love you
She: Why?
Me: Because you are wonderful. Why do you love me?

That was the last contact we had: at 3 pm on thursday. She was on whatssap, but she didn"t say anything. Finally, today i asked her, at 6, Are you ok? She saw it, but didn"t reply so far.

She is very weird on whatssap. She goes online, but for a maximum of 20 seconds, then she is offline again.

I am broken, i am not afraid to say, i a cried and crying right now. I am down on my flat floor, crying my heart out. I don't know what the hell is happening. I said to her many times, please, if you do not want to continue, tell me and everything will be alright, no harsh feelings. But at this moment, i have absolutely no ideea what is happening, where is she or what happend to her. I am crying because i hate myself of what i have become. I hate this cheating part and i hate myself because of what i am thinking, of what i am .

I have a paper in my lap and i am writing her a goodbye script that i want to have on a video blog, i am preparing to end this and i hate myself of what is happening right now. I am sick of myself because i am thinking of telling her husband about us and maybe ruin her life. I am sick of what i ve become in these days.

[Ahava]

I feel for you. I hope you feel better soon.
Don't do anything irrational like tell her husband. (That way you certainly will lose her).
Rather end it with her and let them be.
I wish you the best and send over some hugs.
Try to find something fun to do with friends and look after yourself.

[ringoparker]

As things wouldn"t be weird enough, she finally called me.

She told me she has second thoughts of coming and wants me to consider moving there. This was why she acted weird. Apparantly her mum is going there too, so that is the reason. She told me to come even as a trial period. A month or two if i am not convinced.

I"ve told her to have a divorce and convince me she really wants that, us to work. Do that and i am coming.


I still feel sick...

[ringoparker]

Well, it ended.

I can”t do this anymore. She stopped talking to me to save her marriage, after friday she asked me to go there, she stopped talking to me. Dunno the reason, dunno nothing, but for me this is the end. I can”t do this anymore, i am at the end of my powers.

[Ahava]

Hugs, I hope all the best for you.

[SJ22]

Sorry to hear that, you re better off without her

[ringoparker]

Thank you, i know i am, but it hurts so bad, how can someone be like this? How the hell can someone do this? Be so heartless in a mather of three weeks?

[mellif]

I am sorry to hear that man. I hope you find someone that deserves your love, because this girl took it for granted.

[Hollandia]

You don't deserve to be treated like that and neither did her husband. She sounds like a person that is not afraid to put herself first when it comes to getting what she wants. If she did this to her husband who is to say she would not done it to you a few years down the road when she tired of you. You are better off and you deserve someone that will treat you with respect and not just leave you twisting in the wind while she makes up her mind and/or is too afraid to tell you she has.

You asked how someone can be like like, because some people are users and know how to play the game better than those of us that are not. Sorry this happened to you.

[ringoparker]

It”s so hard to cope with this because i hate that people are like this. Just say the word and i would have walked away.

Beside that, is so hard to keep a smile on my face, when every friend asked me why i my smile look so crippled. I am surrounded by so many friends, but is so hard to face this.

I am scared that this is not the ending. Someday this might start all over again like it did and i am afraid i will trust her again.

[Hollandia]

It”s so hard to cope with this because i hate that people are like this. Just say the word and i would have walked away.

Beside that, is so hard to keep a smile on my face, when every friend asked me why i my smile look so crippled. I am surrounded by so many friends, but is so hard to face this.

I am scared that this is not the ending. Someday this might start all over again like it did and i am afraid i will trust her again.

It is nice to have family and friends as a support group. I would also suggest doing somethings that you would never usually do to take your mind off it a bit. Take a cooking class, join a book club or do a wine tasting. Join the gym you never had time for or offer to mentor at the local community center. Just something that is not your norm. If you are an animal lover and you have one snuggle up to it and if you can't have one, volunteer to take help out at a shelter. Do a reverse pay it forward to the universe, she did you wrong but you are a good person and you can reverse the pay back by doing something good to make up for people in the world being like that.

Take it each day and allow yourself to grieve but know that the person you thought you had was not really that person at all, but a representation of who she wished to project that she was to you. You deserve better and you shall find it eventually. I don't know if I believe in Karma or not but I do feel that negativity begats more negativity and positivity begats more postivity.

[ringoparker]

It is nice to have family and friends as a support group. I would also suggest doing somethings that you would never usually do to take your mind off it a bit. Take a cooking class, join a book club or do a wine tasting. Join the gym you never had time for or offer to mentor at the local community center. Just something that is not your norm. If you are an animal lover and you have one snuggle up to it and if you can't have one, volunteer to take help out at a shelter. Do a reverse pay it forward to the universe, she did you wrong but you are a good person and you can reverse the pay back by doing something good to make up for people in the world being like that.

Take it each day and allow yourself to grieve but know that the person you thought you had was not really that person at all, but a representation of who she wished to project that she was to you. You deserve better and you shall find it eventually. I don't know if I believe in Karma or not but I do feel that negativity begats more negativity and positivity begats more postivity.

Lucky enough i am doing that. I am very very very busy, but i have always found time for her. She was my priority. I am a writer in my free time and lucky enough, i am not alon and i know how do things to keep my mind out of where she is.

It”s hard, but i must improve myself. I made a video yesterday, a goodbye video and now a mail, well earlier, but i feel i don”t want to send those to her. I am saying goodbye, but i look like i need her.

I want so much to say her only this: You blew it.

[Hollandia]

Lucky enough i am doing that. I am very very very busy, but i have always found time for her. She was my priority. I am a writer in my free time and lucky enough, i am not alon and i know how do things to keep my mind out of where she is.

It”s hard, but i must improve myself. I made a video yesterday, a goodbye video and now a mail, well earlier, but i feel i don”t want to send those to her. I am saying goodbye, but i look like i need her.

I want so much to say her only this: You blew it.

Good that is great to hear that you have your coping mechanisms. I don't think I would send her anything. I think she would probably just take it as an attempt to have some form of contact with her. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. If it makes you feel better to have those goodbye messages then hang on to them and use them for yourself until you are ready to let it all go. I agree with you, she blew it.