LDR soon to be.

[kornypanda]

Hi all,

I've been with my partner for 2 and a half years. We are not nor have been long distance. At the beginning of the relationship, my partner expressed his dream to work abroad in Japan with a company called JET; working as a sub teacher in Japanese schools teaching English for a year. I was perfectly happy with this option as I also wanted to do some traveling of my own. As our relationship grew, my traveling grew into a desire to travel with him (not with JET) or that we settle down and have our own place. His wish to join JET lessened the more our relationship grew. Last year he went to Japan for 3 weeks with his two best friends. Being our first time we've been away from each other different sides of the world was really tough. I struggled to cope not having him around and that I could only really talk to him either at 7am or midnight, and not for long either. It also made him realize that he couldn't live without me either. This holiday resparked his love to do this JET trip. I would never stop him living his dreams, only push him towards them, no matter what I felt. He is due to apply for a place in November and I'm scared that the distance will tear us apart.

When I was 16 I was in a long distance relationship with my first proper boyfriend. He lived in Scarborough (W. Yorkshire) and myself in London. We were introduced by a mutual friend and we instantly hit it off. We arranged for him to meet me in London for a week and at the time, it was perfect. We met numerous times, taking it in turns to travel. Unfortunately each time after we met, I missed the physical attention from my boyfriend and would deliberately go out and search for physical attention from any guy that gave me attention. My boyfriend forgave me each time but I knew he was aching inside. I ended the relationship knowing that I couldn't stop myself hurting him again and again. Since then, I have stuck by the knowledge that I could not be in a long distance relationship.

I truly believe that my partner now is my one. I have never felt so much love and trust from anyone and I know I want to marry him, have children and grow very old together. I'm just so scared that I will repeat what I did when I was 16. Obviously I have grown a lot since I was 16 (now 24) and of course this relationship is a completely different. However, Japan is much further away from London, different time zones and will cost me a lot more money to travel to see him. I want to fight so hard for this relationship and I'm trying to keep positive but there is that doubt in my head that it will fail. That I will fail.

He is due to apply this November for a place, if he is accepted he will be leaving next July, (2015) I know it's not for a while but I've just been feeling really down because of this.

Please can you give me any advice on anything that will help my problem. I want to keep positive but I'm finding it very hard.
Thank you

[silvermoonfairy3]

Going from CD to LD can certainly be a major challenge. The thing you have going for it is that there's a set period of time, from the sound of things. He'll be gone for a year. That's totally doable. A year goes much faster than you might think.

One of the best ways to keep positive for me is to remind myself of the great opportunity something is for my partner, and how it makes him happy.

However, there are a LOT of potential issues from the sound of things. If you're in a serious, committed relationship where it's understood you're exclusive and monogamous, then you can't just go messing around with other guys or whatever as you used to do. You're not 16, you're 24, and you should be able to control yourself. If you absolutely can't, it's likely that an LDR (with anyone) isn't going to work for you.

So there's a few options if LDR sounds like it would blow up. You go with him, you break up, you put the relationship "on hold" for that year or mutually agree that you have a temporary polyamorous relationship and see other people. (Which, warning, doesn't work for a lot of people and should be carefully considered.)

Have you discussed going with him? Is that something he's open to?
Is there something for you to advance your career or education in Japan as well, so going 'makes sense' for you career-wise? (Or, if not, is there something you've just always wanted to do, and can afford to? Take a year off and write a novel, or do an art internship for painting, or something?) Those sort of dreams are often easier realized when you're in your 20s, before there are potential additional factors to consider. (Like kids, houses, etc.)

Have you talked about the going-LD thing with him? Does he think he can do it? Does he have concerns? Have you guys discussed whether either of you could make trips during that year, or if it would be no in-person time at all?

[nottheprincesspeach]

As an alternative to silvermoonfairy, one thing you guys could and should discuss is boundaries. My relationship started out CD and changed to LD just about a month ago now. My boyfriend knows I am a flirt. He does his best to flirt with me when he can as an LD, but knows I also flirt with other guys. We discuss it. It isn't a big deal to us. I won't go into details about what our boundaries, are but you could discuss that with your partner, on top of the other options you see above. I don't really believe in putting relationships on pause.

As for the attention seeking behavior, I understand that too. I can suffer from it, and do it without realizing. I have had to be more aware of my actions and practice mindfulness of my situation and consideration of my SO. It isn't always easy, but my SO is very understanding. I have moved leaps and bounds in this regard. I also find putting in more times with female friends helps. Sometimes what I really need is just to feel connected, so doing hair and nails can be enough. And if it is that physical touch I really just need, I go for a massage, and that really helps.

I hope some of this works for you. Silvermoonfairy's advice is good too, and I agree with it as well.

[Moon]

I agree with silvermoonfairy in that you're 24, not 16 anymore, and with maturity it's much easier to do the right thing, if that's what you're committed to doing.

The distance will only tear you apart if you let it. You have to focus on knowing you have an end-date, and a year, in retrospect, is not a long time when you'd like to be with someone for good. You can do this, if you want to, it won't be easy but it's perfectly doable. Since you used to think about traveling yourself, have you considered it again? Since he'll be away, maybe now would be a good time for you to get some experience abroad. Do it now, because as you get older and settle into work, life and family, it gets sort of impossible to spend an extended time in another place.

Otherwise, you just do what the rest of us do, you keep as busy as you can. That time could be spent hanging with friends, picking up a hobby you always wanted to try, or taking a few classes in something. The point is, the distance does and will suck, but it doesn't have to be wholly negative, and it's up to you to make sure you aren't a miserable couch potato, sitting in front of The Lifetime channel, going through pints of Ben and Jerry's, ya know? You can do this. Don't forget about your friendly neighborhood LFAD, this is a great place for support and ideas. Good luck.

[differentcountries]

The good thing is that you know your weakness and you are older nowand hopefully in a better relationship. Not being able to be physical is one of the most challenging things about LDR. I hope you can have time and money to visit him a couple of times while he is there, and that he can use Skype to share his experience of the country with you (I absolutely love it when we Skype from outdoors or send quick photos through Viber).

Since you tend to get restless and affection-seeking, there is where you need to focus. Use this year to develop methods of coping with stress. What did you do under the three weeks that he was away that worked? How will you plan around the time difference? I don't know if this will work for you, but LDR made me very crafty. I loved making him books especially, and he feels very honored for getting them. It is very physical (glue and scissors and pictures and the rest) and knowing he will read the book later gives me a lot of pleasure. Also, what helps me is doing something with my body, like working out, being in nature, enganging with friends and family(they can give you hugs!), baking something or getting stuff done at work, meditating... just getting on with my life, really. Sometimes it helps to talk to others about him, sometimes that just make me miss him more. Buying tickets and planning trips... even if you don't have the money for the first trip it can be good to plan it before/right after he leaves. Also, getting some kind of routine when he is there is very important so you don't feel he leaves you hanging. Make up some rules and also how to let each other know when there must be an exeption to the rule. Experiment on different tecniques/means of staying in touch, so you will know what works for you.

Oh, and one of the more surprising elements of LDR that I find, it that looking at each other become so important. You can do that over Skype, and some sexual stuff too, but I mean at least for me him looking me in the eyes is my lifeline to him, he doesn't even have to say anything. The looking resembles touching and gives me the same feeling of reassurement. Perhaps touch is your love language, too?

[kornypanda]

Thank you all for your replies. You've made me feel at ease with this situation and will take on board your advice. I've shown my partner his thread and we had a long discussion about it all. I'm glad that I have the LDR community to support me in this situation. Even though the option of myself moving over to Japan with him is not on our cards, we have agreed that I am welcomed with open arms to traveling over there to see him whenever I like, and he will help with the costs of plane tickets. I've also rethought about what I could do with my year and re-sparked my interest in going over to China for a month and help work in the conservation of Pandas. A dream I've wanted to do since I was young.

I know that we can make this relationship work, and from what I've seen in this community - the small year apart can improve and strengthen a relationship. Thank you all so much!