My girlfriend went to a 2 year MBA in the US

[Jacques]

My girlfriend just started a 2year MBA in the US and l live 3.000 miles away from her and we have to deal with 5 hours’ time difference.

Her excitement about integrating, settling, learning, networking is such that suddenly she stopped reaching out for me so often and tends to just reply to my messages (sometimes hours later) or say yes to my requests for Viber calls or Skypes, but very barely suggesting them.

At the same time, she just spends time with guys. She's not the girlish type of hanging out with many women so she naturally prefers spending time with men and actually she already has a group of buddies with whom she shops, eats, chats, go to bars and so on.

This has been a huge transformation from a person that used to look for me very often when we were distant, always trying to connect, with lots of affection in her words, to a person that seems alienated at the excuse of being there in a new life. She stills says that she loves me, misses me and above all, that she can't and will not be unfaithful to me. She's eager to see me when I visit her in two months, but this time seems an eternity to me and I often flip out when she is not showing the same interest that I have...

So basically here and there we start arguing about the fact that I feel neglected and she puts the blame on me. That I'm not standing long distance and there's nothing she can do about it. As if there's no effort from her to be made and actually she doesn't even understand what she needs to do to make me feel better!

I never know when will be the next time we'll talk, if I ask she feels pressured. I can't call randomly because she freaks out in front of others... and so on.

Has anyone experienced such hard beginning and then settled? How was it? How can I balance my expectations and anxiety and at the same time make her understand that she needs to be more caring also?

[OperaDiva]

Welcome to the forum I know that an LDR can feel overwhelming at first, but it is not impossible to get through it if you have two partners that are willing to put in the effort. It is normal to experience anxiety and loneliness, but there are also things you can do to improve your situation.

I am getting the sense, from the way you write, that your biggest problem is communication of feelings. I don't know how old your girlfriend is, but if you have only been together for sever months then it is normal to not have the habit of articulating those feelings in a calm way. My advice would be to start by sitting down on Skype and using sentences like "I feel lonely and anxious when we do not have set times for talking", instead of "You make me feel anxious when you do not call me first", because the second one is confrontational and more likely to make her defensive and negative. Talk about your feelings and your needs in this way and try to understand that she is also trying to deal with an enormous amount of pressure and change. Be patient and understanding.

Second, concerning your feelings of jealousy, this is something you have to deal with yourself. If you do not trust her enough, there is nothing she can do to make you not jealous, whether you are long-distance or living together. You have to decide whether or not you are confident enough in yourself, her character and your relationship to trust that it will endure. Good luck!

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Hello! I'm new here too, and this is my first shot at a response, so bear with me please!

I understand a lot of what you're going through. My boyfriend returned to the Netherlands to go to grad school leaving me to completely my school here in the US. On of the biggest adjustments since he's started school is the fact that he has very little time compared to me (and a 7 hour time difference doesn't help things!) Something that really works for us is daily messages. Every night before I go to bed, I send him a facebook message talking about my day and just rambling at times. Anything and everything that I would tell him if he were here, I tell him there, and he does the same. It's fun because you always have a message to wake up to in the morning and it makes you feel like the other person is taking time for you and even if they are crazy busy you know that they are thinking of you.

For us, it wasn't that hard to begin with. We were very secure in our relationship when he went back, so it made the adjustment very easy. However, after being apart for a couple of months my insecurities have begun to show. It is very hard hearing about all of the new things that he is experiencing and not being able to be a part of it. He also has been meeting a lot of new people through school, so I get the whole jealousy thing too. The biggest thing that I can tell you is this: communication. It sounds like you two really need to build that and be able to talk about anything, including jealousies and feeling neglected, so that you can have a healthy relationship. All you have right now is that communication, so I would stress that it is VERY important to work on that ASAP.

Personally, I think one of the best parts of long distance is that you have the support of someone while still being able to strengthen your own life. For her, that means going out and having fun and getting used to the US and making friends and also working really hard. You didn't tell us enough about you to be able to say what yours is, but if you aren't going out and having fun with friends and focusing on working or going to school or whatever it is you do, you will not survive this. You have to have your own life. You have to be comfortable alone and distract yourself from the fact that you are alone. Enjoy it! This may be the only time in your life that you ever can go out with your friends and not feel guilty that your SO is waiting for you at home.

And at the end of the day, above all else, you need to trust her. If you can't do that, then you're going to have a really tough time the next two years. Good luck!

[itsalwaysyou]

I never know when will be the next time we'll talk, if I ask she feels pressured. I can't call randomly because she freaks out in front of others... and so on.

The only thing I'd say is that if she freaks out if you call her in front of her new friends, just make sure she introduces you to her new friends when you come visit her. I'd feel anxious about that, too.

[differentcountries]

While it is about communication of feelings, it is also about logistics. How is it possable, with a whole 5 hour time difference, to NOT have set time or make proper deals about when to Skype? Not knowing the next time would be impossable for me. We usually ask each other, but that is only because we have a set time in the evening after his work and we want to know if the other person is eating /taking a shower. If we are going out etc we always let the other person know. She is not acting responsably, but if you want her to listen to you, you need to back down on the jealousy.