What can I do to make my support worker proud of me?
Only one waste-of-time girlfriend in my life later and I'm a nervous wreck. I have autism and so it's hard to just go outside to interact with people, although everybody must do it (unless you are a hermit, but my discomfort isn't that extreme).
The current issue I have is I fancy my support worker - Sara. She is Spanish. Spanish women are hot. You must surely know this. She only knows me because she looks after me because I have autism and she's not shy about reminding me that this is the only reason she even knows I'm on Earth.
In all seriousness though, I was giving a telling off from her for sending a text to her calling her a petal one week there. She knows one other female got removed from my support team for something not too dissimilar. It's not appropriate at all to want to date support personnel and they see flirting as crossing boundaries. We only have a working relationship, this lady and I. And while she cares about me, she doesn't physically love me and most likely never, ever will. However, I kind of fancy her a lot and when I am with her, and our shift finishes, I feel lonesome again. I even think that I'd have to kill myself because she nor anybody else would ever want me. She knows I'm lonely and other people notice it too, especially if you go on and on about that person when others are with you regularly. Like there was a former female helper from a few years ago and all I seemed to do was ramble about how great she was, which gets people thinking you immediately must fancy her.
Sara says I need to go out to meet people, even if it makes me feel anxious. But I think support workers will try to stay in the background and let me do all the talking when this does transpire. Also, I asked her if we could be friends even if she left, but she said she didn't know. She told me that she'll maybe go to South America one day, but not for at least a few more years. I know, however, she'll not ever go out with me. I don't like it. That's all. She already told me that even if she left, she'd never get involved with a client from a previous place of employment. What's worse is she even once went with me to get treated for warts at a sexual health clinic after I used escorts for sexual favors. Although it's her job to look after me and support me, that actually embarrasses me because I feel like I settled for 'second best' (dirty hookers) and now I fancy the very person who supports me.
When we went up a hill earlier today to see if I could be less afraid, I felt a bit jittery because I'm not a fan of heights. So since I have myopia, I simply thought removing my glasses may take the awkward feelings away. Then she demanded I put them back on or she was leaving, because she said I have them for a reason. I really think she's acting firm in order to partly make me braver but also so I become less attached to her. If I put my arm around her again like I tried to already, she'll grass on me over it and then she'll no longer work with me. That's not made up. It's factual.
I make subtle hints that we can do this and that when I feel like it, but she usually says something like 'you can do that with your other support workers, too' because she knows I'm attached to her and the other night on Christmas Eve, we watched a movie in the staff flat. Nobody else was present and she sat a safe distance away from me, making out she had to stretch her legs. So somehow, I think she's trying to make me get a social life to not only benefit me, but to make me 'forget' about her.
What do you think of all this then? I have no chance of getting with her and surely I know this already, but I feel low when I am around her. Part of me wants to be less of a chicken and impress her by doing what is asked of me, but my real motivation stems from doing things simply to make her go 'wow' at me and maybe one day, she will know how much I'm right to love her, although this is my mind saying that. To my credit, I've joined some free dating sites and messaged a few people on them, but nobody responds and I can bet it's because they think I'm not attractive. I've also been to a few dating events in town and they're all rubbish. So because of this, I feel isolated and I actually was considering giving up.
The current issue I have is I fancy my support worker - Sara. She is Spanish. Spanish women are hot. You must surely know this. She only knows me because she looks after me because I have autism and she's not shy about reminding me that this is the only reason she even knows I'm on Earth.
In all seriousness though, I was giving a telling off from her for sending a text to her calling her a petal one week there. She knows one other female got removed from my support team for something not too dissimilar. It's not appropriate at all to want to date support personnel and they see flirting as crossing boundaries. We only have a working relationship, this lady and I. And while she cares about me, she doesn't physically love me and most likely never, ever will. However, I kind of fancy her a lot and when I am with her, and our shift finishes, I feel lonesome again. I even think that I'd have to kill myself because she nor anybody else would ever want me. She knows I'm lonely and other people notice it too, especially if you go on and on about that person when others are with you regularly. Like there was a former female helper from a few years ago and all I seemed to do was ramble about how great she was, which gets people thinking you immediately must fancy her.
Sara says I need to go out to meet people, even if it makes me feel anxious. But I think support workers will try to stay in the background and let me do all the talking when this does transpire. Also, I asked her if we could be friends even if she left, but she said she didn't know. She told me that she'll maybe go to South America one day, but not for at least a few more years. I know, however, she'll not ever go out with me. I don't like it. That's all. She already told me that even if she left, she'd never get involved with a client from a previous place of employment. What's worse is she even once went with me to get treated for warts at a sexual health clinic after I used escorts for sexual favors. Although it's her job to look after me and support me, that actually embarrasses me because I feel like I settled for 'second best' (dirty hookers) and now I fancy the very person who supports me.
When we went up a hill earlier today to see if I could be less afraid, I felt a bit jittery because I'm not a fan of heights. So since I have myopia, I simply thought removing my glasses may take the awkward feelings away. Then she demanded I put them back on or she was leaving, because she said I have them for a reason. I really think she's acting firm in order to partly make me braver but also so I become less attached to her. If I put my arm around her again like I tried to already, she'll grass on me over it and then she'll no longer work with me. That's not made up. It's factual.
I make subtle hints that we can do this and that when I feel like it, but she usually says something like 'you can do that with your other support workers, too' because she knows I'm attached to her and the other night on Christmas Eve, we watched a movie in the staff flat. Nobody else was present and she sat a safe distance away from me, making out she had to stretch her legs. So somehow, I think she's trying to make me get a social life to not only benefit me, but to make me 'forget' about her.
What do you think of all this then? I have no chance of getting with her and surely I know this already, but I feel low when I am around her. Part of me wants to be less of a chicken and impress her by doing what is asked of me, but my real motivation stems from doing things simply to make her go 'wow' at me and maybe one day, she will know how much I'm right to love her, although this is my mind saying that. To my credit, I've joined some free dating sites and messaged a few people on them, but nobody responds and I can bet it's because they think I'm not attractive. I've also been to a few dating events in town and they're all rubbish. So because of this, I feel isolated and I actually was considering giving up.
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