Hello,
I might be not really "right" in this forum, as I am currently not in a LDR, but I wanted to ask people that have experience and know how it feels to be in one for advice (hope it won't bother you that I do not actually fit in
)
My Ex and me met 1,5 years ago when I started to go to University in France (I'm originally German). He does the same studies as I do, but he is one year above me. Unfortunately, our university has a policy where the 3rd Bachelor-year is abroad, obligatorily. So, we came together really quickly but it was clear from the beginning that we'd enter a LDR in september 2013, for 2 years, and that afterwards we'd meet again in Paris while doing or Master. He's in Korea now, and next year I'm going to China. So it's reaaaaalllyyyy looong distance.
Our relationship was really good and I know for sure that he really loved me a lot. However, we also had some issues. I grew up in a family where fighting to solve issues is a normal means, whereas he comes from a family in which he basically obeys to everything his mother and older sisters say. In all my previous relationships, I was the "boss" and kind of got used to commanding others around. I know now that this is not normal, but while we were still in France, my Ex did everything for me, just as I was used to.And if he didn't, I started a fight in order to get what I wanted. I even feel ashamed by writing this now. It's just, I never even really noticed, until my Ex told me it was wrong when he broke up.
Then, the worst issue: His family, the one he cares so much about, hates me. They really do. I'm not even sure whether it's my fault (or, maybe, to a certain extent), but it always seemed to me as if I was unwelcome to his home in Paris and that they always saw me as "competition" for their son. This got worse in summer, during our holidays that we planned together. He hadn't informed his parents. To sum up: it were the worst holidays of my life, because my ex was constantly torn between our plans and his family's expectations that he would spend all his time with them at home. They hated me, so much. But I really tried to improve it by being nice, washing the dishes, helping to clean their apartment etc.
Just before he went to Seoul we had an awesome week. And 5 weeks into the LDR he broke up, saying that it would be too stressful for the next 2 years. We had had a fight during the previous week about the years to come - I tried to convince him to do a Gap Year which he did not want to do, in order to do an internship in China next year.
I was crushed, but I tried to get over it during the following weeks. After a while, he contacted me again and we started to skype on a regular basis. I asked him whether he wanted to try again, but he declined, saying that he does not believe that I could change. I then asked whether I still could come visit him during our winter holidays (we had booked the plane ticket when he was still in Europe). He agreed, even saying that I shouldn't worry and that it would be going to be really cool. My hopes rose a little, I really would like to get him back and to improve what went wrong before. I don't want to fight anymore.
My flight is in 2 weeks. Today, however, he told me for the very first time that he does not love me anymore. And that, even if everything will be really great during my visit, he does not believe that he will want to give us another shot. He really sounded determined while saying that, stating that I would not change and that the risk would be to high for him to waste 1,5 years of his life in a LDR that would probably not improve. And that, of course, his family would be completely against it.
He still wants me to come, though.
So, now I am really down and don't really know how to behave when I am there. And whether I should give my hopes up. But of me believes that it might be best to do so, but the other part tells me that everything will be better if we see each other face to face. I mean, it's easy to tell someone you don't love/want him over a pc screen 20000 miles apart, but in reality it is not that easy. Then again, I don't want to make an even bigger fool out of myself.
So, this was a long post, hope it doesn't annoy you. But I really really need some advice right now!
I might be not really "right" in this forum, as I am currently not in a LDR, but I wanted to ask people that have experience and know how it feels to be in one for advice (hope it won't bother you that I do not actually fit in
)My Ex and me met 1,5 years ago when I started to go to University in France (I'm originally German). He does the same studies as I do, but he is one year above me. Unfortunately, our university has a policy where the 3rd Bachelor-year is abroad, obligatorily. So, we came together really quickly but it was clear from the beginning that we'd enter a LDR in september 2013, for 2 years, and that afterwards we'd meet again in Paris while doing or Master. He's in Korea now, and next year I'm going to China. So it's reaaaaalllyyyy looong distance.
Our relationship was really good and I know for sure that he really loved me a lot. However, we also had some issues. I grew up in a family where fighting to solve issues is a normal means, whereas he comes from a family in which he basically obeys to everything his mother and older sisters say. In all my previous relationships, I was the "boss" and kind of got used to commanding others around. I know now that this is not normal, but while we were still in France, my Ex did everything for me, just as I was used to.And if he didn't, I started a fight in order to get what I wanted. I even feel ashamed by writing this now. It's just, I never even really noticed, until my Ex told me it was wrong when he broke up.
Then, the worst issue: His family, the one he cares so much about, hates me. They really do. I'm not even sure whether it's my fault (or, maybe, to a certain extent), but it always seemed to me as if I was unwelcome to his home in Paris and that they always saw me as "competition" for their son. This got worse in summer, during our holidays that we planned together. He hadn't informed his parents. To sum up: it were the worst holidays of my life, because my ex was constantly torn between our plans and his family's expectations that he would spend all his time with them at home. They hated me, so much. But I really tried to improve it by being nice, washing the dishes, helping to clean their apartment etc.
Just before he went to Seoul we had an awesome week. And 5 weeks into the LDR he broke up, saying that it would be too stressful for the next 2 years. We had had a fight during the previous week about the years to come - I tried to convince him to do a Gap Year which he did not want to do, in order to do an internship in China next year.
I was crushed, but I tried to get over it during the following weeks. After a while, he contacted me again and we started to skype on a regular basis. I asked him whether he wanted to try again, but he declined, saying that he does not believe that I could change. I then asked whether I still could come visit him during our winter holidays (we had booked the plane ticket when he was still in Europe). He agreed, even saying that I shouldn't worry and that it would be going to be really cool. My hopes rose a little, I really would like to get him back and to improve what went wrong before. I don't want to fight anymore.
My flight is in 2 weeks. Today, however, he told me for the very first time that he does not love me anymore. And that, even if everything will be really great during my visit, he does not believe that he will want to give us another shot. He really sounded determined while saying that, stating that I would not change and that the risk would be to high for him to waste 1,5 years of his life in a LDR that would probably not improve. And that, of course, his family would be completely against it.
He still wants me to come, though.
So, now I am really down and don't really know how to behave when I am there. And whether I should give my hopes up. But of me believes that it might be best to do so, but the other part tells me that everything will be better if we see each other face to face. I mean, it's easy to tell someone you don't love/want him over a pc screen 20000 miles apart, but in reality it is not that easy. Then again, I don't want to make an even bigger fool out of myself.
So, this was a long post, hope it doesn't annoy you. But I really really need some advice right now!
he might realise that he still has feelings after all but what good does it do? At the end of the day he's right. Just because you visit, your relationship isn't going to get any better. Your issues will remain. and I also don't think you'd get closure there. It'll be rather that he'll give you mixed signals that will get your hopes up but then you'll still stay broken up, which will leave you behind confused and hurt. 
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