He went travelling without me for a year.

[Yellowsponge11]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we lived together, been on holiday - did everything you'd expect in a long term relationship. I was unhappy in my job but had to stay with it to pay my half for our place and my unhappiness was putting a strain on our relationship so when our contract came up for renewal, he suggested we moved back home to our parents homes and we saved up to travel Australia together within the next year. As I was so unhappy in my job, anything sounded better than what I was doing so I agreed to it and it meant I could quit my job and look for something else while I did temp work for an agency. He's 27 and went to Australia for 3 months when he was 18 and always said he wants to go back and do a year but as it had been nearly 10 years, I didn't think he would ever really go. Within a few months I landed my dream job and told him I wanted my career more than I wanted to see Australia which he understood but explained he would still be going.

Anyway, we're 3 months in to him being away and I'm finding it so difficult so I joined this website in the hope to find someone who is or has been in a similar situation.

I don't struggle with it every day, I'd say I have more good days than bad but when it is bad, everything makes me cry and I don't want to be around anyone. If I try and tell him how I feel when I'm upset he says we should break up because he isn't comfortable with making me feel so upset which annoys me because he chose to put our relationship in this situation and I think he needs to deal with the hard times just like I do. I refuse to let him take the easy option of splitting up because deep down neither of us want to and we do believe we can make it through this. We speak every day over text and make time to FaceTime each other at least once a week.

I keep a written diary and use it to document my thoughts and feelings and also what he's doing with his time as he has had two jobs since he got there and also had some great adventure days out. I'm doing the diary for him to have when he gets home as a memory of his time away but also to give him a little insight in to what it was like for me as the one who was left behind. I have a good relationship with his parents and I am in regular contact with them. They have been very supportive and I'm so grateful for how brilliant they have been.

He's due back towards the end of October this year so we've still got a while to go and I was hoping to get some advice or suggestions on what I could do to make this easier for me? Or even hearing someone else's story might give me some form of comfort as I haven't met anyone else who has experienced this and sometimes I feel really lonely because none of my friends or family can relate to me.

Thank you in advance to anyone who replies or even reads my story, I really appreciate your time.

[snow_girl]

I get that it might feel like he's just up and left you, buuuut I was in the same position as your SO with my ex. I wanted to go travel for a few months and he didn't like the idea. He wasn't willing to take that much time off as he had his career sorted out. He didn't want me to go. even when we were long distance he didn't want me to go even though we were apart anyway. He's my ex now so it doesn't matter anyway, but I know that if I stayed with him and never went because of his selfish wishes I would have always had that little bit of resentment towards him for not supporting something that would make me happy.

In the long run it's only 12 months, he'll come back and it will be like he never left. I think the journal has potential to be a really cute idea but only if you use it to show him what you did in that time to make yourself happy mixed with the occasional missing him. If it is full of "I'm grumpy, look what you've done to me" it seems like a really childish thing to do. You made the choice not to go, you can't be angry at him for wanting to do something he's wanted to for so long.

[Carol]

Hi!

I would recommend you to go out with friends, it can help you not to focus just on the fact you are apart. You can also start something new, such as learning a new language, cooking classes, working out...

Is it possible for you two to call on sell phones few times a week? Or meet on skype more often than just once a week?

I also agree that to write a diary is a nice idea, but you should not give him a feeling that he made you nothing but miserable. I mean, I know you are, and you can include words like " i miss you, wish we were together now..." but don't express just negative feelings in there. It will, at the end, hurt him and won't appreciate it.

[Ejoriah]

Honestly, I think you're being unfair to him. You knew he had a plan of visiting Australia for a year. It's unfair to him that you thought he wouldn't do it, and it's unfair to him to try and make him feel guilty for doing what he wanted to do. I mean if I went abroad for a year and when I came back my SO handed me a diary to show me how he felt when I "left him behind" I would feel terrible. You say he "chose" to leave you behind... you also "chose" your dream job over being with him in Australia, so assigning blame is really pointless.

That said though, being apart from the person you love is always hard, especially after you've lived with them for a while. At least you have a solid end date to count down to, and every day that passes brings you that much closer. Can you try mailing each other a few care packages? That could be fun and he could include some things from his daily life, while you could mail him some things to remind him of home.

[piratemama]

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found this site and hope it helps and brings you some comfort.

I'm sorry you are hurting and missing your SO. It must be hard to be away from someone you had lived with. One thing about this forum, you will find that some of us can be very blunt. I think part of it is our different styles of communicating and different personalities, but some of it is in the nature of the written word. We all read and answer lots of threads, so we get short and to the point. Take the advice you want and ignore the rest. That goes for what I'm about to say, too.

In your post, you mentioned your original plan was to go with him to Australia until your new job came through. You had a choice, and you made the one to stay. To be fair, you should not expect him to stay. When truly in love, we want the best for our loved one. We want them to go and have fun. We aren't selfish and we don't hold grudges. You could have gone with him, but I'm not saying you should have, only that you could have. He didn't go and tell you to stay. He wanted you to go, too. He's probably hurting that you wouldn't go.

It's a tough situation with no good options, but you have to make the best of it now. You have two choices at this point. You can be a pain and make him miserable, or you can show him what kind of a terrific woman you are by encouraging him to have fun. Be loving and interested in what he's doing. Certainly let him know you miss him, but don't do it in a way to make him feel guilty.

Every LDR has its moments of jealousy or hurt, but we try to focus on the positives and move past the pain. Focus on when he comes back.

Please get something going for yourself, too. Get a hobby or make new friends. Take it a day at the time, and you'll be surprised how quickly the time will pass right by.

[GeriK]

Hi!

Sounds like you've put your life on hold. You also sound miserable. I bet when you talk to your SO your misery brings him down. Who wants to share their adventures, their happiness with someone who is miserable?

He is out in Australia, exploring, growing, expanding himself as a person. He is following his dream. You are in your dream job. The man you love is happy and I bet he thought he was leaving his love in a good place.

You need to live your life. If this is your dream job, then do it. This is your time to shine. You have no one else to worry about. You don't have to do extra laundry or worry about what he needs from the market. It is you living and working your dream job.

I'm guessing in the 3 years that you two have been together, you were friends. Best friends. Treat him like your best friend.

When you first met. Were you sitting doing nothing just waiting for him to come by and swoop you up? I'm guessing not. So why are you doing that now?

Your diary is a good idea. I would use it to journal all the parts of your day. I would even write it in an email that he can read every day. Write it like you would if you came home from work and was telling him about your day. Of course you tell him that you miss him but you're writing how your life is also growing and how you're expanding as a person.

When you come together in October you'll be on the same the page. You'll have grown together. You'll have spent this year apart making memories that included each other even though you're apart.

Embrace your independence and his love for you.

Good luck

[Yellowsponge11]

Thank you everyone who has replied so far, it's really helped to give me some perspective on my situation.

On my bad days it's hard for me to not think of it as he left me behind but I've never told him to come home or anything to deliberately make him feel guilty. I've always encouraged him to be there, especially over Christmas when he was crying and feeling very homesick. Even before he left I always showed my support for him and bought him little things to help him along his travels. I am really happy for him to finally be fulfilling his dream of seeing more of Australia as he has wanted to do it for nearly 10 years.

My diary documents everything, it's not some sort of pity journal where it's all "poor me, you made me so sad" etc. obviously at the beginning it was quite deep because that's when it all hurt the most and I didn't think it would end but my writing is a true reflection of the feelings I have experienced so far and it also shows how my mood gradually improves as the weeks went by. I also document his activities such as scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef and I've even printed off photos he's sent me so he has photos to match the stories. The diary is for him but I said it's his decision if he chooses to read it. I wouldn't be offended if he never opened it but at least it's always there for if we ever wanted to look back on things and laugh together.

I would never use anything against him to make him feel guilty for being away because like you all said, I chose to stay home to focus on my career when I had the option to go travelling with him. Also I would never have wanted to be the one thing that stood in his way of living his dream because I wouldn't want it to ruin us and make him resent me.

When I typed my original post I was having a sad day but I'm feeling much better about everything today and your kind words help to spur me on. Sometimes all I need is a good cry and sleep and I wake up in the morning feeling like a weight has been lifted! I also joined this website so I could unload online instead of speaking to my boyfriend about feeling upset because he doesn't know the best thing to say and it gets him down that he's so far away and can't be physically there for me so I'm trying to not put that stress on him but at the same time I feel like I should be allowed to speak to him about it since he is the reason I'm feeling upset and surely you should be able to speak to your partner and best friend about absolutely anything and everything?

I'm trying to keep myself as busy as my free time and bank account will allow! It just gets difficult sometimes even when I am busy, he's always on my mind and sometimes it gets too much and feels like such a struggle. Because we have lived together previously and everything, it just doesn't feel normal. I've been speaking to him today though about our plans for when he gets home and moving out together again which fills me with so much positivity and happiness.

[Moon]

I know it's not nice to feel left behind but, and you might not realize this yet, at 27, the window to your boyfriend's long travel days is closing...fast. This is probably the last opportunity he'll ever really get to do his, until he retires. At 27, he's got to enter the real world, with a real job and responsibilities, which will never again include traveling for a year (most likely). Unless he's independently wealthy, that is So yeah, let him live out his last hurrah, stop being so resentful, especially since it was your choice to stay, and give him this one. Changing your perspective will help you to get through it, and make the remaining time easier. Stay busy, work hard at your dream job, and hang out with friends and co-workers, enjoy your temporary independence and use the time doing what YOU want. A year is nothing, it'll pass before you know it.

I do agree with everyone else, keep the journal, but skip anything negative, and promise yourself you'll stop taking your misery out on him. Find something interesting to discover.

[Yellowsponge11]

Thank you! And you're absolutely right, this is his last chance to travel and get it out of his system before he enters the real world of being an adult!

I need to learn to embrace my situation and make the most of the time I have left to myself. I did go down to London to spend New Year's Eve with my friends from university which is something I'd never have done if my boyfriend was home so that was great!