Can't shake this feeling...bf working abroad thousands of miles away.

[J2k_ldr]

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and we're very much in love with each other. Before we got together, we were close friends at work. I had gotten out of a long and dreadful 4 year relationship with the father of my son (who is a toddler), and dated my bf soon after. We're devoted to each other, have never had loyalty or trust issues, and have not had any serious fights.

It has always been my boyfriend's dream to work abroad. Initially, he wanted to work for the embassy as a means to be able to travel the world. I had knowledge of this before we got together, when we were still just friends. Before we became exclusive, I had expressed my feelings of doubt on whether or not pursuing a relationship with him because I knew that in the future, we'd come upon an obstacle of either having to say our goodbyes or not working out because the relationship just failed (which I knew wouldn't be the case because we've already had a great friendship). I explained that I'd rather have him as a friend forever, than to pursue a relationship that could end up without having each other in our lives, and that since I have a son, my options are limited whereas his options are limitless. He said I was very pragmatic, and that he couldn't and didn't just want to be my friend, he wanted more, so I obliged.

Fast forward to a year and a half later, we're now at the beginning of his new venture. I still have a year left of school, and he had just graduated, finished the TESOL program, and is planning to move to Vietnam by September. I've tried to mentally prepare myself by reading many forums and articles on LDRs, spoke with my family and friends, and no matter how much I try to mentally prepare myself, I just can't find solitude. Don't get me wrong, there's one side of me that is very excited and proud of him for pursuing his dreams. I really admire the fact that he has the courage to go to a country where he doesn't know anyone, and doesn't let anything stray him of his passion and dreams. On the other hand, I have this very uneasy and scared feeling I just can't seem to shake off.

We have a plan. He's going to teach abroad for one year and when he comes back, we're going to immediately move into an apartment together, as a family with my son, eventually get married, and expand our family. It helps knowing there's an end-goal for the both of us in this new journey. His main goal is to find himself while he's out there, to be independent, and to have an adventure. I, on the other hand, will focus on school, work, and my son. My worries stem from the fact that since he'll be gone for a whole year, (with little to no possibility of being able to come back to the U.S. since Vietnam doesn't really celebrate holidays other than Chinese New Year, which he offered to come down here but I told him he needed to stay there to get his full experience as I would not want him to miss their biggest and only holiday) and that my son will not transition well into our new living situation or maintain a relationship with my boyfriend once he returns.

We've had our ups and downs when it comes to my son. The father of my son is active in my son's life, and there has been a time where my son had started acting weird to my bf every time he'd get dropped off by his dad. My bf and I were convinced that his father must have been saying things to manipulate my son, and I had a very serious conversation with him, explaining that my bf and I are very serious, we plan to have a future together, and that he needs to be supportive because one day when he finds someone he loves (and hopefully will love our son as her own) he will need my support too. After our talk, we haven't had much of a problem between him and my bf. My bf has made conscious efforts to try and spend more "family" time together and has made it a point to make a lasting impression as an attempt to be able to maintain a relationship for when he leaves with my son. We do plan on taking advantage by communicating over the internet via skype, email, and texts; however, I fear that might not be enough for my son.

Aside from all that, I have faith in our relationship. We know this isn't going to be easy, and in hindsight a year will go by quickly especially if we're both busy. It just gets difficult for me sometimes because my family has expressed concerns about the women in Vietnam, how they're very aggressive to get that citizenship, and how my boyfriend will stick out like a sore thumb being the perfect target for them. My bf's mom has even confirmed this by saying, and I quote, "you're mom is right on track, 'MOST' girls are aggressive and manipulative. They will try to be your friend, purposely get you drunk so they can bed you, try to get pregnant, that way they can get a ticket back to the U.S." I've also read forums from other foreigners where this has been confirmed. Also, I have male friends who went to Vietnam and can attest to this, saying how a lot of the girls out there really don't care if a man has a wife or another girlfriend, and that you can have a different girlfriend every week if you wanted to. I know my boyfriend, and I know that loyalty is a very big virtue for him. I trust him, but I can't but help and feel wary of these things I'm hearing from other people. Which brings me to this forum. Not only am I using this as an outlet, but I hope to hear from other people's experiences.

We know that we have to put a lot of effort to keep the relationship strong, and that loyalty and trust is a major key into making this work. We know that it will be difficult with the time difference, and that we need to set a schedule where we can at least skype once or twice a week, text at least a good morning and good night every day. We're trying to prepare ourselves mentally and trying to set boundaries and realistic expectations. We also know that our expectations will not always be met which can damper our relationship and make it hard. Both of our families are very accepting and welcoming of us. My family loves my bf, and my mom even suggested that I visit him every two months or at least get engaged before he leaves. However, with my schedule with school, work, and my son, it's unrealistic. Another concern, is that I'm 28 years old turning 29 soon. My biological clock is ticking, and I fear of this not working out after putting so much effort in, and trying to be as supportive as I can to support his dreams, with me not necessarily just waiting because I will be having my own adventure and will be making new strides of my own, but I just want this to work out so badly -we both do. I've thought of all aspects of how this could turn out and have made the decision to be supportive and make this work. But I've been realizing that as the time of him leaving is getting near, I've become more emotional (with anything, work, school, my bf, sappy commercials) and am embarrassed to say have been a little irrational. My mind is making me go crazy sometimes: I want a puppy, I want to get engaged NOW, I want to marry him NOW..all of which I know I am in no position to be able to get these things right now (a part of this may stem from the fact that a lot of my friends are either furthering their careers, taking the next steps in their relationships, getting engaged, or getting married). I know I need to wait and I shouldn't be comparing my situation to others, and that if we can get through this year, we'll be able to get through anything. Trust me when I say, I have done my best to mentally prepare myself and have thoroughly thought of all aspects of how this can turn out. My hope is to hear from those who are in similar situations and their stories -good or bad.

P.S. I am planning on taking on new hobbies that I've been wanting to do, I do plan on trying to keep myself busy with my son, school, and work, on top of working on bettering myself as an individual. Therefore, please don't take this as me just waiting for my boyfriend. I just have so many thoughts jumbled in my mind that I just can't seem to sort out.

Thanks for reading, and I know this is a long post, but I hope to hear from some of you.

[C.C.]

I have no experience in anything like that whatsoever. Neither I am at that stage of my life. Nor I know how Vietnamese girls behave.

However, I want to note one thing: You do trust that your SO will not do anything willingly, but do you trust that he will have enough judgment to avoid situations like that? I mean you are worried, he has no experience, etc. But if you have shared your thoughts and what you have heard about Vietnamese women and if he has assured you that that won't really affect him, then trust his judgment and insight of the situation as well. Besides, you worrying won't help anything anyway. What most of LDR couples get used to is that we kind of "have" to trust the other because we aren't there for each other and there's no way to advance in a relationship and keep it healthy if we have irrational worries all the time.

Hopefully this gives you a bit different perspective~

P.S. Oh and don't double thread, please.

[aoitori]

Hey,

My situation is different, since my bf is Asian, but the distance is similar at least.

What I can say is that you can prepare yourselves and plan and life goes it's own way. You can read stories and get scared or reassured, but in the end it's all up to you two and every relationship is unique. So what's important is, that you both are simply sure about each other and from what you've said, you seem to be very sure. Preperation is good, planning is good, but you also needn't overdo it and be flexible in some ways. For example, with the time difference video calls can sometimes not work out or texts don't get an immediate reply. You need enough trust to not get those things get to you and just be cool about it. However, you also need to keep promises. So don't make too many rules, but don't break those rules you have. Relationship things should never be conceived as being a duty. I think that's a good policy for long distance and skyping once or twice a week is very healthy. There needs to be a good balance that's doable for both of you and flexibility is the key.

I can also share the experience of some of my friends. I've studied east asian business management, so I know a couple of people who went long-distance for the span of one year due to exchange to either Japan or China. All I can say, there are both types. I know three guys who cheated on their girlfriends during this period. It's sad to say, that some Asian girls just want a foreign boyfriend for show (or because they think they have money, depending on the country). Don't let this get to you though, because I also know even more people (both men and women) who did this kind of distance for a year and went back to their loved ones without anything happening. So you see, it's up to the couple. I think distance is not the problem. If people are committed, couples will be fine.

I don't know you two, but you both seem very serious about this So don't worry too much.

Good luck!

[TaraMarie]

A year is VERY doable. You will be part for ONE thanksgiving, ONE Christmas, one New Years, ONE birthday ...etc. there are so many of us who have missed each and every one of these things for YEARS. You can do this! And don't worry about those other women. NO woman can make a man stray unless HE WANTS TO! Happy men are committed to their relationship. Regardless of the location. As far as your son...sometimes these things take time. Keep him in the loop. Have a countdown calendar. Get him excited about the "new" life that will happen when you SO gets home. He will adjust. Kids are resilient. Good luck.