How Do I Get Over the Insecurity?

[AnnieBGoode]

3 weeks into the whole long distance thing I have come to realize: I am insane.

I have to be.

Why else would I find myself crying (sobbing, really) by myself while watching Friends because my Significant Other wants to go to bed rather than talk on FaceTime? (Not that I'd ever tell him that.)

Why else would my first thought after he sends me a picture of him with his new co-workers be "Who is the pretty blond homewrecker next to him?"? (She's probably really nice, but I can't help but hate her.) (Also, definitely didn't share those thoughts with him.)

Why else would I analyze the meaning of every whatsapp message he sends, even the "Mh"s and "Ok"s? (Silently.)

Because I am crazy. There is no other explanation.

I just spent a month travelling with this wonderful guy. We had the time of our lives, watched the sunset in the Rocky Mountains, took walks along the beach in California and performed celebratory dances in the Mile High Stadium after the Broncos beat the Rams (he's a big fan of American Football). He's been nothing but a great partner.

So I know he's a good guy. I know he wouldn't hurt me. I know he loves me and wouldn't jeopardize what we have.

What can I do to make my brain believe my heart when it says to trust him?

Thank you guys in advance, I'm really new to this and would love to read about your experiences! How do you get over the insecurity? What can I do to establish the faith this relationship and this man deserve?

Much love,

Annie

[Redheart14]

3 weeks into the whole long distance thing I have come to realize: I am insane.

I have to be.

Why else would I find myself crying (sobbing, really) by myself while watching Friends because my Significant Other wants to go to bed rather than talk on FaceTime? (Not that I'd ever tell him that.)

Why else would my first thought after he sends me a picture of him with his new co-workers be "Who is the pretty blond homewrecker next to him?"? (She's probably really nice, but I can't help but hate her.) (Also, definitely didn't share those thoughts with him.)

Why else would I analyze the meaning of every whatsapp message he sends, even the "Mh"s and "Ok"s? (Silently.)

Because I am crazy. There is no other explanation.

I just spent a month travelling with this wonderful guy. We had the time of our lives, watched the sunset in the Rocky Mountains, took walks along the beach in California and performed celebratory dances in the Mile High Stadium after the Broncos beat the Rams (he's a big fan of American Football). He's been nothing but a great partner.

So I know he's a good guy. I know he wouldn't hurt me. I know he loves me and wouldn't jeopardize what we have.

What can I do to make my brain believe my heart when it says to trust him?

Thank you guys in advance, I'm really new to this and would love to read about your experiences! How do you get over the insecurity? What can I do to establish the faith this relationship and this man deserve?

Much love,

Annie

LDRS are hard, no doubt about it. I think you need to read the part I put in bold font. That is what you need to focus on. It's so much easier to get caught up on things but if you do that it'll eat you up and destroy your relationship before it even begins.

Try to distract yourself from things, we all have opportunities for phone calls missed. But you can either sit there and wallow and risk it coming out in an argument or you can go and do something that you like. See a movie or hang out with friends. Having a life outside of your partner is a good thing and it will give you more to say when you do talk. As for the picture take a different view on it. Instead of thinking she's a home wrecker think of it as him wanting to share part of his life with you. Work is part of his life.

[AnnieBGoode]

Dear Redheart14,

Thank you so much for your response! You're right. Completely right! What's going to happen is going to happen whether I worry about it or not. Might as well have a good time.

Thanks again!

[DeltaHayes]

Girl I feel you! Long distance can bring out insecurities in even the most confident of people! You're not going insane, although I sure know it certainly feels like it most of the time. Overanalysing is what I do best lol! It's easy to do when you're living separate lives and when you see pictures or posts of your significant other doing something without you, it hits hard and jealousy can quickly turn you into someone you know you're not. Here are some of the things that help me the most; staying off of social media for long periods of time. I'm one who can get lost in searching the web, facebook ,etc., which can be extremely dangerous in a long distance relationship because if you dig enough you'll turn nothing into something. Staying off of social media and simply enjoying your hobbies, your family if they're close, friends, pets, anything that brings you joy, will give you things to talk about with your significant other as well as distract you away from overanalysing your relationship. Also, whenever you're feeling insecure, angry or jealous and you feel like lashing out at your boyfriend, journal it all out. Start a journal on your computer or by hand that's dedicated to thoughts you have regarding the relationship, that way you get all of your frustrations out of your head and instead of letting it seep into your relationship, you're keeping it under control on paper where it's not hurting anyone or the relationship. Trust me, guys can sense when you're becoming insecure, even if you aren't telling them what's wrong, they'll sense passive aggression in different phrases, because insecure thoughts will change the entire mood of a conversation even if you think you're keeping it under control. I said this to a friend once, who was questioning how I didn't go crazy worrying about if my boyfriend was cheating on me or not. She was convinced he would and that he would find someone closer because it was more convenient. Without really thinking I said "just because he moved to a new state and city doesn't mean his options for dating suddenly opened up and he's now actively looking for a new gal just because I'm not there, the same way I'm not looking for someone just because he's there. If he wasn't interested in other women while he was here, he won't be just because he's somewhere new, because I'm still his girlfriend and what we've built and survived together is stronger and better. He's 33 and I'm his longest relationship, if it took him this long to find what we have, I doubt he would risk it for someone new when we're happy." Just think of it that way; did your options for men suddenly open up when he left or has your life generally stayed the same apart from him leaving? Are you suddenly more aware of attractive men and interested in pursuing someone else? If you can answer no without doubt, then just trust that he thinks the same way or he wouldn't be going through the hassle and pain of a long distance relationship with you. You're worth it to him, remember that. Long distance is one of the hardest things a couple can go through, but neither of you gave up. If he's still actively with you, talks to you regularly and hasn't shut you out of his life, he's committed to you. It's really hard not to get sucked up in the craziness, trust me, I know, I'm a pro at it, lol, but just remember that you'll both have bad days. Some days he'll need space and won't want to talk, or won't be as sweet and lovey, but that's not a reflection on you. He'd have those days if you were close to each other as well, but you'll notice them more when you're far apart because the physical reassurance isn't there, so it's much too easy to overanalyse.

[AnnieBGoode]

Wow. Thank you so, so much. That was everything I needed to hear (read). Thank you!!!

[BespectacledNerd]

You're definitely not insane!
I agree with Delta's ideas wholeheartedly.

On a more personal note, I can tell you.. I have my own set of insecurities too. I've taken these insecurities from my last relationship and attempted to put them on my current relationship and man, what a mistake. My boyfriend is nothing like my ex. He loves me, he cares for me, he cherishes every moment that we spend together. I have no reason to feel the way that I do, you know? He's never made me question his trust or anything. I totally get it though.. My SO is in another city. Meeting new people. I'm here. And not meeting new people. The other day I broke down and asked him", What happens when you meet more interesting people than me? What happens when you forget about me?"

Not my proudest moment. A moment of doubt that I created all on my own, due to my insecurities.

His response? My loving, thoughtful, amazing SO, through tears told me that I never had to worry. That he could never forget about me. That he would never even want to in the first place. He reminded me of the love he had for me and I just.. My heart swelled. Why did I let my insecurities get to me so?

I've found that in those moments of anxiety or insecurity, distracting myself with friends or hobbies, does really help. When I'm down, I'll catch up on some of my favorite shows on Netflix or read. When I'm uber, uber down, I'll open up to him about it.

It's tough. I totally get it. And if we're honest, I know that there's a bunch of us that sometimes feel the same way you do, so don't ever think you're alone in this. But.. you got this. Don't let the insecurity take hold of your life and keep you from enjoying things.

[rache82]

I had to thank you because I always seem in a very similar situation to you; I think a lot of us girls seem to be in one form or another some of the time, although I think it's made worse because it's long distance and because we know that males and females can think and feel differently to us in a given situation. But as someone said, it's more because we're new into the relationship; I am too, which is what i put my insecurities down too.
Once it gets more established, we'll get more comfortable, like with any relationship I guess.
But yes, my so and myself have had a few arguments lately already because I needed to hear certain things, and he thought I knew. At the end of the day, I know he's a very very patient guy with me so I have to be careful here.
I haven't met my SO in person yet, but when I do next year, I'm thinking things might be a little different with these insecurities.
So helpful to know you're not the only one; that's why I am so pleased I found this site.

[rache82]

Just wanted to thank you for this great advice as well. I'm also the master of analysing, then jumping to conclusions.
I just wanted to add my own situation to what you said about the mood of a conversation. When I'm feeling defensive about a situation, I tend to be very sarcastic, and about everything I say in a conversation is a suttle attack on them. So I know what you mean there too.
Currently, I have apologized to him and we're OK again. Now that I know certain things I didn't know before, I'm not going to get paranoyed any more, and know that we're both making the best out of the long distance situation.

[BespectacledNerd]

I haven't met my SO in person yet, but when I do next year, I'm thinking things might be a little different with these insecurities.
So helpful to know you're not the only one; that's why I am so pleased I found this site.

Yeah! I've found this site pretty dang helpful, too. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one with my bouts of doubt or insecurities. It helps to have a community to speak to about your fears or what have you.

[sunnymess54]

I deal with this similar situation a lot. People always question us and how we stay faithful. Saying stupid comments my favorite being "while the cats away, the mice will play" and as much as It hurts and opens up all kinds of negative thoughts in my mind, I try my hardest not to think about those things. Bottom line is I know that my SO loves me and wants to be with me. We have had many conversations about this topic and it drives me crazy because I HATE feeling so insecure. I hate him seeing me like that and I always feel like if I don't stop with the insecurities and just believe what he says, that he will get tired of it and run away which my therapist said is quite the possibility so I try and give him space, let him live and breath and we talk often, sometimes not as often as I like but everyday though out the days and we have a Skype date every Saturday.

another bottom line is THIS IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP, no one else can see how you guys are, what you guys share etc so how can they tell you anything pertaining to it?

I just asked a similar question on a different board questioning how other people handle the faithful comments and got a great array of comments that opened my eyes to a bigger picture.

[BespectacledNerd]

See, sometimes I have a hard time reading my OWN advice. I was just struck by a bout of insecurity. I hadn't heard from him in a little while now and I know that he was going to a work party. My mind went to the negative..

Little did I know, literally a few hours ago, he had sent me a message and I hadn't even noticed it. And then, no joke, right as I looked at the message, he sent me another message through another app of ours. -_-; Again, insecurity is so silly. We let our minds become their own enemies and most of the time, there's no reason for them to end up in that place.

Meh. I'm gonna go sulk in the corner, chow down on some ice cream and ask myself why I went to that negative place. AGAIN.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

See, sometimes I have a hard time reading my OWN advice. I was just struck by a bout of insecurity. I hadn't heard from him in a little while now and I know that he was going to a work party. My mind went to the negative..

Little did I know, literally a few hours ago, he had sent me a message and I hadn't even noticed it. And then, no joke, right as I looked at the message, he sent me another message through another app of ours. -_-; Again, insecurity is so silly. We let our minds become their own enemies and most of the time, there's no reason for them to end up in that place.

Meh. I'm gonna go sulk in the corner, chow down on some ice cream and ask myself why I went to that negative place. AGAIN.

You are not going insane, sometimes I feel the same way you do. My bf and I met online and from the start he wasn't the best communicator when messaging through the dating site and turns out he is a terrible texter as well. Sometimes I find myself freaking out that he hasn't texted me for a long period of time, that makes me think he isn't interested in me. The thing that keeps me going though is the times where he is willing to sit w/me for 1 to 3 hours vid chatting or spoiling me when I went to visit even though he is tight on money. The texting thing still bothers me, but I know that isn't something that determines quality of the relationship. My ex and I texted like crazy and saw each other every single day, obviously that didn't work out and he didn't really love me the way I loved him. It is very difficult not knowing what is going on in their life, but the only thing we can do is trust our partners. They could also worry that we are cheating as well. Focus on what makes you happy and just go w/the flow.

[terra.hunt.]

You are absolutely not crazy! It is normal when in a LDR you feel insecure because you aren't around your other all the time like you used to be. It's common to be analytical about everything that is said and done. I have an ex who I was with for 4 years and lives in Scotland, we had never met, but he was my very first love. You just have to reassure yourself that although he is not right next to you , he IS thinking of you. You said it yourself, he loves you.

[BespectacledNerd]

You are not going insane, sometimes I feel the same way you do. My bf and I met online and from the start he wasn't the best communicator when messaging through the dating site and turns out he is a terrible texter as well. Sometimes I find myself freaking out that he hasn't texted me for a long period of time, that makes me think he isn't interested in me. The thing that keeps me going though is the times where he is willing to sit w/me for 1 to 3 hours vid chatting or spoiling me when I went to visit even though he is tight on money. The texting thing still bothers me, but I know that isn't something that determines quality of the relationship. My ex and I texted like crazy and saw each other every single day, obviously that didn't work out and he didn't really love me the way I loved him. It is very difficult not knowing what is going on in their life, but the only thing we can do is trust our partners. They could also worry that we are cheating as well. Focus on what makes you happy and just go w/the flow.

Yes! Very, very true. And honestly, all of this insecurity definitely stems from me -- it has little to do with him. It's something that I've got to work on myself, it's only just manifested itself a bit more because he's in my life. I trust the man with anything and anyone.

I do feel a little silly for feeling insecure though.. I feel as if it's a childish emotion, does that make sense? Like it's something our teenage-selves obsessed about. Obviously, it's a normal, human emotion but sometimes, I can't help but feel a little ashamed feeling so insecure about the smallest of things.

But more to the point.. yes. "Focus on what makes you happy and just go w/the flow" -- wonderful advice that I'll strive to work with.